i'm actually still recovering from the experience, but i'm not saying it wasn't fun. it was! i just didnt dare show it. i didnt dare show how much fun i was having. i'm self-conscious. exceptionally so when having to dance, or just jump around, in a room full of people. it's just so hard. and i'm sorry.

anyway~
okay, so i admit it. i went to a club. and it was called MOIS. sorry everyone, i'm not a good boy anymore. OH WAIT, i havent been a good boy since... when? 2007? yea, when i dyed my hair and got caught in school. it was nothing, but it was something as well. nothing because, who cared? to everyone else, it was just another stupid student trying to attract attention. but to me, it was kinda liberating. it was deviating from this innocent, naive boy i've been labelled with since forever. fair skin did not help my predicament. i still remember being called the snow white of my class in primary school. then later, i was teased for it with SK-II references in secondary school. tragic, wasnt it?

but most of the time, i stick to my roots. i'm still the quiet boy; loud, ludicrous and sarcastic only with my closest friends. i dress casually, only thinking about being the best-dressed in my fantasies. i draw up potential scenarios when in certain situations, almost everytime going with the safest and most boring one. i am consciously repressing myself, yes. dont laugh, but i honestly think that part of me could be friendlier, crazier, more outgoing... if only i could just let go. instead, i am this quiet, reserved, moody asshole of a kid who overthinks every single goddamned detail.

about last night: i got flak for not making enough of an effort last night. thanks, chun kit. for pete's sake, cant you at least see that i tried? if not for the encouragement, i would have just stood by the table waiting for you guys to finish shaking your arses off. what would you expect from someone like me? you want me to just explode onto the dancefloor? GAWD. that's murder.

and about my troubled expression... well, i have no excuses for that. i just find it hard to smile when doing something so shameless for the first time. i use the word shameless because, to me, dancing club-style requires a lot of GUTS, and that's something i dont have. and FYI, i dont know how to dance, or dont know how to act like i know how to dance, so of course i was too aware of how silly i would have looked.

but ultimately, i did have fun. what i'm afraid of is that, i think i could get used to it.

bring it on, bitches.