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Bits and Pieces

Hello. Welllll, there isn't much to know about me. In other words, don't ask. Hey, but if you really want to know, one word: psychopath.. Anyways... I'm just another one of those bloggers out there, blogging about how crappy life is, etc. Pathetic, is it not? Life.

Not too long ago...

Psychobabble. Just to pique your interest.

Past Tense

golden yellow. Sunday, November 22, 2009 |

sometimes, when i get this small feeling of happiness and think of all the things that i did, could do and will do, this tiny speck of happiness just bursts into full-blown glee. i may not display this for everyone to see (like i ever, HAHA), but i swear, it's just bursting at the seams.

today was a great day, and i'm feeling inexplicably happy. just being happy itself already makes me happier - if that makes sense.

on this day, i woke up before twelve. by doing that, i've felt like i've not wasted a whole morning away in bed, and as insane and bizarre as this may sound, i'm convinced that i've opened a whole new world of possibilities, and it feels wonderful! it doesnt feel forced, not like dragging myself outta bed for school at dawn. this phenomenon may be partly because of the day's tuition i was going to attend, but i refuse to use that as a reason. imagine all i could do if i continued waking up before noon! bake a cake? sure! have breakfast whilst enjoying the cool morning breeze? absolutely! go for a jog with a friend or two? WHY NOT?! this is all so exciting, i'm on the verge of exploding into a song for pete's sake!

chemistry tuition was great. i did get lost finding the location though, and almost crashed into a motorcyclist on the way, but i arrived in one piece. after the initial apprehension and confusion, i quickly adjusted and started enjoying the lesson. you know why? BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS BEING TAUGHT. wow, just wow. is that not magnificent? the chapter was actually already covered in school earlier, but it felt like i've gained a new sense of clarity and insight.

after that, i went jogging - no wait, i went walking with joel at the botanical gardens. we walked and talked and laughed and told stories and shared experiences... which was fun, and a bit alarming and disturbing (OH you know what i'm referring to, joel).

dinner was delicious, and dessert was delightful! ais kacang always ALWAYS takes me to a happy, crazy place everytime. oh dont be scared; when i mean a happy, crazy place, what i really mean is the happy, crazy place in my mind. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

just now, i was watching the scream queen marathon on mtv. it's this show where 10 aspiring actresses compete for a role in the movie SAW VI. (VI is the roman numeral for 6, stupids) anyway, I LOVE THIS SHOW! it's hilarious and so entertaining! in their acting challenges, oh gawd, when some of them make fools of themselves, i just cant help but roll around on the couch in laughter. they sometimes come up with extremely creative, but at the same time, absurd ideas to up the ante. sometimes, it works. other times, it just cracks me up. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT THREE EPISODES, which sadly, is also the last three episodes of the marathon. watch it! next saturday, 11pm to 2am! (note: unfortunately, it's not so funny when all the bad, psycho actresses are eliminated and all we are left with are the ones who can really act. it is really interesting though to see how brilliantly these last few ones can execute)

wooooooooooo... i cant wait for tomorrow! watching the queen of food porn, nigella lawson, at 11am! how i just adore her and jamie oliver.

g'night!

carmine pink. Friday, November 20, 2009 |

i think i'm finally taking some steps to improve my grades and to be ready for my upper six next year. that's just how i envision things to be, and i hope they turn out how i want them to be. fingers crossed

first, i'll be taking chemistry tuition. two times a week, four (friggin') hours every time. this is for the holidays only though. i dunno how it'll change when school reopens. i have to admit that i'm a bit, well, uneasy/anxious/fearful/HORRIFIED about this. most probably because i havent had tuition for anything in a long time, and also because i have never attended any tuition lasting more than two hours before. poor ignorant me. the best thing is, it's located in a land far, far away. it's located just a bit further from the air itam market - and yes, that place is far to me.

now, for my most favourite subject everrrrr... MATH.
my friend offered to tutor me. yep, someone actually volunteered. library, here we come! bleh~

a rocky path lies ahead for me, and i'm worried i wont be able to conquer all that i need to conquer. good grades are ABSOfuckingLUTELY vital for me to be able to secure myself a scholarship. this is the real deal; winning this battle would already win me half the war. one more year, just one more year dammit...

but just for now, tgif!




crash,
crash,
out of control
lose yourself
go and even the score

magnolia. Friday, November 13, 2009 |

i feel so guilty... of what?
you'll never know.

before you think the obvious: nope, i did NOT kill the rottweilers at the back. they have not ceased their barking and howling though, so i haven't ruled out exterminating them just yet.

anyway, i am disgusted at myself! i tell myself that it is so wrong to continue thinking about what i could have done. instead, the more i berate myself, the more i regret not snatching the opportunity; no matter how immoral and disgraceful that missed opportunity was.

i'm sorry i cannot be specific, just know this:

i am filled with anguish and bitterness
for all the fucking WRONG reasons.

once again, i did not and was not going to murder anyone. nor did i run over that neighbour's cat.
i am not a murderer nor am i a cat squasher.

now that that's all out and done with, i am currently in the midst of my year-end exams.
today was only the first day, and it SUCKED. i could not finish the test, losing out on a possible 15 marks. not that i care, especially since the other parts of the test i managed to finish were already so FUCKED UP. so yes, i'm getting a zero. yay

next up, math! double yay
i'm getting a negative mark for this test here, if that's possible.




do you want the truth or something beautiful?

june bud. Sunday, October 25, 2009 |

you and me could write a bad romance.

AHHHHHHHH~
my finals are just two weeks away, but what have i been doing this past week? nothing that pertains to studying. believe me, i have tried, though all i managed to achieve was perfect the art of falling asleep with a really heavy reference book on top of my chest - without dying. OHHH WHY DIDNT IT JUST CRUSH ME???

i am getting really really REALLY worried.

could i get something to deal with all this please?
ALCOHOL! i need alcohol!

viridian. Friday, October 16, 2009 |

it's so hard to save the world.

the dog has officially gone apeshit. these days, it tries to claw itself into the house, destroying the newly-set up mosquito netting in the process, to go hide in the bathroom. this normally happens at night. it'll find any way into the house. when it came scurrying into the house through the other entrance downstairs just now, i roared at it to get out. that's when one of its nails gouged a piece of skin off my big toe when i tried blocking its way up the stairs.

now i'm getting a little bit paranoid. who knows what kind of bacteria lurk under the dog's nails? what if my toe becomes infected? am i going to turn into a ZOMBIE?!

i so hate the dog.

i dont think i'll get a dog anymore. a cat maybe, but not a dog. i just dont think i could love one, partly since dogs do not know how to clean up after themselves. i'm the very hangat-hangat tahi ayam type of person too. i love the hell outta them when they're puppies, but when they grow up, i chuck them aside. i'm in it for the cuteness only. so yes, that is my decision tentatively. i dont want to end up feeling like shit for putting a future pet dog in such an unloving home.



wait... i really want a pug though.

red-violet. Wednesday, October 14, 2009 |

every now and then
i get a little bit angry and i know i've got to get out and cry

my brother and cousins are driving me insane! they just never listen! i have no idea what will happen when they finally make me lose it. i've warned them before, but do they even bother? nope. just picture this: in all your anger, they still laugh in your face and continue to do what you've just told them to stop doing.

i dont know about you, but i demand a little respect. never (NEVER!) in my life have i ever come across such disobedient arseholes (am i being redundant?), and when i actually do, they just had to be immediate family. they just had to be them.

i cannot even begin to imagine what i will do if my child(ren) ever turn out to be like them fuckers. i just cannot bear to think about it.

what do i have to do to finally make them listen, huh? whip out the rotan? threaten to feed them to the rottweilers at the back? cry like a little baby?

OH LORD
i swear i could kill myself.

people always say, be tolerant, patient, whatever shit moral values they can conjure up. dont be such a dipshit, okay? way easier said than done. why dont you come and try on my shoes for a day? you'd be the first one to strangle them, if not, then yourself.



as wrong as it is, sometimes, i just want to kick them.

persimmon. Tuesday, October 13, 2009 |

i had my braces taken off last thursday, and it felt really good.

then i got my retainer on sunday. i have to wear it for 3 months, day and night. after that, 18 months but at night only.

i'm not in any mood to put up any photos but just know that my teeth are near-perfect. they're just really yellow. teehee~ (and yes, i do brush my teeth three times a day)

the retainer takes time getting used to as evidenced by my inability to speak coherently.

oh btw? i now speak with a LISP.

i made new york cheesecake on sunday and it was really dense and creamy. i guess that's what you get when you use 1kg of cream cheese. it was quite delicious and turned out better than i had expected, seeing how it was my first time; and i bet one slice was enough to satisfy the most extreme cheesecake enthusiast. i brought a few slices to school today. yummy, they said. that made my day. now i can cross successfully make a cheesecake off my life's to-do list.

i'm currently writing a short story. it involves zombies. i know it's quite a typical and run-of-the-mill kind of survival story but please, humour me awhile. now i'm just trying to decide whether my characters should survive or die horrible bloody, gory deaths.

suddenly, i want ice-cream.

i have this certain nagging feeling at the back of my head, telling me i have so much to do. more specifically, telling me to study. thing is, i'm not doing anything of that sort, which obviously concerns me. sigh. i have to buck up and start taking this seriously. and i'm falling sick, which doesnt really help my situation. sneeze sniffle cough

good luck with all that.

steel blue. Sunday, October 04, 2009 |

there was an earthquake earlier this week. it struck off the coast of south sumatra, and padang bore the full brunt of the tremor. so far, at least 1100 people have been confirmed to be dead and thousands more are feared to be missing, buried under the rubble of collapsed buildings.

the earthquake had a magnitude of 7.6 and it was even felt in high-rise buildings in malaysia, singapore and jakarta.

---------------------------------

you want to know what i'm seriously pissed at?

i've read a lot of this, or something of this sort, on facebook:

"omg, you felt the tremors? so jealous..."

more than a thousand people are dead. thousands more are missing. so many more have lost their homes, their loved ones and their hopes, their dreams, their everything... and all you can think about is how 'unfortunate' it was that you had to miss out on experiencing the tremors, feeling envious of your friends that actually did?

fuck you.
once again, FUCK YOU.

you think it's all fun and games, huh? it's like a joke to you. how about try being in their shoes for once. do you know how it feels to be constantly on the alert, the thought of another earthquake striking anytime, anywhere always lingering on the back of your mind? i do not, because i've never wanted to. but you? oh no... you actually want to.

of course, the truth is, you just dont know better. stuck in your naive little bubble, taking for granted how lucky all of us - compared to more disaster-prone countries - are to live in malaysia. you do not know how fucking frightening it is to feel the ground shake under your feet, to see terrified people fleeing their homes, to see buildings collapse, toppling like dominoes.

mindless, senseless people like you... just appall me. it's disgusting how shallow you are.

i hope you get the chance, the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity even, to find yourself in the middle of a disaster.

since the disaster cannot come to you, then why dont you go to it? here are some brilliant holiday-disaster destinations:
  • taiwan. the pacific typhoons it experiences are really crowd-pullers, with large waves, heavy rain and high winds. most storms occur from may to november, but can also happen all-year round. remember not to bring a rain coat or umbrella so as to fully savour the effects, and make sure to ignore evacuation plans.
  • california, usa and victoria, australia. california is notorious for its wildfires and victoria, for its bushfires. travellers are advised to bring along their own marshmallows for roasting because most residents would be too busy evacuating their homes to provide you with any. also, try to ignore their stares of disbelief as you admire the firestorms.
  • indonesia. this is the real deal, because it is an all-in-one holiday package. earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanic eruptions! oh my. best travelling period: unknown. it really depends on your luck if you want to experience the aforementioned disasters.
so, there you have it.
i hope you have a pleasant disaster-holiday, you sick fuckers.

---------------------------------

my heart goes out to all the victims and survivors of the sumatra earthquakes, of the devastated samoan islands, of typhoon-hit phillippines, vietnam, cambodia and laos, and lastly, of the sicilian floods and landslides.

mustard. Friday, October 02, 2009 |

i'm having that same feeling again.

i dont know how to describe it. just another case of the blues, i hope?

thinking about homework, exams, projects and how behind i am in my studies makes me sick to the stomach, and knowing how i wont be doing anything about it just kills me.

you know what i want to do? all i want to do is stay in bed.
for now, gone is the eagerness to get things done, be active and just be on the move.

life is like a cycle.
today: eat, shit, sleep.
tomorrow: eat, shit, sleep.
it's depressing.

well, it's not that bad. i'm just refusing to be on the brighter side today.




sigh... i dont want to wake up tomorrow.

amaranth. Monday, September 28, 2009 |

i do not condone animal cruelty, but sometimes, enough is enough because i felt like shooting a dog last night.

i barely got any shuteye (i'm certain i wasnt the only one) because some dumb rottweiler was howling the night away yesterday. it was the neighbour's, and this particular neighbour is situated just behind my house. so imagine the decibels. ironically, the family hasnt moved in yet. heck, even the renovations are far from complete.

there it goes again.
fuck.

i was awoken three goddamn times. first at 12am, then at 2am. i spent almost an hour tossing and turning and trashing in bed as the stupid mutt howled every 5 minutes. at 4am, i just gave up trying to sleep and went out to watch me some telly. i was especially pissed considering it was a sunday night, meaning, school the next day.

my mum said she would talk to the owner about it.

so she did. and you know what? that person fucker was just unbelievably inconsiderate.

he said he needed the dog to guard his property and his (unfinished) house. what the fuck are you talking about? what do you mean?! there isnt even anything inside yet! what is there to steal, huh? bricks? dust? cobwebs?

and imagine this, my mum said he even made his si lang bin.
GAWD, i was furious when my mum told me of his reaction.

i have one question for him.
have you no PR skills?

this does not bode well for him because, oooooh, wait til there's a fire and we gather around roasting marshmallows whilst watching their fugly house burn down. just who the fuck do you think you are? this is not your grandfather's neighbourhood, ok? in fact, you're like the "newcomer" here, as much as i hate to say that! there are other people - people, living organisms that actually eat, shit, sleep like you - living in the area, geddit? some of us are also students who have to wake up early for school, damn it! fuckin' arsehole! selfish bastard!

in the end, a compromise was reached. he said the main reason his dog was howling, was because it was lonely. so he'll pacify it by having the bitch stay with him.

i was like, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM?!

...ok, listen buddy, if your fuckingly brilliant plan fails and the howling continues, your dog days are over. OVER!



[UPDATE at 21:38]
it's barking. i'm guessing the howling will soon follow.
pumps shotgun
too bad.

J. R. R. Tolkien; fantasy quoted.


"Lúthien Tinúviel
more fair than mortal tongue can tell.
Though all to ruin fell the world
and were dissolved and backward hurled
unmade into the old abyss,
yet were its making good, for this—
the dusk, the dawn, the earth, the sea—
that Lúthien for a time should be."