i am extremely ashamed of myself. i'm not proud of the fact that i just brushed aside my grandaunt's passing just like that, like how i would brush away an annoying fly with a flick of the hand. i dont understand how i could find something like a relative's death even faintly hilarious. i dont care how distant we were; it doesnt matter that i rarely talked to her. it just does not matter.

how she passed away, nobody really knows. she was about to take her shower when it happened. one possibility is, she had a heart attack. the other, she fell down, hit her head on the floor and just passed on. the discovery was made when my aunt's sister-in-law went in to investigate after having not heard the sound of water 10 minutes after my grandaunt went in.

i shed tears for my late grandaunt an hour ago. the official plan for the whole family to pay their respects to her right after dinner was called off, but my family just dropped by at the funeral parlour to see how my aunt and uncle were doing. my grandaunt was living with them, so when she passed away, they had to prepare and organise the funeral arrangements.

i didnt see them - the tears - coming. i lit a joss stick for her for tradition's sake, and just followed my father to have what could possibly the last look at her face - i had a hard time remembering her face prior to that. the tears started to well up in my eyes soon after. i felt so ashamed, though i felt more sadness. the look of peace and serenity on her pale face could have triggered the tears, or maybe it's just the fact that i cannot fully accept someone's death until i see their lifeless body - i'm not even sure myself. something, or more likely, everything about death pains me extremely.

i would be lying if i didnt say that i felt a bit awkward being the only one crying, but try as i might, i could not stop the tears from flowing. the harder i tried, the faster they came. i pondered, and realised that i dont think i could ever accept anyone's death calmly. it doesnt matter whether they had a good life, a happy life or whatever. it's death, the grim reaper... nobody can ever be consoled by the fact that someone they had just lost lived a happy, long and enjoyable life. blame my own pessimism but unlike some other people, death for me is nothing to rejoice about.

so far, i've lost three people in my life: my great-grandmother, one of my closest family friends and this grandaunt of mine. my great-grandmother passed away when i was probably under 10, and i barely felt anything because quite simply, i must have been too young to understand anything like that.

my friend passed away around the time after my pmr examinations. i cried like i had gone mad at her wake; i sobbed uncontrollably, bawled my eyes blind. at a time when i was possibly bucket loads more optimistic than now, i honestly believed she would have received that liver transplant and recover. the last time i ever saw her alive was when i visited her in selayang hospital in kl. we didnt talk though; she was just too weak, drifting in and out of consciousness. when it was my turn to enter the ICU, alone mind you, the sight of seeing someone i cared so much for in pain and on the brink was too much to handle. the only thing i could do was to give her mother, who had been by her side the whole time, the biggest hug i could muster. it was barely five minutes when i rushed out into the corridor in tears. to add insult to injury, a couple of people i turned to for support commented that she would be going to hell as she wasnt a christian. i dont care whatever your intentions were, because trust me, i will never forget the words you insensitive pricks uttered to me (and fuck me if i'm being harsh, because who in their right mind would ever say that to someone who had just lost a close friend, huh?!). i forgive, but - mark my words - i will NEVER EVER forget. the only thanks i can give you is for letting me realise how stupid and backwards religion can be. so, thank you for that turning point in my life. thank you so much.

as clichéd as i may sound, cherish your loved ones - young or old - while they're still here with you and you with them. never take them for granted. also, smile! and if possible, try within your limits to live like today was your last day on earth.

anyway, i just hope, in my grandaunt's last moments, she passed away knowing everyone loved her and would miss her after she was gone. she was a good woman. i wish the same for my great-grandmother and of course, for my dearest friend, Kar Mun.

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are
for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
- Harriet Beecher Stowe