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Bits and Pieces

Hello. Welllll, there isn't much to know about me. In other words, don't ask. Hey, but if you really want to know, one word: psychopath.. Anyways... I'm just another one of those bloggers out there, blogging about how crappy life is, etc. Pathetic, is it not? Life.

sky blue. Friday, June 26, 2009 |

Michael Jackson
August 29, 1958–June 25, 2009

i am so sad!

i got the shock of my life today. on the way to school, i heard news about michael jackson passing away at the age of 50.


some people ask me why i'm even bothered, why i even care. honestly, i was never a huge fan but i know one thing was for sure, he made good music. damn good. oh, and one more thing? he was THE king of pop.

it confuses me when people dont get why everyone else other then themselves are so worked up over his death. the question 'why is everyone getting so worked up over his death?' should have been 'why is everyone NOT getting so worked up over his death?'

so need i say more? he was an icon, a legend, and i'd rather people remember him for his music than for his personal life, however troubled and controversial it may have been. and mind you, his multiple surgeries and ever-changing appearance was never an issue with me, so it's unfortunate that he received so much ridicule for it. like, what was the big deal exactly? the tabloids, and the public, were never kind to him. and i cannot believe how people are still saying bad things (true or untrue) about him, especially since he's passed on! i was on facebook and noticed some people there just havent any respect.

thriller, that's the song - and the music video! - i will always remember him for.

rest in peace, michael.




tragedy.

electric indigo. Thursday, June 25, 2009 |


it was match point againt maria sharapova, and my world came crashing down the second i saw her hit that forehand long.

well, my world didnt come crashing down but it did ruin my day.
seriously.


*

the party's tomorrow.
yea, the party.

i've baked the cheesecake already and i cant say i'm actually satisfied with it. my mum says it's nice so i'm taking her word for it. she also said that i'm never happy with the outcome, be it a simple cheesecake or luxurious brownies.

that's not true... i found the basic vanilla cupcakes i baked before the cheesecake really nice! i also made chocolate mint cupcakes, which were delicious as well.

i dont care what i think though, what i care utmost about are my classmates' reactions to that first mouthful of cheesecake. will it heavenly bliss? or vomit-in-your-face-exorcist-style? pure euphoria? maybe indifference, no? they'd probably give me the face that says 'i wont be having a second slice'. hey bub, you wouldnt be allowed a second serving anyway.

i'm so pathetic.
it's miserable how i waddle in self-doubt and low-esteem.
it's STUPID.




i'll just act like nothing's wrong.

lime. Wednesday, June 24, 2009 |

my book of cupcake recipes had a bad tumble down the stairs. i dont like it when my books are 'abused', hence, my bad mood. actually, i really havent a clue why i'm in such a mood. is that okay? being moody and irritable without a good reason? i guess NOT, to some people.

i found out that i have receding gums yesterday. i went to the dentist to have my teeth scaled and polished, and upon seeing my gums, she kinda reprimanded me for brushing too hard. i've suspected that i had the condition, but my orthodontist didnt say anything - he would've told me about it, wouldnt he? - so after having it finally verified by the dentist, i can say that it got me very, very worried. sigh, now everytime i brush my teeth, i cant help but look and inspect my lower front teeth (and their almost visible roots). i then proceed to cringe. i'm not brushing my teeth so harshly anymore, but it's only been a day since i was told not to. hopefully, they'll grow back and i wont have to resort to gingival grafting.

we're having a class party tomorrow, and guess what? i have to bake a cheesecake. =.=
gosh, the girls in my class are obssessed with cheesecake.

i'm not saying that i was forced to bake one, but remember my chronic 'i-can-never-say-NO' disease? yea, that. i've bought the ingredients already anyway, and i get to get back my money from the class treasurer. at least i dont have to bear the costs... i'm thinking of baking some simple cupcakes too, (fore)seeing that there wont be enough CAKE! for everybody. they'd better show some appreciation or a cheesecake is gonna find its place on someone's face.

i hate... words slipping from my mind, but now that i smell durian... I HATE DURIAN. oh gawd, the smell of it wafting all the way up here. it knows how much i loathe it, so i guess it loathes me too because it is trying really hard to suffocate me. well, better luck next time, bozo!

imagining a durian trying to kill me, and calling it a bozo, somehow makes me feel like i've gone mental.



when i'm emo, just let me BE emo.
when i'm 'emo', i'm not emotional. i'm in a bad mood, even bipolar if it pleases you. so call it whatever you want but just know that i've never associated me being like this with this condition called 'emo'.
just learn the difference.
emo = depressed, suicidal, self-injury, peoms galore!
me = destructive, strife, angry, explosive, indifferent, snarls and sneers; for no fucking good reason with zero control whatsoever.
i dont expect anyone to understand though.

fuchsia. Saturday, June 20, 2009 |

drag me to hell was AWESOME.

it had me on the edge of my seat most of the time. seriously genuinely horrifying, unlike those previous so-called "horror" movies. i would have most likely flung the popcorn box up in the air, making it rain popcorn, during any of those 'out-of-nowhere' scenes had ck and i not finish it before the movie even began. i think i was the only omg-ing, screaming and shouting in the cinema whenever the lamia or old lady came popping up out of nowhere. how embarrassing. there were also some really funny parts, which provided some much-needed comic relief. pure horror + comedy = my type of movie. i am so going to watch it again with beatrice and yi ern when we hang out next week!!! though i have to say i was quite sad when it came to the ending. i guess now i understand why we all prefer happy endings to tragic endings. verdict: definitely recommended.

so yea, ck and i had hung out one last time before he was to go back to singapore next week. i helped him pick out a white shirt for his choir performances. i had to force him to pick the one with black buttons instead of the ones with conventional white or off-white ones because he was worried it wouldnt be allowed in choir. come on, man! be more adventurous, i thought you were the one always breaking the rules. there was also a slight pattern in the fabric, not being just plain and straight to the point if you get what i mean. in the end, he too was happy with his purchase because later on, he took it out of the bag, looked at it again and said, "so nice!". SWEAT

honestly, the shirt was very nice. the buttons were quite special too; black and shiny... i liked it too, and if ck didnt get it, i would have gone and got it for myself another day. it was really worth it, only rm60 because there's now a father's day promo - oh shit, i havent made a card for my dad yet. i'm lazy though! every year, all my brothers write in the card is: dear dad, happy father's day! i love you. from xxxx.

isnt that boring? all we can do vary is the design of the card, and frankly, i am desperately running out of ideas. we cant write anything else because then, it'll sound a bit too much... like, happy father's day! thank you for all the sunglasses, nike shoes, watches, skincare, breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert you have provided for me all these years. you're great! love ya! toodles! from xxxx.

maybe it's just me as i find it a bit hard to show love and affection, exactly just like the person who is my dad. then why do i not just buy those ready-made cards mass manufactured (urgh, this phrase is like a pimple that wont go away) by the likes of hallmark and memory lane? well, because such things are devoid of real love and affection. nothing is more loving and affectionate than a homemade card sometimes.

ironic, i know.

anyway, jocelyn swung by at 8.30pm to pass me some of her form six books. old, new books! (or is it new, old books? i'm confused) yet i'm so excited! i like nice stuff. haha and i saved so much money! thanks a bunch, jo. and you have really nice hair. LOL

okay, people. i have a card to make now.




gawd! i totally hate having my internet cut off at 11pm; an "internet curfew".

blaze orange. Wednesday, June 17, 2009 |

sigh. the internet is being retarded again, so goddamned retarded.


frustration levels are at an all time high and i have nowhere to let it all out. i feel like i'm going to explode. though now that i'm watching the grunting match between maria sharapova and venus williams, i totally feel better because it is so AWESOME! lol

anyhoo, i've already finished my homework! well, not exactly, but i did all that i knew how to do. i actually took the time to think, cross my heart. i've done all the questions required for maths... for the current chapter, that is. dont even mention the previous chapter because i'm just gonna pretend i didnt hear you! la la la la...

i've grown bored of my music. i need new songs, new artists to listen to. gosh, all the songs i listen to are now practically lullabies. boooooring.

ohyea, the rumours of having to stay back at school til 4? they're most probably true. my form teacher said it hasnt been officially announced at my school, though it already was at other schools like MBS and such. now hear me out for awhile: i am not amused. my god, what the hell?! exactly WHAT would necessitate such shitty adjustments to the form six class schedule? WHAT would we be doing anyway?! we have 5 subjects to study, and we can only take in so much in a single day! i wouldnt know what to do, how to react if they really do this to us. and let me just clarify something; we have a life and we are not going to spend - what, 1600-0730... - 8.5 hours, a third of our days, in school for FIVE days every week! SIX days when we have co-curricular activities! you say it's just an additional 2 hours from the current 6 hours, but 2 hours is a fuck load of time for me. in 2 hours, i can already watch the grunting match between sharapova and willliams 36 times! 36 FUCKING TIMES! well, 36 fucking times if you minus the time taken for the video to load and the time i repeat the extra loud points in the game.

imbeciles.

aqua. Monday, June 15, 2009 |

the holidays have ended and it's the first day of school. gaaah, maths class was pure torture. i had my eyes glazed over like those krispy kreme suger-glazed doughnuts most of the time as the teacher rambled on, scribbling equations and their solutions on the board. i wasnt bored, i was actually angry because i couldnt get myself to understand what was going on. shrugs oh well...

anyway, i'm finally getting my very own austin mini. MWAHAHAHA. it was beautiful! went with my parents (ronan tagged along) to see the car, all the way at balik pulau. i wasnt very happy at first because i still hadnt finish my maths homework, but it was worth it. on that note, i'd rather go out driving my mini anytime than stay at home with a stack of reference books. urm... lol. my main concern though is my incompetence in driving a manual car. haha

i cant wait for all the paperwork to be finished, then the car will be all miiiine. is beige a boring colour? the body is a very light beige while the top, the roof is black. i wish i could give it a nice shiny, glossy coat of red with the malaysian UK flag painted on top. now that'd be a treat.

i kinda regret choosing form 6. i'm just worried it'd be too hard and i'd get horrible results in my stpm. but then "it's too hard" is not really an excuse. now, if only i could overcome my perpetual laziness. i'm also just sad at the prospect of not having any of my closest friends left in penang with me. most of them have and will be leaving penang to go study elsewhere. chun kit, seumas and beatrice have already went off to singapore, sydney and kl respectively. yi ern said she might be going to kl next year after college here. then there's joel. he's changed his mind and is thinking of dropping outta form 6 to go to college - he just needs his family's support.

sigh. they are the only people i can really talk to. after they've gone, what am i suppose to do? people say, go make new friends. you know i'm not the kind of person who can just strike up a conversation with any stranger. i cant make friends just like that. it's not easy for me. most of the time, i seem arrogant and cold when you first meet me, but i'm not! i'm just shy, you idiots. just give me the benefit of doubt, ok? gosh. by the time i'm all warmed up and ready to socialise, the 'party' would already be over.

why me???



milestone: 200th entry.

lemon. Saturday, June 13, 2009 |

i went to coffee bean after dinner just so i could return them their fugly uniform. after that, i was reminded how much of a fucking twat hayati is.

i return the apron, cap and name tag to her. then with a scowl on her face, she asks me where the shirts were. fuck! seeing her expression was almost enough for me to punch her jaw in. keep in mind that i paid a deposit of RM60 for them ugly stuff - apron, shirts, cap and name tag. so, of course when you dont say anything about returning me my money, i would automatically assume that i at least get to keep those brand new shits - i mean, shirts, because who the hell would want to wear secondhand shirts when they're gonna have to pay RM60 anyways? i mean, the aprons are ok, the caps borderline ok, but shirts?! if i were one of the new staff and i found out i'm paying RM60 to wear shirts other people have sweat, sneezed, wiped their nose shit on before, well, fuck me because i paid RM60! NO WAY. what kind of sick people run that place?! god! OKAY, so i say i'd return her the shirts tomorrow. was she happy? NO. in actual fact, i heard a hint of skeptism in her voice after that.

like, what the fucking FUCK.

hayati, you are such an arsehole. cant you just fucking brighten up for awhile? jesus! my expression immediately darkened the moment i turned away to escape that god-forsaken hell hole. yes, i may have been a tad late in returning you your precious shit but what was the fucking rush? if you said you needed it ASAP because there wasnt enough for the new staff, fine, i'd had gotten it to you ASAP. newsflash! you didnt. finally, when i return it to you, you give me that fucking evil eye like i was the arsehole instead. the proper reaction would be a nice thank you with a pleasant smile. i honestly cannot fathom how she's survived in the service industry for so long, especially with such an attitude.

pffft... what a fucking joke.

later, i asked bell whether i'd be getting my RM60 back. since she said yes, i have a lingering suspicion that hayati was hoping i'd forgotten that whole RM60 deposit thing and just return the uniform. even though my suspicions have yet to be confirmed, i'm still going to rant like they were. here goes: that BITCH! my god, what does she think i am? some dodo bird? is she trying to fool me? hell! i gave my all when i was working there and you treat me like that? i wasnt some idiot bumbling around the place. in fact, i dare say i was one of the better ones. YEA, fuck yea.

i bet one day she's going to be cursed and dragged to hell.
seriously, i am that pissed off to say that. actually... it's a wonder that hasnt happened yet.





i havent watched the movie yet, though i wish i had so that i could have derived greater pleasure in writing those few sentences.

khaki. Thursday, June 11, 2009 |

i think i am on the verge of another mental breakdown.

after careful observation, i can conclude that this cycles repeats itself approximately every fortnight. i'd have two weeks of peace and happiness, then two weeks of binge-ing, mood-swinging insanity. therefore, i would like to ask if there is a male equivalent of PMS because i am seriously so fucked-up right now.

first of all, i have these huge yearnings for comfort food smack right in the middle of the night. it definitely does not help when jamie oliver and nigella lawson are playing masak-masak in their respective kitchens on tv. food pornography... gaaaawd, kill me. okay, so i go around the kitchen scouring for food to binge on. i find nothing but unhealthy, mass-manufactured shit. so what do i do? i eat, DUH. the thing is, after you eat, you're suppose to feel satisfied, right? NOOO! i felt horrible and guilty! disgusted by the fact that high-fat, high-sodium junk was floating in my stomach. i hope i dont sound like a health freak but imagine if this goes on, i'd be all fat and lumpy in no time! my arteries would be clogged and my cholesterol levels would shoot through the roof! urm... dammit, what else did biology teach me?!

the mood swings also drive me crazy. well, they also drive me to binge because I EAT MY FEELINGS, BITCHES. so you see, girls? guys eat their feelings too. now, how about those chocolate brownies...

ooops, i have homework to do. i'm not bothered though, not yet. i still have three days, three glorious days to complete 50 extremely abstract (well, abstract only for a dimwit like me) maths questions. procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate




is there something on your mind?
fuck yea.

camouflage. Wednesday, June 10, 2009 |

HAHAHAHAHA. oh my god, i love laughing at funny stuff. unfunny stuff too, because sometimes they're so unfunny, they're actually funny. the lies i tell myself

urm... anyway, i was surfing the net when i chanced upon awkwardfamilyphotos. some are just so silly and funny, i had to gag myself just to stop laughing.

never before has a birthday cake photograph been so chilling.


HAHAHAHHA. fuckin' hilarious. everytime i look at the photo, i just burst out laughing. gawd, why this? why now? i have homework to do! HAHAH

ohyea, i did this test.

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?

i dunno what to say... except, what?! i actually thought it would be worse.
lol

cardinal. Tuesday, June 09, 2009 |

the mercury is at an all-time high these days. the heat is unbearable. i no longer look forward to sleeping because i wake up everytime bathed in sweat - seriously uncomfortable. to aggravate the already volatile situation, i have incredible levels of sound pollution to deal with. nope, i am not talking about the various remixes of i kissed a girl blasting from my speakers. there's construction going on just behind my house, and my bedroom being directly adjacent to the source of discontention, i have the pleasure of absorbing all the noise. my bedroom may be a floor higher than the site of construction, but due to the physics of sound waves, if i'm not mistaken, sound waves tend to travel upwards in high temperatures. so there you have it, the damned chaos theory in all its glory.

and because it's so hot, i'm too lazy i just cannot go around snapping photos that easily. my own little warning: project 365 is not suitable for people living in extremely humid and hot countries as the participants may actually die before they get to finish their project, especially without a survival backpack.

i harbour perpetual hate for my own mood swings, like the one i'm in now. oh my god, it's so hot my butt is perspiring. anyway, i should be doing my homework, but i'm not. i should be creating moments through my camera, but i'm not. urgh.

i NEED comfort food, but all i find in the fridge are beer, fruit, german waffle biscuits, a weird-looking brown substance and a bag of m&m's i do not feel like opening yet, among other non-comfort food. i was thinking of baking some brownies the other day when i had a huge yearning for some good, old non-mass manufactured homebaked comfort food. it didnt work out because i found out i didnt have enough dark chocolate to bake them. so i bought some on sunday. the thing is, i dont have this huge yearning for some good, old non-mass manufactured homebaked comfort food anymore. i emptied my wallet for nothing. and i'm lazy to go to the bank, just to let you know.




she's dangerous.

white. Friday, June 05, 2009 |

i am extremely ashamed of myself. i'm not proud of the fact that i just brushed aside my grandaunt's passing just like that, like how i would brush away an annoying fly with a flick of the hand. i dont understand how i could find something like a relative's death even faintly hilarious. i dont care how distant we were; it doesnt matter that i rarely talked to her. it just does not matter.

how she passed away, nobody really knows. she was about to take her shower when it happened. one possibility is, she had a heart attack. the other, she fell down, hit her head on the floor and just passed on. the discovery was made when my aunt's sister-in-law went in to investigate after having not heard the sound of water 10 minutes after my grandaunt went in.

i shed tears for my late grandaunt an hour ago. the official plan for the whole family to pay their respects to her right after dinner was called off, but my family just dropped by at the funeral parlour to see how my aunt and uncle were doing. my grandaunt was living with them, so when she passed away, they had to prepare and organise the funeral arrangements.

i didnt see them - the tears - coming. i lit a joss stick for her for tradition's sake, and just followed my father to have what could possibly the last look at her face - i had a hard time remembering her face prior to that. the tears started to well up in my eyes soon after. i felt so ashamed, though i felt more sadness. the look of peace and serenity on her pale face could have triggered the tears, or maybe it's just the fact that i cannot fully accept someone's death until i see their lifeless body - i'm not even sure myself. something, or more likely, everything about death pains me extremely.

i would be lying if i didnt say that i felt a bit awkward being the only one crying, but try as i might, i could not stop the tears from flowing. the harder i tried, the faster they came. i pondered, and realised that i dont think i could ever accept anyone's death calmly. it doesnt matter whether they had a good life, a happy life or whatever. it's death, the grim reaper... nobody can ever be consoled by the fact that someone they had just lost lived a happy, long and enjoyable life. blame my own pessimism but unlike some other people, death for me is nothing to rejoice about.

so far, i've lost three people in my life: my great-grandmother, one of my closest family friends and this grandaunt of mine. my great-grandmother passed away when i was probably under 10, and i barely felt anything because quite simply, i must have been too young to understand anything like that.

my friend passed away around the time after my pmr examinations. i cried like i had gone mad at her wake; i sobbed uncontrollably, bawled my eyes blind. at a time when i was possibly bucket loads more optimistic than now, i honestly believed she would have received that liver transplant and recover. the last time i ever saw her alive was when i visited her in selayang hospital in kl. we didnt talk though; she was just too weak, drifting in and out of consciousness. when it was my turn to enter the ICU, alone mind you, the sight of seeing someone i cared so much for in pain and on the brink was too much to handle. the only thing i could do was to give her mother, who had been by her side the whole time, the biggest hug i could muster. it was barely five minutes when i rushed out into the corridor in tears. to add insult to injury, a couple of people i turned to for support commented that she would be going to hell as she wasnt a christian. i dont care whatever your intentions were, because trust me, i will never forget the words you insensitive pricks uttered to me (and fuck me if i'm being harsh, because who in their right mind would ever say that to someone who had just lost a close friend, huh?!). i forgive, but - mark my words - i will NEVER EVER forget. the only thanks i can give you is for letting me realise how stupid and backwards religion can be. so, thank you for that turning point in my life. thank you so much.

as clichéd as i may sound, cherish your loved ones - young or old - while they're still here with you and you with them. never take them for granted. also, smile! and if possible, try within your limits to live like today was your last day on earth.

anyway, i just hope, in my grandaunt's last moments, she passed away knowing everyone loved her and would miss her after she was gone. she was a good woman. i wish the same for my great-grandmother and of course, for my dearest friend, Kar Mun.




"The bitterest tears shed over graves are
for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
- Harriet Beecher Stowe

cosmic latte. Thursday, June 04, 2009 |

urm. someone passed away today.

i dont think i ever really talked to my grandaunt. everytime we see her, we just acknowledge her by calling her ee poh, you know, just out of politeness. nothing more. i doubt i would have found anything interesting to talk to her about either. and there's always that invisible barrier, making it just awkward to initiate conversation with someone i rarely meet and barely know.

to make things kinda worse, today we were supposed to celebrate her and my grandma's birthday. some big dinner celebration.

my brother came to me an hour ago to tell me that the celebrations will not be as joyous anymore. i, always expecting the worse, just expected the worse. then he told me that our grandaunt had passed away. i didnt know how to react. i wasnt sad, i was indifferent. in fact, i feel guilty for not grieving. understandably it's hard to do so since we never talked or anything.

worse still, i found it a bit funny that she would choose to die on her birthday. well, not choose, but you get what i mean. she was in the shower when the grim reaper came. COD: myocardial infarction; and for those who do not watch house or csi - shame on you! - a heart attack.

life and death. just another unending cycle.
how unnerving.