the first one spoke very well, his speech also wasnt that bad. it's just such a pity that he's a snob. the second one was also great. overall, most of them were exceptionally exceptional. the only one that i felt didnt do that well was seumas. i dont mean to say he slobbered all over his speech, but compared to those others, he was just good. he would have excelled in school but not under these circumstances. but at least he went up(or should i say, down) there to speak, unlike yours truly who just sat there, heart pounding for no apparent reason. was i nervous for seumas? or nervous because of the possibility of being picked by

Pn. Faridah Khadil

and then ending up not that excellent?

but whatever it was, i didnt get my chance to speak because i wasnt "invited" to speak and i obviously didnt volunteer. i kinda regretted not volunteering because i thought i could do well too, not like the others but just well. in the end, i kinda doubted myself in another kind of way too. i just dont know... what i really want.

one thing i do know is that i am ignorant.

----

while still feeling so inferior compared to the likes of them, i travelled to the botanical gardens for a nature society outing. lame, i know. the main reason i joined the society in the first place was because i assumed we were going to plant trees and stuff like that. who knew that, in the end, we were gathering rubbish on sport's day. one of the most humiliating things to ever happen in my life. it's kinda sad. a naive form one student picking rubbish while being taunted by some other bastards: "hey! you missed that scrap of shit!" sigh. my life is in shambles already.

i'm crying.

anyway, met up with ck and sian kitt there. the club just organised a walk. boring.

----

ranjini came online just now. i needed to talk to someone, so i talked to her. and after i explained how i felt to her, she told me stuff that made me feel so much better. after chatting with her, i realised my problems were nothing compared to hers. i felt so petty. i felt so pathetic.

i'm sorry.

thank you, ranjini.

----

what i initially wanted to blog about was how i realised how uselessly untalented i was. about how i dont play no music. about how i suck in sports. about how plain lazy i am. about how i dont speak that well. about how i dont do that well in certain subjects... yadda yadda yadda.

but then i talked to ranjini.

now, i realise that i'm just trying to be perfect. she told me nobody's perfect. i too have told a lot of people that, but ended up not applying it to myself. isnt it ironic? ha-ha. i guess i really need that slap in the face. and a slap on the back too, if possible.

Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it.
-Salvador Dali

thanks for all the advice, ranjini. you really made me feel better. :)