pistachio. Saturday, May 30, 2009 |
periwinkle. Sunday, May 24, 2009 |
i think i could self-destruct anytime now. i am in a very very foul mood and i hate it. even after making a conscious effort to cheer myself up - smile a bit, laugh a few, using a very soothing and calming blue colour with a sissy name for this blog entry - i got into a worse mood because i ended up feeling like a fraud.
i can get very nasty when i'm moody, doesnt matter if it's just slightly or extremely. every word becomes a snarl, a sneer. every sentence becomes a shout fest. i actually think i'm doing very well right now. i still have a partial sense of control because believe me, i am already doing my best not to smash the crap outta this computer, kick the cat shitless or switch on the air-conditioning to further exacerbate global warming. about kicking cats - i personally think i have, although rarely exhibited, a very sadistic streak, particularly towards animals, particularly cats. the thought of throwing cats down from the top of the opposite apartment brings a rather sinister grin to my face. thinking about how terrified they'd be, their alarmed and high-pitched, practically ultrasonic meows that even mariah carey's infamous high notes cannot beat as i throw them overboard; paws flailing about trying to claw at imaginary walls; the lovely sonic boom as they reach supersonic, break-neck (pun intended) speeds; and their once perpetually arrogant expressions now replaced by horror-struck countenance, forever immortalised as i parachute down, whipping out my camera to snap the apparent suicide... then the glee-inducing thud as they hit ground zero.
JUST HOW COOL IS THAT?
*elevator music*
i'm both disturbingly shocked and pleasantly, oh no, chillingly surprised at myself for such horrendous thoughts. creepy much?
sign of the cross and prays
"In the name of Jesus! I reject that thought and imagination. I send you to Jesus right now."
oh lord almighty, cleanse my mind of thoughts so evil. i beseech thee!
soft light filters through the stained glass windows and hymns play in the background as i wait for divine intervention
evil thoughts still pollute me mind. oh well, i tried.
but hey, who cares because i feel better now! bwahahaha
pear. Friday, May 22, 2009 |
apparently, we have a BIG FAT LIAR - not in the literal sense - in the house.
so i bought the biggest bag of m&m's the other day, thinking how i would enjoy them in times when i felt like dying, ie the last few days. well, i decided to pop a few after lunch.
opens fridge
i found that only a fraction of what was originally 636grams of colourful candy-coated pieces of milk chocolate was left for me. sigh.
people have been stealing my chocolate again!
i wasnt angry actually. i was just really frustrated and annoyed. people are not supposed mess with my chocolates! of course, the first suspects were the devil children - ronan, jess and daryl. gawd, how they irritate me. add their unbelievably loud, non-stop blabber mouths to the drilling and hacking and explosions happening behind the house really makes me wish i were deaf.
anyway, i asked them whether they were the ones who ate my m&m's. quite immediately, they told me no. hmmm, didnt i just sense guilt in their voices? and werent their replies just a tad too fast? but i believed them. i asked ken, and he said he didnt. suddenly, i realised it might be my grandpa because he has stolen not only mine, but other people's chocolates before. still... innocent til proven guilty.
it was during dinner time when i asked ronan again. he said no in such a pained way, making me feel like i was the one in the wrong for being so overly suspicious of him. i felt bad... and it was his birthday after all. i complained to mum when she came down to the kitchen and immediately, she gave ronan that piercing stare. that's when he came clean. not only did he steal some for himself, he also shared the stolen goods with his accomplices. boy, are jess and daryl gonna kena come monday. LIARS, ALL OF THEM! but ronan, so young and already such an expert liar. even he had me fooled! gawd, our own future conman. somehow, i dont think i'll be able to trust small children anymore. deceived by my own little brother. tsk. things will never be the same ever again!
i like overreacting. lol
wow, what a boring entry. i guess excitement only comes in the form of stress and unfinished homework for me, well, for the last few days anyway. harharhar.
snort
cream. Thursday, May 21, 2009 |
i just dont have the brains!
chemistry + mathematics + lack of understanding = torture to the power of 1000000.
add another variable to the equation, in this case, A SERIOUSLY FUCKED-UP INTERNET CONNECTION, and you've hit the jackpot.
i feel like curling up in bed and hiding. it's literally torture because not understanding something you're required to understand... its not supposed to be like that. what's worse is the fact that i am sitting all alone, all by myself, in the front row, with virtually zero friends in class! i feel like i could die just sitting there, not knowing how to solve certain maths/chem questions especially when i have nobody to turn to! i dunno about you, but this is not how i planned everything to be! and there's the connection going on and off and on and then off again. it is just driving me up the wall. I CANNOT HANDLE ALL THIS RIGHT NOW! MY GOD!
exhales
exactly what have i gotten myself into? and then there's the rumours of how we have to stay back at school until at least 4pm, starting right after the holidays? mother-eff!!! ridiculous. absurd. INSANE! my burning hatred for school has finally been rekindled, i just need somewhere or someone to express it to. ever heard of those places where you pay to enter and smash dishes? yea... why dont they have them here? WHY? i'd be a regular customer. it'd make good business. WHY???
i find that i have frequent but minor panic attacks. sometimes, my heart just starts to beat so fast, so rapidly. i start to sweat. breathing becomes a bit more difficult. all for no apparent or rather silly reasons. why me? egad, how am i suppose to cope? i feel so hopeless. it's only the 2nd week of school and the pressure's already killing me. does everyone feel that way, or am i just putting too much on my shoulders? i am very well aware of how bad my maths and chemistry can be, so isnt it natural to worry? isnt it?
so many questions... gawd. SOMEONE ANSWER ME!
i cant take anymore. I CANT.
magenta. Tuesday, May 19, 2009 |
i just dont have the patience.
when the phone rings for kazillionth time and nobody picks it up;when i'm called to the kitchen having just climbed flights and flights of stairs to the top of the house;when someone asks a question that i find so stupid and so redundant i cant help exploding with vile, seething sarcasm;when i have to wait for the stupid web browser to load;when i have to rack my pea-sized brain just to compute some simple goddamned math equation;and especially when my brother tells me not to use his god's name in vain.OH MY GOD,
i think i am going nuts.ahoy captain - foul mood ahead! oh wait, we've already hit it... four hours ago!my body's teeming with toxic chi. i can feel it. this build-up of negative energy is not good. my life span's probably been shortened by at least 20 years already. why do i feel like i havent a purpose in life? never had, never have and never will?movie soundtracks - namely the lord of the rings - is the only thing soothing my nerves right now. and now all that effort to calm down has gone to waste because of some sickly sweet, overpowering odour that's just wafted into the vicinity. DEAR GOD, WHY CANT EVERYTHING JUST LEAVE ME ALONE???eternal sunshine of the spotless mind sounds good right now.it sounds great.
yale blue. Sunday, May 17, 2009 |
OH MY GAAAAAAWD!
STAR TREK!!! IS. SO. COOOOOOOOOOOL.
GEE!
EGAD!
OMFG!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
agh! the science fiction geek within me is just screaming in delight.
ahem.
seriously speaking, the concept is just so absolutely positively nifty! i love science fiction, love LOVE LOVE science fiction and anything within the likes of star wars, star trek and various other movies/novels/whatever set in a technologically advanced/apocalyptic/super-duper futuristic future just gets me high. SO HIGH I'M PRACTICALLY FLOATING.
but after the high, soon comes the low. i get frustrated after watching movies like star trek because sometimes - actually, all the time - i wish i were living in such worlds. being a cadet in starfleet in the star trek universe; training with a silver lightsabre to become a jedi master in the star wars universe; or even running from zombies in the 28 weeks... universe. sounds geeky i know but... sigh.
honestly, i'm just sad life on plain old present earth pales in comparison to what the future could potentially offer. i mean, come one! faster-than-light travel has not been discovered yet, heck, we cant even send a space shuttle into space on a whim. and what happened to artificial intelligence? damn. i wish i lived in the future where we can colonise planets in other systems, fight alien enemies and go exploring space. like buzz lightyear always says: to infinity and beyond!
of course, all that is impossible. i cant live in the future. nope, not in this lifetime. so right now, i'm banking on the possibility of reincarnation as a human being (a tall, good-looking male with greyish-green eyes LOL; not as an ant, dog, cat, cockroach or alien) in the far-flung future, the successful implementation of cryonics before i die or time travel... though i would not rule out the sudden gift of immortality.
it's as simple as that. so simple.
chris pine has got me pine-ing (pun so totally intended) for blue eyes. i am so unbelievably envious...
SERIOUSLY?!
jade. Monday, May 11, 2009 |
phweet... phweeat... feeegt...
that was what i heard when i got out the car and started walking towards the school hall. my shoes were sighing every step i took. i guess they didnt want to step foot on school ground as much as i did but to think i just bought those pair of shoes yesterday, shakes head. anyway, being back in school just brought back some horrible memories. it's not to say i didnt have any great memories, but i'm quite negative about how school will be like for me this year.
i was already late. nervous, i went into the hall, had my name ticked on the register and took a seat. boredom quickly settled my nerves. all they did was talk about what to expect, how the CGPA was calculated, how important co-curriculum is yadda yadda yadda... i thought everything would be ok once the day ended and went home but who knew school had just started... FO' REAL! i have to get to school at 7.30am for the rest of the week, month and year! i thought it was only starting in june! dear lord, i havent resigned from coffee bean yet, and i'm not mentally prepared yet! and and and... my shoes squeak! my shirts and pants are different shades of white! AGH!
i rushed home after they wrapped everything up at 1pm. the fact that co-curriculum is 10% of my CGPA really bothers me because i suck when it comes to extracurricular activities. for me, form 6 is really an ultimatum for me. i must do well under whatever circumstance.. even if it means MURDER bodek-ing. okay wait, i take that back because i dont think bodek-ing works in form 6 anymore. i can never get the nerve to bodek teachers anyway. i just find it so... not genuine.
anyway, i watched Séraphine with my mum in the evening. it's a french movie and is about the life of the artist Séraphine Louis. Séraphine... ahh, what a lovely name. it wasnt bad at all. it had this nice, quaint, eccentric feeling to it and i like it tremendously. having said that, i dont think many people would feel the same because such movies fail to receive the appreciation of the masses. i would not recommend it, not because it wasnt nice, but because you wont be nice to it.
oh well, i'm off to bed. :(
i seriously cannot comprehend what went wrong today.
ALLISON?
ELIMINATED FROM AMERICAN IDOL?
oh my god.
someone should be shot for such monstrosity.
why america? WHY?!?!?!
danny should have went home in my honest, totally unbiased opinion. i thought that deafening note at the end of his rock-song-gone-bad guaranteed that.
and now for my biased opinion: danny gokey is boring, so so SO boring. yes, he can sing but that's probably all. i barely see any personality. gawd, everytime i see his performance i feel like sticking a fork in my eye. and the thing is, when he does try to do something 'special', it turns out all wrong. just like that horror scream i mentioned. BUMMER.
i dont feel like watching american idol anymore.
sharing is never a high on my agenda when it comes to certain things, specifically BEDROOMS.
as you cannot see, i am up fairly early today. YES, 12pm is early for me since i almost always wake up at 4. i'm practically nocturnal nowadays.
anyway, i didnt sleep that well today. it's hard when you have brothers who are not nocturnal, going about their business in the same bedroom. most of the days, deep sleep usually saves me from having to shout at them to shut up. today wasnt one of those days, i didnt shout though.
light sleep is a bitch.
loud talking, slaming drawers... GAWD. elephants stampeding past me would have been more bearable. the worst annoyance has to be those pesky drawers. they're located just under my bed and they have these little squeaky wheels, but the cherry on top is when my stupid brothers fucking slam them shut. FOR YOUR GOD'S SAKE. IS IT THAT HARD TO PUSH THEM IN SLOWLY AND SOFTLY? then there's the talking. oh my god...
all i'm asking for is respect and consideration. sometimes, i may look like i'm asleep when i'm actually just half-asleep. so, come on! dont go all out banging and slamming, inconsiderate bastards! and i'm not being a hypocrite because i dont do that when you sleep.
i cannot wait to get my own bedroom. i've always longed for one. unfortunately, i dont see that happening anytime soon because right after this infernal disaster are roommates in university. then after that, maybe finally a break when i live alone. yay
hush hush; hush hush.
