i do not
know what to say,
what to do, and
what to make out of this crisis.

i do not
know how to control my feelings,
my emotions, and
my mouth.

i do not know how to do anything.
i do not know anything.
i do not own anything.

just being human.

~

urgh, melodramatic behaviour.

i could die right now. in fact, i DO want to die right now. contemplating suicide, well, is something new to me. should i do it like the japanese, or should i just kill myself the traditional way? by hanging myself or by slitting my wrists? starvation or electrocution? hey, i have a car for a reason, so maybe i should utilise the precious carbon monoxide that it produces. or maybe, just maybe, i could get najis to get rid of me mongolian style, that'd be harder, but what a way. so many techniques, so many methods. how do i choose? i can say that i am totally spoilt for choice.

my best friend and i were ranting, talking crap and wasting money at tuition yesterday. i was wondering if my suicide would trigger a chain reaction. after my death, friends and family would get depressed. they would get so depressed, they would eventually commit suicide as well. then, their family and friends would get depressed and the whole cycle would repeat itself. then maybe after a year or so, the human race would have become extinct because of me! ha, wishful thinking. talk about dying happy. i doubt i am that worthwhile to them anyway.

i've got to be joking, right? joking about this whole committing suicide issue? well, it depends. my best friend and i came up with a theory. frankly, i do not know whether such a theory already exists or not, but whatever. our theory states that suicidal or pseudo-suicidal people can be put into four categories. the first one would be where that person blabs to the whole entire world about how miserable and horrible his life is, saying how much he wants to end his life, only to do nothing in the end. the second category would be where that person does exactly what the person in the first category does, the only difference is that he really kills himself in the end. in the third category, you would meet a person who seems alright, who seems satisfied with his life, who seems a-okay. in actuality, that person is living a lie, his life a masquerade. his happy façade manages to bluff everyone and tells them that he's happy and not miserable at all, right until he commits suicide that is, which would quitessentially surprise all the people he's been interacting with. that's the third category. in the last category would be a person who has nothing and who seems to you, is facing every kind of problem imaginable. debt, despair, devils and dead relatives popping up asking him to burn paper ipods for them. and you wonder, "when is he ever going to kill himself? when is he ever going to get out of my sight and stop ruining my otherwise perfect garden/neighbourhood/society?" and when he doesnt go away, it perplexes you. well, hang in there, because this person is here to stay. he may always be in a some sort of predicament, but this category four-person is optimistic and determined to make his way through life's obstacles, no matter how feeble his efforts may be.

so, which category do i belong to?

i have a feeling that if you choose the first category, i may want to prove you wrong and actually kill myself. but wait! if you choose the second category, i may still kill myself. choosing the third category would be, hmmm... oh i dunno. the fourth category? yea, i guess you must really know me then. i never knew i was that kind of person. wow, optimism... never heard of it.

and then there's the question of heaven and hell. oh wait, i dont believe anymore. oh well, doesnt matter. forget i said anything pertaining to this issue. surely, i could have just deleted this paragraph, but i choose not to. i wonder why.

of course, this whole entry could just be my way of playing with your mind. turn it around 360 degrees and you would be reading a desperate plea for help and salvation. ooooooh, my life hangs in the balance, so make sure you interpret everything correctly, kay? *depending on your analysis: evil laugh/menangis teresak-esak*



note: there's a reason as to why i am so keen on studying psychology.