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Bits and Pieces

Hello. Welllll, there isn't much to know about me. In other words, don't ask. Hey, but if you really want to know, one word: psychopath.. Anyways... I'm just another one of those bloggers out there, blogging about how crappy life is, etc. Pathetic, is it not? Life.

down in the dumps. Monday, June 14, 2010 |

Somehow I'm finding hard to start blogging again, but I need an outlet, somewhere familiar to express what I'm feeling. It's a range of negative emotions, so what better place, right? I can't go around sobbing my eyes out (I weep myself to sleep, but somehow that isn't enough, is it?). I can't exactly vent my anger and frustration on my cousins, who are still as annoying as ever. I can't do anything I wish I could, actually. It's pathetic, how sorry I feel for myself.

Damn.

I feel like I haven't a purpose and I am so demotivated by that. I want to die; I want to disappear. I just want to get away from all this.

In a way, I want to get my act together. Start studying, start getting good grades, start looking forward to university. It's just so hard taking that first step, and after that, sustaining the effort. I never could understand how easily some people can set their mind on something and work their way towards their goals. I think I used to be able to do that; I've forgotten how to though. So much has changed since Form 5. My priorities are no longer what they should be. Right now, studying is of no interest to me, at least what I'm studying isn't.

Fuck it, fuck Form 6! But I can't. I need to do this.

Then do it.

It's gone. Monday, February 08, 2010 |

I'm afraid I won't be blogging as often as I would like to anymore. In fact, I don't even know if I'll return.

The lack of time and energy has taken a toll on my enthusiasm here. School's a monster, slowly eating away at my body and mind. It will just not go away. I don't like what's happening, but there's not a single thing I can do about it. Besides, the excitement I used to have is gone. It no longer exists. I don't have the urge to share my life's ups and down, adventures and mishaps anymore.

Never have I devoted so much emotion and energy into a blog/journal/diary before. The blog before this was immature and silly, a product of a 14-year-old's (or was I 15?) imagination and love for cookies, now somewhere lost in the infinite universe of cyberspace. But the memories are to die for. The same applies to those created as a result of this blog. I will miss this.

I will be back. When? I have no idea, but when I do, I'm sure it'll be with a new found sense of direction. Til then...



Can this get anymore dramatic? *eyes roll

I mean business. Saturday, January 30, 2010 |

I've never been so busy.

Gone are the afternoon naps that last for hours, the hours spent in front of the computer surfing the net, the time spent reading before bedtime... It's weird. I'm not used to being on the move or having something to finish everyday. I miss my personal time, 'me' time.

There'll be meetings after school on Mondays and Tuesdays. Fridays are for librarian duties and organic chemistry tuition afterwards. Extra math class on Mondays and physical chemistry tuition on Saturdays. Not to mention the tonnes of homework, assignments and projects to finish. I might not seem that busy, but in reality, I'm just not used to all this. This is what 'busy' is to me.

It's especially hard to study when I fall asleep after reading a page or two, and that worries me. I can't study like this.

Oh god, I can barely keep my eyes open now...

Sunset; Dust, anybody? Saturday, January 02, 2010 |

My last-minute attempt at finishing my school holiday assignments have not been successful. In fact, I did not even manage to start, partially because the papers I require for my written assignment are lost, somewhere in the hell hole I call my bedroom. (As for my herbarium and insectarium projects, let's just say I'm depending on my team members to not depend on me - if you know what I mean.) In trying to locate said papers, I went on a room-cleaning rampage armed with my handheld Dustbuster. Stacks of past-year exercise books, a pair of cheap binoculars (I hope), a basket full of dried-up pens and dusty stationery, endless numbers of paper files and even a box full of computer CDs were chucked into a huge purple plastic bag. Of course, the recyclable paper products were dumped into another humongous white plastic bag. It's unfortunate that I do not possess any before/after photos, because the bedroom - which I share with 3 siblings - looks simply marvelous.

Alas, marvelous things are not meant to last. I expect the mess to return in one month, tops.

Lava; My goals for 2010. Friday, January 01, 2010 |

1.
Study like my future depended on it, because it does.

I feel like I've given up on myself. It's either the extreme laziness that encumbers me, or the fact that my mind is no longer set on studying (maths is a bitch). It's a vicious cycle. I'm well-aware of what my problem is, it's just I don't do a damn thing about it. I cannot understand why I fail to see the importance of studying when I even advocate it myself. Education is the only way towards a career, towards a house to live in, towards providing for one's family, towards achieving one's dreams, towards a FUTURE. So why is nothing happening here? Why? Maybe I'm taking all this for granted. I've never really had any major problems with my grades. I may fail a few subjects in my school exams, but I always seem to pull through the year quite well. My PMR and SPM results aren't that bad either. Everything changed this year. I failed every subject except MUET in my finals, which is a serious load of crap. What's going to happen if I do not do the best that I can? Because honestly, I do not want to go to a local university. I want the best I can get. I know I have the chops to make it, I just haven't proven it yet.

Talk is also very cheap, so I'm going to stop here. I do not want to get too worked up over something that could still potentially implode.

2.
Cut down on my meat consumption.

My aunt told me that not eating meat will make me stupid but I'm taking everything with a pinch of salt because, boy, if that's true, I can kiss goal #1 and thus, my future goodbye. Besides, I didn't say I was going to exclude meat from my diet completely. I'm taking things slowly... in preparation for a vegetarian diet in the future. So far, people have been skeptical about this. Heck, some even laughed. "Only real men eat red meat", "Where are you going to get your protein from?", that sort of stuff. I don't understand why some people fail to grasp the concept of a diet without meat. Telling them of my intentions is like telling them, "Hey, I'm going to castrate myself", or "I'm a spiritual, new-age person who does yoga naked every morning". Sorry for the stereotyping, but it's true. Anyway, the main reason I'm doing this is the impact meat production has on the climate. It's shocking itself, knowing how much the emissions of cows and sheep contribute to global warming. I'm also partially influenced by my mum, who doesn't take meat at all. I could go into the issue of animal rights but some people just do not care. They fail to see that animals, not only their pet dogs and cats, have feelings and emotions. Just hearing that statement would give them reason enough to scoff.

I have to admit though, meat tastes so good after having gone days without.

3.
Maintain a weekly exercise routine.

I do not like it how my enthusiasm fizzles out halfway through everything I do. The exception being my studies, something I was never enthusiastic about. I have not engaged in any physical activity since school ended, not counting bicycling in Bangkok, which resulted in me falling, sprawling onto the road and into a world of hurt.

So, anything besides bicycling - jogging, weight training, swimming, badminton, tennis, yoga - I'm game. I know I've got Joel for jogging/running, so anyone else? Oh wait, I don't think so. I've only got Joel because EVERYONE ELSE IS NOT IN PENANG ANYMORE.

4.
Worry less.

My worrying can take an irrational turn sometimes. Examples:
  • Worrying that I won't find a parking space wherever I go.
  • Worrying I might get infection with the injuries I sustained falling off the bicycle in Bangkok.
  • Worrying about how repeatedly holding my pee in may result in decreased elasticity of my bladder, which, in turn, may result in incontinence. Youch.
A useful piece of advice: Don't sweat the small stuff.



Other than that, happy new year, everybody! May 2010 be the beginning of wonderful decade. Cheers.

harlequin. Sunday, December 06, 2009 |

it's normal to prepare a list of names for future offspring, right? RIGHT???

'cause i already have countless a few names in mind. now i'm having second thoughts about sharing them here because, well, they're MY CHILDREN'S! besides, y'all might think i'm crazier than initially thought, what with the list of names and everything...

now, the names i chose are decidedly less common than, say, Daniel, Alex, Kylie or Catherine. i want a name that stands out, but not bordering on looney (hopefully, hahahahaha). many of them are inspired by film, TV and literature; names i find giddily delightful. my choices are also based on the person's qualities, qualities i wish my children to have.

the list:
  1. Kafka - literal meaning, jackdaw; inspired by the novel by Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore (海辺のカフカ, Umibe no Kafuka). the novel is a wonderful, fascinating one. anyway, Kafka Tamura is the main character. he, on the other hand, was named after the famous czech author, Franz Kafka. i just found myself attracted to the character's qualities as the story progressed. besides having profound insight, he reads a lot. lovely!
  2. Vesper - literal meaning in classic latin, evening; if you dont know, it's the name of one of them bond girls, Vesper Lynd. Eva Green's portrayal of her in Casino Royale was captivating, one of the reasons why i like the film. her initial skepticism and criticism of the ego which is Bond in the movie was biting. sarcasm (not just any kind of sarcasm though; her kind of sarcasm: scathing and cutting) is a quality i think every girl should have. used in appropriate situations though - we wouldnt want her being a meanie who bullies boys, do we? some people say Vesper is a male name, something which i will keep in mind. who knows? a boy named Vesper? oooh, i'd just love the looks people have when they hear that. MUAHAHA
  3. Cillian (KIL-yan) - literal meaning, war/strife; one of my children would be named after the actor Cillian Murphy. one of my favourite actors, having starred in 28 Days Later as and Red Eye, both equally wonderful films. he plays hero and villain in those two films respectively. there's the survivor who rises to the occasion, and then there is the bad, mean terrorist. i know they are fictional characters, but they're not the ones with nice names, so i'm gonna take the next best thing! the name of the person who portrays them.
  4. Liesel (LEE-zel) - a german diminutive of elizabeth; taken from the novel, The Book Thief. it is set in germany, before and during WW2 with Liesel Meminger as the main character. there's just this certain strength you expect young children to have, especially those who live in times of war. i want my child to have that kind of strength.
other names i love:

for the boys
  • Cooper
  • Jasper
  • Caspian
  • Tristan
  • Finley
for the girls
  • Allison
  • Evangeline
  • Elsie
  • Iris
some names may not "ring" well with my surname, but i'll worry only when the time comes. i also used to say i would never want to have children because of Ronan, Jess and Daryl who make my life hell. we'll see if they still manage to irritate and frustrate me to the brink of no return. also, there's the issue of mutually agreeing on which name to give. by then, i wont be the only one deciding.

BAH, for that, i'll adopt.
no, really.




is there somebody who still believes in love?
i know you're out there.

mulberry. Tuesday, December 01, 2009 |

can you imagine how bored i am right now? twitch

i dont understand how i could look forward to the long holidays like this every year. two weeks ago, i was going crazy, wondering why the holidays couldnt arrive earlier. i was sick and tired of school. now it's the other way around. i HATE the holidays, because i dont have anything to do! stuck at home, in front of the computer? irregular sleep patterns, rollercoaster mood swings? yeaaaa, the perfect way to spend the holidays.

i hate wasting time like this.

but then, it's not like i'm in the mood to do anything else. i dont feel like reading a novel, i dont feel like baking, i dont feel like jogging; i just dont feel like it! i do wish that i had an xbox 360 though. i want to play GTA4, to release my pent-up anger and frustration by running people over or catapulting myself off a skyscraper in a boat. perfection... hee

ARGHHHH KILL ME

light blue. Thursday, November 26, 2009 |

i honestly didnt think i had too bad a night, but i guess i was wrong.

i have just come back from the SAM prom night and i feel like shit. if i have to admit one thing, it's this: i was on the verge of tears as i drove back home alone.

as usual, i was the one who kept quiet and to myself in a corner as everyone else socialised, i was THE ONLY ONE with a perpetual frown on my face and i was the one who sat by the table as everyone went up and danced around. i dont want to make up any fucking excuses, but i just could not help it. i barely know anyone else there. so, why go? that's exactly the question i want to ask myself. i guess it was because yi ern invited me, saying she needed someone to accompany her. so i told myself, sure, i can do that. but then, who knew so much more was expected of me.

now, i'm not complaining or blaming anyone. i just need to VENT, or the oven will explode having to churn out cakes i'm going to bake every hour.

it didnt really hit me until we got to the lobby, but i was surrounded by strangers. the only person i honestly knew was yi ern. e-maine, who i had to pick up along with yi ern, was also a new acquaintance. other people i recognised were either too busy with their respective tasks or just people i was never really close to. so, besides both of them, i really had nobody to talk to.

it got really uncomfortable as more and more people arrived. yi ern and e-maine went off to talk to their friends, and i was left there alone with nothing to do. what i hate the most is when i am left standing there, looking lost, with nothing to do and having to pretend that i'm not all that by fiddling with my handphone or whatever i had in my hands. it's just a chore, you know? a fucking chore not to look vulnerable and lonely in a place where you know nobody and nobody knows you or the people who actually know you do not bother. i did initiate small talk with a friend or two, but that was all, lasting less than a minute each. after that, i was left with my bestest best friend again, my handphone.

when we were allowed into the function room, yi ern actually walked in without me. i guess i was just there to be the chauffeur and the pseudo-boyfriend who carries everything the girl is carrying; just imagine a guy carrying a silver clutch, a camera case, two wilted roses and BLA BLA BLA. i felt so goddamned stupid and pathetic. oh but no, the worse had yet to come.

when the buffet line was open, i didnt go straight for it. instead, i went to the washroom to get my retainer out. the line was long when i came back out, so i decided to go in and have a seat to wait for the crowd to dissipate. yi ern and her friends came in, and she asked me why i havent got anything to eat yet. i told her why but after 5 minutes, yi ern asked me to go get something to eat. i said the line was still long. she insisted and, when i did not budge, went blabbing to her friends about how i would go back home and complain to my mum about how i didnt get to eat anything and be a baby about it or some other bullshit. safe to say, i wasnt too pleased hearing her say that. i felt humiliated.

and guess what? i won a prize in the lucky draw. i didnt want to go up and told yi ern to get the prize in my place, but nope. so i went up and got it. the only thing? there was zero applause. the silence was deafening. you could hear a pin drop, even the faintest of farts. i was the outsider; everyone was puzzled. just who was this person? i sat back down with my face red from the embarrassment.

soon came the time for dancing. WOOOOO!!! NOT.
everyone got up to dance and mingle and camwhore etc. me, i just sat by the table, observing their antics. a few of yi ern's friends asked her to get me to dance too, but of course, i didnt want to. i looked silly just sitting there, but at least i had someone to accompany me through sms. sigh.

we left before the night officially ended. after dropping e-maine off, yi ern told me what people thought of me, what my impression was on them.

first, i was not what they expected. she said, they were like, i cant wait to meet gerald! they didnt expect me to be so anti-social. they were confused as to why i did not join in the festivities. they were disappointed.

second, i was once again seen as the arrogant, pigheaded, stubborn person.

third, she regretted inviting me. her mum even asked her if inviting me was a good idea since they know i do not exactly like parties or big events like these.


it's disheartening hearing all that, but what hurt the most was the third comment. i agreed that maybe it wasnt such a good idea having me there, but did i want to hear it for real? no.

i dont know what else to say. i'm just so sick and tired of all this twisted, untrue and unproven perceptions people have of me. i'm done with all that, and as much as i would like to amend all i've done or not done, as much as i would like them to know the real me, i dont think i could be bothered.

i'm too bruised and battered to care anymore.





just pull the trigger.

golden yellow. Sunday, November 22, 2009 |

sometimes, when i get this small feeling of happiness and think of all the things that i did, could do and will do, this tiny speck of happiness just bursts into full-blown glee. i may not display this for everyone to see (like i ever, HAHA), but i swear, it's just bursting at the seams.

today was a great day, and i'm feeling inexplicably happy. just being happy itself already makes me happier - if that makes sense.

on this day, i woke up before twelve. by doing that, i've felt like i've not wasted a whole morning away in bed, and as insane and bizarre as this may sound, i'm convinced that i've opened a whole new world of possibilities, and it feels wonderful! it doesnt feel forced, not like dragging myself outta bed for school at dawn. this phenomenon may be partly because of the day's tuition i was going to attend, but i refuse to use that as a reason. imagine all i could do if i continued waking up before noon! bake a cake? sure! have breakfast whilst enjoying the cool morning breeze? absolutely! go for a jog with a friend or two? WHY NOT?! this is all so exciting, i'm on the verge of exploding into a song for pete's sake!

chemistry tuition was great. i did get lost finding the location though, and almost crashed into a motorcyclist on the way, but i arrived in one piece. after the initial apprehension and confusion, i quickly adjusted and started enjoying the lesson. you know why? BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS BEING TAUGHT. wow, just wow. is that not magnificent? the chapter was actually already covered in school earlier, but it felt like i've gained a new sense of clarity and insight.

after that, i went jogging - no wait, i went walking with joel at the botanical gardens. we walked and talked and laughed and told stories and shared experiences... which was fun, and a bit alarming and disturbing (OH you know what i'm referring to, joel).

dinner was delicious, and dessert was delightful! ais kacang always ALWAYS takes me to a happy, crazy place everytime. oh dont be scared; when i mean a happy, crazy place, what i really mean is the happy, crazy place in my mind. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

just now, i was watching the scream queen marathon on mtv. it's this show where 10 aspiring actresses compete for a role in the movie SAW VI. (VI is the roman numeral for 6, stupids) anyway, I LOVE THIS SHOW! it's hilarious and so entertaining! in their acting challenges, oh gawd, when some of them make fools of themselves, i just cant help but roll around on the couch in laughter. they sometimes come up with extremely creative, but at the same time, absurd ideas to up the ante. sometimes, it works. other times, it just cracks me up. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT THREE EPISODES, which sadly, is also the last three episodes of the marathon. watch it! next saturday, 11pm to 2am! (note: unfortunately, it's not so funny when all the bad, psycho actresses are eliminated and all we are left with are the ones who can really act. it is really interesting though to see how brilliantly these last few ones can execute)

wooooooooooo... i cant wait for tomorrow! watching the queen of food porn, nigella lawson, at 11am! how i just adore her and jamie oliver.

g'night!

carmine pink. Friday, November 20, 2009 |

i think i'm finally taking some steps to improve my grades and to be ready for my upper six next year. that's just how i envision things to be, and i hope they turn out how i want them to be. fingers crossed

first, i'll be taking chemistry tuition. two times a week, four (friggin') hours every time. this is for the holidays only though. i dunno how it'll change when school reopens. i have to admit that i'm a bit, well, uneasy/anxious/fearful/HORRIFIED about this. most probably because i havent had tuition for anything in a long time, and also because i have never attended any tuition lasting more than two hours before. poor ignorant me. the best thing is, it's located in a land far, far away. it's located just a bit further from the air itam market - and yes, that place is far to me.

now, for my most favourite subject everrrrr... MATH.
my friend offered to tutor me. yep, someone actually volunteered. library, here we come! bleh~

a rocky path lies ahead for me, and i'm worried i wont be able to conquer all that i need to conquer. good grades are ABSOfuckingLUTELY vital for me to be able to secure myself a scholarship. this is the real deal; winning this battle would already win me half the war. one more year, just one more year dammit...

but just for now, tgif!




crash,
crash,
out of control
lose yourself
go and even the score

J. R. R. Tolkien; fantasy quoted.


"Lúthien Tinúviel
more fair than mortal tongue can tell.
Though all to ruin fell the world
and were dissolved and backward hurled
unmade into the old abyss,
yet were its making good, for this—
the dusk, the dawn, the earth, the sea—
that Lúthien for a time should be.
"