i loathe studying so much right now that if it were a living, breathing, goddamn ugly thing, i would destroy it on sight.

my parents bought me a myvi in the end, and i received a scolding for not appreciating their gesture yesterday; another reason for me to feel like killing my worthless self right now. yea, go on and blame me - the disrespectful, spoilt, pathetic brat who depends on everyone for everyfuckingthing (source: MY DAD). whoever fucking asked them to go on blabbing about how they would be getting me that suzuki swift in the first place? so, of course i'd be disappointed.

which got me thinking: what the hell am i doing here? what is my goddamned purpose? i do not want a life like this, where i have to conform to so-called society norms. i do not want to depend on my parents like this anymore! i want to have my own life where I am the one in control. i do not want to face the pressure of having to get excellent grades, i mean, i could get average grades, but in the end, who gets the beatings? ME! i want to be more carefree and happy-go-lucky. i do not want to give a fuck about what other people think of me. i do not want to have to have the best things in life because i hate being so materialistic! what's the point? i'm going to die sooner or later anyway, so why not live life to the fullest RIGHT NOW? forget all the inhibitions. i want to burn some mosquitoes, plant a tree, travel the world, meet new people, fall in love, have kids, grandkids, help the needy, feed the hungry, save someone from a burning building, write a book, make a movie, build a skyscraper, fly to mars, discover aliens, invent the next big thing, find the cure to AIDS... so much, yet, i'm still here, studying my fucking brains out for yet another exam that's just so pointless in comparison to what life really is.