the occasional psychobabble

down in the dumps.

2010-06-14T19:48:00.000+08:00

Somehow I'm finding hard to start blogging again, but I need an outlet, somewhere familiar to express what I'm feeling. It's a range of negative emotions, so what better place, right? I can't go around sobbing my eyes out (I weep myself to sleep, but somehow that isn't enough, is it?). I can't exactly vent my anger and frustration on my cousins, who are still as annoying as ever. I can't do anything I wish I could, actually. It's pathetic, how sorry I feel for myself.

Damn.

I feel like I haven't a purpose and I am so demotivated by that. I want to die; I want to disappear. I just want to get away from all this.

In a way, I want to get my act together. Start studying, start getting good grades, start looking forward to university. It's just so hard taking that first step, and after that, sustaining the effort. I never could understand how easily some people can set their mind on something and work their way towards their goals. I think I used to be able to do that; I've forgotten how to though. So much has changed since Form 5. My priorities are no longer what they should be. Right now, studying is of no interest to me, at least what I'm studying isn't.

Fuck it, fuck Form 6! But I can't. I need to do this.

Then do it.

It's gone.

2010-02-08T18:53:00.003+08:00

I'm afraid I won't be blogging as often as I would like to anymore. In fact, I don't even know if I'll return.

The lack of time and energy has taken a toll on my enthusiasm here. School's a monster, slowly eating away at my body and mind. It will just not go away. I don't like what's happening, but there's not a single thing I can do about it. Besides, the excitement I used to have is gone. It no longer exists. I don't have the urge to share my life's ups and down, adventures and mishaps anymore.

Never have I devoted so much emotion and energy into a blog/journal/diary before. The blog before this was immature and silly, a product of a 14-year-old's (or was I 15?) imagination and love for cookies, now somewhere lost in the infinite universe of cyberspace. But the memories are to die for. The same applies to those created as a result of this blog. I will miss this.

I will be back. When? I have no idea, but when I do, I'm sure it'll be with a new found sense of direction. Til then...

Can this get anymore dramatic? *eyes roll

I mean business.

2010-01-30T23:37:00.005+08:00

I've never been so busy.

Gone are the afternoon naps that last for hours, the hours spent in front of the computer surfing the net, the time spent reading before bedtime... It's weird. I'm not used to being on the move or having something to finish everyday. I miss my personal time, 'me' time.

There'll be meetings after school on Mondays and Tuesdays. Fridays are for librarian duties and organic chemistry tuition afterwards. Extra math class on Mondays and physical chemistry tuition on Saturdays. Not to mention the tonnes of homework, assignments and projects to finish. I might not seem that busy, but in reality, I'm just not used to all this. This is what 'busy' is to me.

It's especially hard to study when I fall asleep after reading a page or two, and that worries me. I can't study like this.

Oh god, I can barely keep my eyes open now...

Sunset; Dust, anybody?

2010-01-02T00:25:00.000+08:00

My last-minute attempt at finishing my school holiday assignments have not been successful. In fact, I did not even manage to start, partially because the papers I require for my written assignment are lost, somewhere in the hell hole I call my bedroom. (As for my herbarium and insectarium projects, let's just say I'm depending on my team members to not depend on me - if you know what I mean.) In trying to locate said papers, I went on a room-cleaning rampage armed with my handheld Dustbuster. Stacks of past-year exercise books, a pair of cheap binoculars (I hope), a basket full of dried-up pens and dusty stationery, endless numbers of paper files and even a box full of computer CDs were chucked into a huge purple plastic bag. Of course, the recyclable paper products were dumped into another humongous white plastic bag. It's unfortunate that I do not possess any before/after photos, because the bedroom - which I share with 3 siblings - looks simply marvelous.

Alas, marvelous things are not meant to last. I expect the mess to return in one month, tops.

Lava; My goals for 2010.

2010-01-01T01:55:00.003+08:00

1.
Study like my future depended on it, because it does.

I feel like I've given up on myself. It's either the extreme laziness that encumbers me, or the fact that my mind is no longer set on studying (maths is a bitch). It's a vicious cycle. I'm well-aware of what my problem is, it's just I don't do a damn thing about it. I cannot understand why I fail to see the importance of studying when I even advocate it myself. Education is the only way towards a career, towards a house to live in, towards providing for one's family, towards achieving one's dreams, towards a FUTURE. So why is nothing happening here? Why? Maybe I'm taking all this for granted. I've never really had any major problems with my grades. I may fail a few subjects in my school exams, but I always seem to pull through the year quite well. My PMR and SPM results aren't that bad either. Everything changed this year. I failed every subject except MUET in my finals, which is a serious load of crap. What's going to happen if I do not do the best that I can? Because honestly, I do not want to go to a local university. I want the best I can get. I know I have the chops to make it, I just haven't proven it yet.

Talk is also very cheap, so I'm going to stop here. I do not want to get too worked up over something that could still potentially implode.

2.
Cut down on my meat consumption.

My aunt told me that not eating meat will make me stupid but I'm taking everything with a pinch of salt because, boy, if that's true, I can kiss goal #1 and thus, my future goodbye. Besides, I didn't say I was going to exclude meat from my diet completely. I'm taking things slowly... in preparation for a vegetarian diet in the future. So far, people have been skeptical about this. Heck, some even laughed. "Only real men eat red meat", "Where are you going to get your protein from?", that sort of stuff. I don't understand why some people fail to grasp the concept of a diet without meat. Telling them of my intentions is like telling them, "Hey, I'm going to castrate myself", or "I'm a spiritual, new-age person who does yoga naked every morning". Sorry for the stereotyping, but it's true. Anyway, the main reason I'm doing this is the impact meat production has on the climate. It's shocking itself, knowing how much the emissions of cows and sheep contribute to global warming. I'm also partially influenced by my mum, who doesn't take meat at all. I could go into the issue of animal rights but some people just do not care. They fail to see that animals, not only their pet dogs and cats, have feelings and emotions. Just hearing that statement would give them reason enough to scoff.

I have to admit though, meat tastes so good after having gone days without.

3.
Maintain a weekly exercise routine.

I do not like it how my enthusiasm fizzles out halfway through everything I do. The exception being my studies, something I was never enthusiastic about. I have not engaged in any physical activity since school ended, not counting bicycling in Bangkok, which resulted in me falling, sprawling onto the road and into a world of hurt.

So, anything besides bicycling - jogging, weight training, swimming, badminton, tennis, yoga - I'm game. I know I've got Joel for jogging/running, so anyone else? Oh wait, I don't think so. I've only got Joel because EVERYONE ELSE IS NOT IN PENANG ANYMORE.

4.
Worry less.

My worrying can take an irrational turn sometimes. Examples:

Worrying that I won't find a parking space wherever I go.
Worrying I might get infection with the injuries I sustained falling off the bicycle in Bangkok.
Worrying about how repeatedly holding my pee in may result in decreased elasticity of my bladder, which, in turn, may result in incontinence. Youch.

A useful piece of advice: Don't sweat the small stuff.

Other than that, happy new year, everybody! May 2010 be the beginning of wonderful decade. Cheers.

harlequin.

2009-12-06T22:53:00.010+08:00

it's normal to prepare a list of names for future offspring, right? RIGHT???

'cause i already have countless a few names in mind. now i'm having second thoughts about sharing them here because, well, they're MY CHILDREN'S! besides, y'all might think i'm crazier than initially thought, what with the list of names and everything...

now, the names i chose are decidedly less common than, say, Daniel, Alex, Kylie or Catherine. i want a name that stands out, but not bordering on looney (hopefully, hahahahaha). many of them are inspired by film, TV and literature; names i find giddily delightful. my choices are also based on the person's qualities, qualities i wish my children to have.

the list:

Kafka - literal meaning, jackdaw; inspired by the novel by Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore (海辺のカフカ, Umibe no Kafuka). the novel is a wonderful, fascinating one. anyway, Kafka Tamura is the main character. he, on the other hand, was named after the famous czech author, Franz Kafka. i just found myself attracted to the character's qualities as the story progressed. besides having profound insight, he reads a lot. lovely!
Vesper - literal meaning in classic latin, evening; if you dont know, it's the name of one of them bond girls, Vesper Lynd. Eva Green's portrayal of her in Casino Royale was captivating, one of the reasons why i like the film. her initial skepticism and criticism of the ego which is Bond in the movie was biting. sarcasm (not just any kind of sarcasm though; her kind of sarcasm: scathing and cutting) is a quality i think every girl should have. used in appropriate situations though - we wouldnt want her being a meanie who bullies boys, do we? some people say Vesper is a male name, something which i will keep in mind. who knows? a boy named Vesper? oooh, i'd just love the looks people have when they hear that. MUAHAHA
Cillian (KIL-yan) - literal meaning, war/strife; one of my children would be named after the actor Cillian Murphy. one of my favourite actors, having starred in 28 Days Later as and Red Eye, both equally wonderful films. he plays hero and villain in those two films respectively. there's the survivor who rises to the occasion, and then there is the bad, mean terrorist. i know they are fictional characters, but they're not the ones with nice names, so i'm gonna take the next best thing! the name of the person who portrays them.
Liesel (LEE-zel) - a german diminutive of elizabeth; taken from the novel, The Book Thief. it is set in germany, before and during WW2 with Liesel Meminger as the main character. there's just this certain strength you expect young children to have, especially those who live in times of war. i want my child to have that kind of strength.

other names i love:

for the boys

Cooper
Jasper
Caspian
Tristan
Finley

for the girls

Allison
Evangeline
Elsie
Iris

some names may not "ring" well with my surname, but i'll worry only when the time comes. i also used to say i would never want to have children because of Ronan, Jess and Daryl who make my life hell. we'll see if they still manage to irritate and frustrate me to the brink of no return. also, there's the issue of mutually agreeing on which name to give. by then, i wont be the only one deciding.

BAH, for that, i'll adopt.

no, really.

is there somebody who still believes in love?

i know you're out there.

mulberry.

2009-12-01T20:39:00.004+08:00

can you imagine how bored i am right now? twitch

i dont understand how i could look forward to the long holidays like this every year. two weeks ago, i was going crazy, wondering why the holidays couldnt arrive earlier. i was sick and tired of school. now it's the other way around. i HATE the holidays, because i dont have anything to do! stuck at home, in front of the computer? irregular sleep patterns, rollercoaster mood swings? yeaaaa, the perfect way to spend the holidays.

i hate wasting time like this.

but then, it's not like i'm in the mood to do anything else. i dont feel like reading a novel, i dont feel like baking, i dont feel like jogging; i just dont feel like it! i do wish that i had an xbox 360 though. i want to play GTA4, to release my pent-up anger and frustration by running people over or catapulting myself off a skyscraper in a boat. perfection... hee

ARGHHHH KILL ME

light blue.

2009-11-26T00:48:00.006+08:00

i honestly didnt think i had too bad a night, but i guess i was wrong.

i have just come back from the SAM prom night and i feel like shit. if i have to admit one thing, it's this: i was on the verge of tears as i drove back home alone.

as usual, i was the one who kept quiet and to myself in a corner as everyone else socialised, i was THE ONLY ONE with a perpetual frown on my face and i was the one who sat by the table as everyone went up and danced around. i dont want to make up any fucking excuses, but i just could not help it. i barely know anyone else there. so, why go? that's exactly the question i want to ask myself. i guess it was because yi ern invited me, saying she needed someone to accompany her. so i told myself, sure, i can do that. but then, who knew so much more was expected of me.

now, i'm not complaining or blaming anyone. i just need to VENT, or the oven will explode having to churn out cakes i'm going to bake every hour.

it didnt really hit me until we got to the lobby, but i was surrounded by strangers. the only person i honestly knew was yi ern. e-maine, who i had to pick up along with yi ern, was also a new acquaintance. other people i recognised were either too busy with their respective tasks or just people i was never really close to. so, besides both of them, i really had nobody to talk to.

it got really uncomfortable as more and more people arrived. yi ern and e-maine went off to talk to their friends, and i was left there alone with nothing to do. what i hate the most is when i am left standing there, looking lost, with nothing to do and having to pretend that i'm not all that by fiddling with my handphone or whatever i had in my hands. it's just a chore, you know? a fucking chore not to look vulnerable and lonely in a place where you know nobody and nobody knows you or the people who actually know you do not bother. i did initiate small talk with a friend or two, but that was all, lasting less than a minute each. after that, i was left with my bestest best friend again, my handphone.

when we were allowed into the function room, yi ern actually walked in without me. i guess i was just there to be the chauffeur and the pseudo-boyfriend who carries everything the girl is carrying; just imagine a guy carrying a silver clutch, a camera case, two wilted roses and BLA BLA BLA. i felt so goddamned stupid and pathetic. oh but no, the worse had yet to come.

when the buffet line was open, i didnt go straight for it. instead, i went to the washroom to get my retainer out. the line was long when i came back out, so i decided to go in and have a seat to wait for the crowd to dissipate. yi ern and her friends came in, and she asked me why i havent got anything to eat yet. i told her why but after 5 minutes, yi ern asked me to go get something to eat. i said the line was still long. she insisted and, when i did not budge, went blabbing to her friends about how i would go back home and complain to my mum about how i didnt get to eat anything and be a baby about it or some other bullshit. safe to say, i wasnt too pleased hearing her say that. i felt humiliated.

and guess what? i won a prize in the lucky draw. i didnt want to go up and told yi ern to get the prize in my place, but nope. so i went up and got it. the only thing? there was zero applause. the silence was deafening. you could hear a pin drop, even the faintest of farts. i was the outsider; everyone was puzzled. just who was this person? i sat back down with my face red from the embarrassment.

soon came the time for dancing. WOOOOO!!! NOT.

everyone got up to dance and mingle and camwhore etc. me, i just sat by the table, observing their antics. a few of yi ern's friends asked her to get me to dance too, but of course, i didnt want to. i looked silly just sitting there, but at least i had someone to accompany me through sms. sigh.

we left before the night officially ended. after dropping e-maine off, yi ern told me what people thought of me, what my impression was on them.

first, i was not what they expected. she said, they were like, i cant wait to meet gerald! they didnt expect me to be so anti-social. they were confused as to why i did not join in the festivities. they were disappointed.

second, i was once again seen as the arrogant, pigheaded, stubborn person.

third, she regretted inviting me. her mum even asked her if inviting me was a good idea since they know i do not exactly like parties or big events like these.

it's disheartening hearing all that, but what hurt the most was the third comment. i agreed that maybe it wasnt such a good idea having me there, but did i want to hear it for real? no.

i dont know what else to say. i'm just so sick and tired of all this twisted, untrue and unproven perceptions people have of me. i'm done with all that, and as much as i would like to amend all i've done or not done, as much as i would like them to know the real me, i dont think i could be bothered.

i'm too bruised and battered to care anymore.

just pull the trigger.

golden yellow.

2009-11-22T02:49:00.004+08:00

sometimes, when i get this small feeling of happiness and think of all the things that i did, could do and will do, this tiny speck of happiness just bursts into full-blown glee. i may not display this for everyone to see (like i ever, HAHA), but i swear, it's just bursting at the seams.

today was a great day, and i'm feeling inexplicably happy. just being happy itself already makes me happier - if that makes sense.

on this day, i woke up before twelve. by doing that, i've felt like i've not wasted a whole morning away in bed, and as insane and bizarre as this may sound, i'm convinced that i've opened a whole new world of possibilities, and it feels wonderful! it doesnt feel forced, not like dragging myself outta bed for school at dawn. this phenomenon may be partly because of the day's tuition i was going to attend, but i refuse to use that as a reason. imagine all i could do if i continued waking up before noon! bake a cake? sure! have breakfast whilst enjoying the cool morning breeze? absolutely! go for a jog with a friend or two? WHY NOT?! this is all so exciting, i'm on the verge of exploding into a song for pete's sake!

chemistry tuition was great. i did get lost finding the location though, and almost crashed into a motorcyclist on the way, but i arrived in one piece. after the initial apprehension and confusion, i quickly adjusted and started enjoying the lesson. you know why? BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS BEING TAUGHT. wow, just wow. is that not magnificent? the chapter was actually already covered in school earlier, but it felt like i've gained a new sense of clarity and insight.

after that, i went jogging - no wait, i went walking with joel at the botanical gardens. we walked and talked and laughed and told stories and shared experiences... which was fun, and a bit alarming and disturbing (OH you know what i'm referring to, joel).

dinner was delicious, and dessert was delightful! ais kacang always ALWAYS takes me to a happy, crazy place everytime. oh dont be scared; when i mean a happy, crazy place, what i really mean is the happy, crazy place in my mind. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

just now, i was watching the scream queen marathon on mtv. it's this show where 10 aspiring actresses compete for a role in the movie SAW VI. (VI is the roman numeral for 6, stupids) anyway, I LOVE THIS SHOW! it's hilarious and so entertaining! in their acting challenges, oh gawd, when some of them make fools of themselves, i just cant help but roll around on the couch in laughter. they sometimes come up with extremely creative, but at the same time, absurd ideas to up the ante. sometimes, it works. other times, it just cracks me up. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT THREE EPISODES, which sadly, is also the last three episodes of the marathon. watch it! next saturday, 11pm to 2am! (note: unfortunately, it's not so funny when all the bad, psycho actresses are eliminated and all we are left with are the ones who can really act. it is really interesting though to see how brilliantly these last few ones can execute)

wooooooooooo... i cant wait for tomorrow! watching the queen of food porn, nigella lawson, at 11am! how i just adore her and jamie oliver.

g'night!

carmine pink.

2009-11-20T20:54:00.003+08:00

i think i'm finally taking some steps to improve my grades and to be ready for my upper six next year. that's just how i envision things to be, and i hope they turn out how i want them to be. fingers crossed

first, i'll be taking chemistry tuition. two times a week, four (friggin') hours every time. this is for the holidays only though. i dunno how it'll change when school reopens. i have to admit that i'm a bit, well, uneasy/anxious/fearful/HORRIFIED about this. most probably because i havent had tuition for anything in a long time, and also because i have never attended any tuition lasting more than two hours before. poor ignorant me. the best thing is, it's located in a land far, far away. it's located just a bit further from the air itam market - and yes, that place is far to me.

now, for my most favourite subject everrrrr... MATH.

my friend offered to tutor me. yep, someone actually volunteered. library, here we come! bleh~

a rocky path lies ahead for me, and i'm worried i wont be able to conquer all that i need to conquer. good grades are ABSOfuckingLUTELY vital for me to be able to secure myself a scholarship. this is the real deal; winning this battle would already win me half the war. one more year, just one more year dammit...

but just for now, tgif!

crash,
crash,
out of control
lose yourself
go and even the score

magnolia.

2009-11-13T23:59:00.002+08:00

i feel so guilty... of what?

you'll never know.

before you think the obvious: nope, i did NOT kill the rottweilers at the back. they have not ceased their barking and howling though, so i haven't ruled out exterminating them just yet.

anyway, i am disgusted at myself! i tell myself that it is so wrong to continue thinking about what i could have done. instead, the more i berate myself, the more i regret not snatching the opportunity; no matter how immoral and disgraceful that missed opportunity was.

i'm sorry i cannot be specific, just know this:

i am filled with anguish and bitterness

for all the fucking WRONG reasons.

once again, i did not and was not going to murder anyone. nor did i run over that neighbour's cat.

i am not a murderer nor am i a cat squasher.

now that that's all out and done with, i am currently in the midst of my year-end exams.

today was only the first day, and it SUCKED. i could not finish the test, losing out on a possible 15 marks. not that i care, especially since the other parts of the test i managed to finish were already so FUCKED UP. so yes, i'm getting a zero. yay

next up, math! double yay

i'm getting a negative mark for this test here, if that's possible.

do you want the truth or something beautiful?

june bud.

2009-10-25T20:30:00.002+08:00

you and me could write a bad romance.

AHHHHHHHH~

my finals are just two weeks away, but what have i been doing this past week? nothing that pertains to studying. believe me, i have tried, though all i managed to achieve was perfect the art of falling asleep with a really heavy reference book on top of my chest - without dying. OHHH WHY DIDNT IT JUST CRUSH ME???

i am getting really really REALLY worried.

could i get something to deal with all this please?

ALCOHOL! i need alcohol!

viridian.

2009-10-16T20:53:00.006+08:00

it's so hard to save the world.

the dog has officially gone apeshit. these days, it tries to claw itself into the house, destroying the newly-set up mosquito netting in the process, to go hide in the bathroom. this normally happens at night. it'll find any way into the house. when it came scurrying into the house through the other entrance downstairs just now, i roared at it to get out. that's when one of its nails gouged a piece of skin off my big toe when i tried blocking its way up the stairs.

now i'm getting a little bit paranoid. who knows what kind of bacteria lurk under the dog's nails? what if my toe becomes infected? am i going to turn into a ZOMBIE?!

i so hate the dog.

i dont think i'll get a dog anymore. a cat maybe, but not a dog. i just dont think i could love one, partly since dogs do not know how to clean up after themselves. i'm the very hangat-hangat tahi ayam type of person too. i love the hell outta them when they're puppies, but when they grow up, i chuck them aside. i'm in it for the cuteness only. so yes, that is my decision tentatively. i dont want to end up feeling like shit for putting a future pet dog in such an unloving home.

wait... i really want a pug though.

red-violet.

2009-10-14T15:56:00.002+08:00

every now and then

i get a little bit angry and i know i've got to get out and cry

my brother and cousins are driving me insane! they just never listen! i have no idea what will happen when they finally make me lose it. i've warned them before, but do they even bother? nope. just picture this: in all your anger, they still laugh in your face and continue to do what you've just told them to stop doing.

i dont know about you, but i demand a little respect. never (NEVER!) in my life have i ever come across such disobedient arseholes (am i being redundant?), and when i actually do, they just had to be immediate family. they just had to be them.

i cannot even begin to imagine what i will do if my child(ren) ever turn out to be like them fuckers. i just cannot bear to think about it.

what do i have to do to finally make them listen, huh? whip out the rotan? threaten to feed them to the rottweilers at the back? cry like a little baby?

OH LORD

i swear i could kill myself.

people always say, be tolerant, patient, whatever shit moral values they can conjure up. dont be such a dipshit, okay? way easier said than done. why dont you come and try on my shoes for a day? you'd be the first one to strangle them, if not, then yourself.

as wrong as it is, sometimes, i just want to kick them.

persimmon.

2009-10-13T21:59:00.003+08:00

i had my braces taken off last thursday, and it felt really good.

then i got my retainer on sunday. i have to wear it for 3 months, day and night. after that, 18 months but at night only.

i'm not in any mood to put up any photos but just know that my teeth are near-perfect. they're just really yellow. teehee~ (and yes, i do brush my teeth three times a day)

the retainer takes time getting used to as evidenced by my inability to speak coherently.

oh btw? i now speak with a LISP.

i made new york cheesecake on sunday and it was really dense and creamy. i guess that's what you get when you use 1kg of cream cheese. it was quite delicious and turned out better than i had expected, seeing how it was my first time; and i bet one slice was enough to satisfy the most extreme cheesecake enthusiast. i brought a few slices to school today. yummy, they said. that made my day. now i can cross successfully make a cheesecake off my life's to-do list.

i'm currently writing a short story. it involves zombies. i know it's quite a typical and run-of-the-mill kind of survival story but please, humour me awhile. now i'm just trying to decide whether my characters should survive or die horrible bloody, gory deaths.

suddenly, i want ice-cream.

i have this certain nagging feeling at the back of my head, telling me i have so much to do. more specifically, telling me to study. thing is, i'm not doing anything of that sort, which obviously concerns me. sigh. i have to buck up and start taking this seriously. and i'm falling sick, which doesnt really help my situation. sneeze sniffle cough

good luck with all that.

steel blue.

2009-10-04T16:05:00.007+08:00

there was an earthquake earlier this week. it struck off the coast of south sumatra, and padang bore the full brunt of the tremor. so far, at least 1100 people have been confirmed to be dead and thousands more are feared to be missing, buried under the rubble of collapsed buildings.

the earthquake had a magnitude of 7.6 and it was even felt in high-rise buildings in malaysia, singapore and jakarta.

---------------------------------

you want to know what i'm seriously pissed at?

i've read a lot of this, or something of this sort, on facebook:

"omg, you felt the tremors? so jealous..."

more than a thousand people are dead. thousands more are missing. so many more have lost their homes, their loved ones and their hopes, their dreams, their everything... and all you can think about is how 'unfortunate' it was that you had to miss out on experiencing the tremors, feeling envious of your friends that actually did?

fuck you.

once again, FUCK YOU.

you think it's all fun and games, huh? it's like a joke to you. how about try being in their shoes for once. do you know how it feels to be constantly on the alert, the thought of another earthquake striking anytime, anywhere always lingering on the back of your mind? i do not, because i've never wanted to. but you? oh no... you actually want to.

of course, the truth is, you just dont know better. stuck in your naive little bubble, taking for granted how lucky all of us - compared to more disaster-prone countries - are to live in malaysia. you do not know how fucking frightening it is to feel the ground shake under your feet, to see terrified people fleeing their homes, to see buildings collapse, toppling like dominoes.

mindless, senseless people like you... just appall me. it's disgusting how shallow you are.

i hope you get the chance, the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity even, to find yourself in the middle of a disaster.

since the disaster cannot come to you, then why dont you go to it? here are some brilliant holiday-disaster destinations:

taiwan. the pacific typhoons it experiences are really crowd-pullers, with large waves, heavy rain and high winds. most storms occur from may to november, but can also happen all-year round. remember not to bring a rain coat or umbrella so as to fully savour the effects, and make sure to ignore evacuation plans.
california, usa and victoria, australia. california is notorious for its wildfires and victoria, for its bushfires. travellers are advised to bring along their own marshmallows for roasting because most residents would be too busy evacuating their homes to provide you with any. also, try to ignore their stares of disbelief as you admire the firestorms.
indonesia. this is the real deal, because it is an all-in-one holiday package. earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanic eruptions! oh my. best travelling period: unknown. it really depends on your luck if you want to experience the aforementioned disasters.

so, there you have it.

i hope you have a pleasant disaster-holiday, you sick fuckers.

---------------------------------

my heart goes out to all the victims and survivors of the sumatra earthquakes, of the devastated samoan islands, of typhoon-hit phillippines, vietnam, cambodia and laos, and lastly, of the sicilian floods and landslides.

mustard.

2009-10-02T23:53:00.003+08:00

i'm having that same feeling again.

i dont know how to describe it. just another case of the blues, i hope?

thinking about homework, exams, projects and how behind i am in my studies makes me sick to the stomach, and knowing how i wont be doing anything about it just kills me.

you know what i want to do? all i want to do is stay in bed.

for now, gone is the eagerness to get things done, be active and just be on the move.

life is like a cycle.

today: eat, shit, sleep.

tomorrow: eat, shit, sleep.

it's depressing.

well, it's not that bad. i'm just refusing to be on the brighter side today.

sigh... i dont want to wake up tomorrow.

amaranth.

2009-09-28T20:47:00.005+08:00

i do not condone animal cruelty, but sometimes, enough is enough because i felt like shooting a dog last night.

i barely got any shuteye (i'm certain i wasnt the only one) because some dumb rottweiler was howling the night away yesterday. it was the neighbour's, and this particular neighbour is situated just behind my house. so imagine the decibels. ironically, the family hasnt moved in yet. heck, even the renovations are far from complete.

there it goes again.

fuck.

i was awoken three goddamn times. first at 12am, then at 2am. i spent almost an hour tossing and turning and trashing in bed as the stupid mutt howled every 5 minutes. at 4am, i just gave up trying to sleep and went out to watch me some telly. i was especially pissed considering it was a sunday night, meaning, school the next day.

my mum said she would talk to the owner about it.

so she did. and you know what? that ~~person~~ fucker was just unbelievably inconsiderate.

he said he needed the dog to guard his property and his (unfinished) house. what the fuck are you talking about? what do you mean?! there isnt even anything inside yet! what is there to steal, huh? bricks? dust? cobwebs?

and imagine this, my mum said he even made his si lang bin.

GAWD, i was furious when my mum told me of his reaction.

i have one question for him.

have you no PR skills?

this does not bode well for him because, oooooh, wait til there's a fire and we gather around roasting marshmallows whilst watching their fugly house burn down. just who the fuck do you think you are? this is not your grandfather's neighbourhood, ok? in fact, you're like the "newcomer" here, as much as i hate to say that! there are other people - people, living organisms that actually eat, shit, sleep like you - living in the area, geddit? some of us are also students who have to wake up early for school, damn it! fuckin' arsehole! selfish bastard!

in the end, a compromise was reached. he said the main reason his dog was howling, was because it was lonely. so he'll pacify it by having the bitch stay with him.

i was like, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM?!

...ok, listen buddy, if your fuckingly brilliant plan fails and the howling continues, your dog days are over. OVER!

[UPDATE at 21:38]

it's barking. i'm guessing the howling will soon follow.

pumps shotgun

too bad.

ultra pink.

2009-09-26T23:52:00.003+08:00

for reasons unknown - actually, for reasons i choose not to disclose, i'm feeling rather resentful. a bit bitter, as well.

oh well, nothing like a guilty pleasure to cheer me up.

yeaaaah...

it's a party in the usa...

dont you laugh at me, because i find it really catchy. oh miley... LOL

btw? i killed a cockroach; unconsciously yelling "DIE! DIE! DIE!" whilst i smashed it to bits with a rolled-up bunch of newspaper, much to my mother's shock and dismay.

naturally, it felt very satisfying, seeing how much time my brother and i spent trying to catch and release it out into the wild. the fucking wild, i tell you! i wasnt too keen on sparing it, but my brother just couldnt kill it. so there we were, running up, climbing down, rummaging through clothes, trying to find the little fucker... then i screamed (in pure horror) as it flew into my face and bounced onto my arm momentarily. i have a serious phobia of insects, you see. so please, dont judge me, yea?

so yes, that was the main reason i wanted it dead asap: so it didnt have to fly into my face and make me scream like a little girl.

emerald.

2009-09-23T23:05:00.002+08:00

i'm not crazy

i'm just a little unwell

-------------------------------

you know what i feel like doing?

i feel like becoming a vegan.

(please laugh?) LOL

well, not exactly.

first off, i'm too lazy.

second, all the "oh-my-god-, uhhhh- and ahhhhhh-inducing" foods of the world; i just cannot imagine a life without them. (yep, those were moans and groans of pure ecstasy)

lastly, i'm lazy. (whoops, did i repeat that already?)

this sudden (and temporary) impulse to convert to veganism overcame me when i was reading this book, "skinny bastard" by rory freedman and kim barnouin - which i finished in two hours in the bookstore itself; saved me rm65 doing that. anyway, the UGLY truth regarding the food and agricultural industry made me sick to the stomach. ignorance really was bliss, because now i can never look at meat and dairy products the same way ever again. the ethical issues of consuming meat and animal products, the mistreatment of animals... was tragically enlightening.

i was especially disgusted by how animals were treated prior to being slaughtered. i was literally gagging when i read the book. of course, those facts were based on what was going on in the USA. i have seriously no clue as to what the practices are like over here.

still, i can go no further. if you want to know more, go here.

so yea, lots and lots of respect to all the vegetarians and vegans out there. it's tough being one, in my opinion. by the way, for those who think vegetarianism and veganism are for sissies and hippies, go fuck yourself.

veganism might not be an option now, but i'm not ruling it out in the future.

for now, i think i might just consume less meat and drink soya milk instead of cow's milk.

-------------------------------

once again, i'm not crazy.

maya blue.

2009-09-22T22:54:00.001+08:00

something strange is happening.

i am beginning to obsess about my eating habits; what i eat, when i eat, how i eat. i've never EVER given any second thoughts when eating, binging or attacking the buffet line up til this point.

can someone please tell me what the ~~hell~~ fuck's going on here?

wait, before you shout "...but you're a fucking stickman!", i must clarify that when i say i worry, all i do is worry. i do not cut down on meals, i still binge and devour an entire bar of chocolate in one go; i even had a bowl of ice kacang and cendol each this afternoon (YES I AM A GLUTTON SORRY). so that's a good thing, right? NO DUH.

right now, all i can think about are the miles i have to run to burn off these calories... but with the advantage of a fast and efficient metabolism, i think i needn't worry to much.

on second thought, i'd rather not take that for granted.

so much for self-comfort.

they tried to make me go to rehab

i said no, no, no

DOUCHEBAG.

2009-09-14T22:22:00.000+08:00

carrot orange.

2009-09-11T20:59:00.003+08:00

nothing much has happened this past week... although i have started driving my mini cooper around and to school. one thing i am very proud and happy about is the number of ooohs and ahhhhhs the car gets when in school.

but as lovely as it is, it's stressful driving. my incompetence in driving manually has resulted in the engine dying a few times, fortunately not on busy roads though and MOST fortunately not in front of anybody from school. there's also the constant fear of having my car being shitted on by flying organisms or being hit by a handball thrown by idiot students... and the road bumps! what a pain in the arse! if i drive too fast on a high bump, the bottom gets mauled. drive too slow (and being the amateur i am), the car might shudder violently and the engine, proceed to die.

i have to get to school tomorrow for some tug-of-war interclass competition. gawd, it's going to be crazy. the rope will probably rip the skin on my hands to shreds. (i know guys arent supposed to mind this sort of stuff. do i give a fuck tho'? NOPE.) my class has 10 girls and 10 boys, and being one of the taller ones - actually the tallest in class - i obviously had to have my name on the list, dont i? do they not know taller does not necessarily mean stronger? of course, i'm just saying. i dont even know the measure of my own strength, so... blah. fuck it, why not?

ohyea, my grades for the recent test were just... painful, excruciating MURDER! my maths was no surprise though i still wish i could have made the passing mark. the worst of all - YES. even worse than my maths - was my biology. how shocking, how disappointing. (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY???)

i'm gonna have to buck up.

seriously!

... but first, some hilarity.

HAHAHAHAHA.

sunglow.

2009-09-07T14:52:00.001+08:00

my classmates and i went bug-catching yesterday. things, for the most part of it, did not turn out the way they were supposed to.

nope, it didnt rain.

we were attacked, attacked by a huge army of mosquitoes.

all of us first congregated at mcdonald's.

we then proceeded to drive ourselves - 4 cars, 13 people - over to balik pulau where we met up with benedict. we had lunch and then followed benedict to his house.

benedict took us up to his family's fruit orchard to catch them bugs. let me say something first though: we did not expect how hard and gruelling this would be.

first off, the climb up was treacherous.

it was slippery. it was steep. there were carnivourous plants.

second, it was supercalifragilisticexpialidociously - yes, it was so bad i require adverb help from mary poppins - humid and hot.

we were sweating like pigs.

thirdly, the mosquitoes.

oh gawd, they were having a bloody blood-sucking frenzy. the moment you stop moving, they'll be on to you. insect repellent did not work, even flamethrowers had no effect. the only way to repel them was to not stop moving, or in other words, dance like a maniac. i, myself, did the chicken dance.

woooaaaaahh...

with such distractions, i didnt manage to capture a single insect. oh well, at least i was only bitten 3 times. switching had 11 bites. i think siew kek broke the record for the most mosquito bites i've even seen on someone; she amassed a total of 45 on her arms and legs.

once we reached the top, we went back down immediately. well, most of us. i was soaked in my own sweat, and i hate that i did not bring an extra t-shirt to change into. shudders

i would have gone back then, but i was forced to linger there for another hour and a half. some were still up there, looking for insects. two people i had to fetch home went on to another part of the orchard to catch more bugs.

so we waited, waited and waited.

we chatted, pretended to be hitchhikers, counted our mosquito bites, laughed like maniacs... simply, we went bananas.

it was already 4.30pm when i finally got to go home.

i was so tired. nonetheless, i was to met up with switching for dinner and cocktails at queensbay.

cocktails, you say?

yep, cocktails at tgif. i almost crashed. i began to blush 20 minutes in, my heart rate went up. but that was as far as it got, which was great. pheeeeew, i didnt feel uncomfortable.

switching said her cheeks burnt though.

turquoise.

2009-09-04T06:39:00.004+08:00

OH DEAR LORD.

her eyes, how bewitching.

and that slight cock in her eyebrow... whoooooo!

i'm telling you, i'd definitely fumble too.

-------

on merdeka day, instead of doing anything of patriotic significance, joel and i went over to baskin robbins. it was the 31st, so there was a 31% discount on everything.

we went to the pulau tikus branch, and let me tell you, it was like a can of sardines in there, much to joel's surprise. here's a fact: when there's anything free, anything on sale, any promotion, you can count on us malaysians being there. no shit, i'm not kidding you.

it was hot, stuffy and crowded, many flavours were running out, but the worst thing was they had no more pint-sized ice-cream takeaway thingys. like, fuck me! are they for real? i had no choice but to purchase one quart of cookie dough ice-cream because i already promised my little brother i would get him some. the initial plan was to sit down and have a nice chat whilst devouring some ice-cream cones. we aborted and went over to the nearby coffee bean branch. now, i know i kinda swore not to go over there ever again, but i had no choice. there was no starbucks in sight and we just wanted a drink or two, the non-alcoholic kind!

i didnt bump into anybody i've worked with before, so thank god. i hate doing all these, you know, follow-up kinda things. what i'm saying is, they're not exactly friends but it's just the fact that i've worked with them before. you bump into them, and there's the awkward conversation and all, which i find really silly.

sigh.

i had their latest promotion drink, and god, it tasted AWFUL. waste of my fucking money; i should have went for the iced hazelnut latte. joel had the hazelnut ice blended, of which the cashiers exploited to earn some extra cash for the company. they tricked him into paying an additional rm3 for two pumps of chocolate fudge, blended into his beverage. i mean, one would have been tolerable, but two? he didnt even know what they were charging him for. i, too, thought it was only one pump, but NOOOOO. that's one aspect i've always disliked about their sales strategy, 'tricking' customers into paying extra without informing them beforehand. i foresee a boycott... even though i've been yearning for their cheesecake. bleh

there was free wi-fi, so after a few comments on his facebook status and a little conversation (HAHAHA) with seumas, we said our goodbyes and made our way home.

yesterday was a surprise holiday given to us by the school (chung ling students only, sorry). hahaha, so in end, it's almost like an extra week of holidays for me because i skipped school this tuesday. i overslept, you see; so did my brothers and father. my brothers made it to school though, which was possible for them since their schools were only, at most, five minutes away.

anyhoo, i went for a movie with switching yesterday. a fellow horror fan, we were actually planning to watch orphan and the final destination back-to-back. unfortunately, they've stopped showing the former for no apparent reason.

i waited 2 hours for switching to arrive. to pass the time, i read lat cartoons in mph.

they had me guffawing.

aaaah, lat is truly a great cartoonist.

the movie? thumbs down, this time round.

it was horrible! the acting was inferior, some scenes were just pure nonsense, and the movie was supposed to be all thriller/horror with the occasional comic relief, right? GAWD NO. i'm not sure if the humour was intended or not, but it was just over-the-top! the suspense and morbid anticipation were just momentary, temporary aspects felt during the film. stupid, aint it? luckily the tickets were at student price, because it would not have been worth paying rm10. oh, they also repeated the ways of how some people died! seriously? unoriginal.

after the film, we headed to starbucks. switching said the blueberry cheesecake there isnt half bad, so i tried it, and it was quite delicious and all, but i think the same thing over at coffee bean tastes a wee bit better. we had a nice chat and a few good laughs until she had to leave for the hospital to visit her grandma.

it wasnt that bad a day.

chestnut.

2009-09-03T20:50:00.005+08:00

oh me oh my. an anonymous person who reads my blog is getting impatient.

my apologies, your royal highness.

well, my classmates and i celebrated siew kek's birthday at tgi friday's last saturday. it was fun, although switching and i did get into a little argument in the beginning. bwahaha~ but seriously, she got so fucking angry sehingga saya juga terkejut. AND SHE MADE ME CRY!

... yeeeeaaaa right, i hope you shit yourself falling for that.

we were being evil.

anyway, siew kek said she really appreciated the birthday dinner because nobody really celebrated with her and for her like we did. so yea, she got emotional during the cake-cutting ceremony. well, that's what switching said la because i did not notice anything. what i did notice was how nervous and sweaty she got when the staff told her she had to give a thank you speech and sing a song (no nursery rhymes, no kiddy songs, no ABC) in front of everybody before they would light the candles. we suggested our version of BEP's my humps, char kaoy teow mai ham, to her, but she didnt take it. LOL

the bill came up to rm560+ for 15 persons. we paid roughly the same amount at feringgi grill for 3 (refer to previous entry). whoopsies!

ohyea, that same morning, joel and i went for a jog at the botanical gardens with beatrice, who had just returned to penang, albeit for one day only. joel told us about his ghostly encounter in adelaide when he travelled to aussieland a few months ago. it was definitely a hair-rasing tale, and hearing of the mischievousness of the ghost, i'd say it was poltergiest. still very cool though, because i wish i could say i've been through such a thing (but please, i dont wanna die) just for the sake of experiencing it. i'm crazy, i know, but BAH, we only live once.

which reminds me, i've bungee jumped before. have you? ;p

the post-jump high, way back in 2007 in lovely south africa.

and is it just me, or do i look more 'chinese' in this photo?

after our little jogging session, we went to pulau tikus for breakfast, beatrice's treat! just because she was back in penang. if that's the case, i'm certainly looking forward to the next time she'll be arriving back here! very funny, gerald. joel then asked if they could come over to my house, so we did exactly that. once home, i proceeded to take the covers off me wonderful little mini cooper to show them just exactly how beautiful she is (btw, i'm taking you up on that velvet dice offer, jocelyn).

then just like a car salesperson, i took them for a test ride. HAHAHA

after various attempts at awaking the engine and minutes of warming her up, we were off. after a couple of rounds, joel said it was his turn. i reluctantly gave my car up, all for good reason as you'll read later on.

summary:

engin mati three times if i'm not mistaken. it didnt on my turn. hahaha
he drove through a huge puddle of water. it wouldnt have been a problem if he drove slowly, but did he? NOPE. suddenly all my hard work washing and polishing the car seemed all in vain.
when he went over a huge bump, he didnt slow down completely. so we literally flew through the air (well, that's what it felt like), complete with colourful pyrotechnics in the background, and crash landed a millisecond later.

after that episode, you should be able to tell that i forbade him from ever touching my car again.

i'm joking, but: joel? PLEASE BE MORE CAUTIOUS NEXT TIME?

no hard feelings.

although... i do look like shit here.

canary.

2009-08-26T22:25:00.006+08:00

well, work turned out kinda horrible. i had the notion that office work was not for me when i started to feel nauseous and dizzy just right before the lunch break. that was, what? the 3rd hour in front of the computer, compiling information and putting it into a table? you weakling! 3 hours in front of the computer at home watching funny videos, e.g. of women falling and of scary pranks... did you feel nauseous and dizzy then? egad! but seriously, i didnt enjoy it. i just felt so... so incredibly susah the whole time, and at 3 plus, i even found myself nodding off to wonderland.

tsk.

after work, i rushed home to get ready for dinner. we were having dinner at feringgi grill! a bit too extravagant, is it not? a once-in-a-blue-moon treat, if you will. the girl, /ahem/ i mean, the lady accompanying joel and i was none other than... switching*.

*name changed for the fun of it. BWAHAHA. same pronunciation, just different spelling laaa...

dinner wasnt half-bad. only half-good. why?

switching AKA ms. party pooper (LOL) here had to rush off to catch a movie at 9.50pm.
i started feeling horrible (head-throbbing, heart-racing madness) after a glass of white wine. yes, after just ONE glass.

i thought my alcohol tolerance would have increased by now, after countless times of similar drinking episodes. SIGH. i still turned a horrible beetroot red though, and red dont look good on me. please remind me never to touch alcohol again, even though we all know i wont listen.

reached home at around 11 and i was still suffering. i really really didnt want to shower so i could sleep right away, but the sobre side of me still pushed myself into the bathroom right after a pop of painkillers. when i woke up, i still had that horrible migraine. can you imagine that? so i skipped work and slept til 2pm. hahaha

so here i am, hoping work wont be as torturous tomorrow.

bright green.

2009-08-24T22:42:00.000+08:00

i am so tired today.

i woke up at 6.30am today, just to watch dearest sharapova battle it out in her first tournament final since her comeback... WHICH SHE DIDNT WIN. silly... i guess waking up early was not worth it after all because i was so certain she would have won.

at noon, family and i went over to queensbay. i did nothing there - brothers went rollerblading, which i thought was a humongous waste of precious cash since they only rollerbladed for an hour. idiot freaks! - except gawk at exorbitant book prices. you cannot get a decent book for under rm30 over there. (this is the part where i say i bought 3 books even though the prices were ridiculous.)

......

well, i didnt say anything. so i didnt get anything!

gimme a capital L for Lame.

we went home only at 5. i decided to wash and polish my wondrous mini cooper because i wouldnt have any more free time this week and also since my roadtax sticker would arrive over the next few days. i have to admit, as much as i love my car, i did NOT love cleaning it. here was i did: rinse, lather, rinse, dry, polish, clean the interior, air out the floor mats and hang a little tree-shaped scent thingy over the rearview mirror. i only managed to finish at around 8, and even then it was because i had help from my dad polishing here and there... but i'm sure i took so long because nobody is as OCD-ed as me. i felt a great sense of achievement though. anyway, wooo... cant wait to drive it round, although i wonder if i'll make it to the petrol station because the pointer is well past EMPTY already. oh well!

come on, vogue

let your body move to the music

plum.

2009-08-21T22:12:00.006+08:00

the exams are finally over. i'm sure i will be sorely disappointed with myself when the results are released come 2 september... although right now, i'm just going to enjoy the holidays.

oh wait.

i'll be working the whole week next week. nope, i am NOT going back to coffee bean (that place is hell and hayati is you-know-who). i will be working on an e-catalog for a friend of my mum's. as of now, i dont exactly know what i have to. i have these kata-kata kunci though: pdf files and compiling information... and rm4.50 an hour! that only means one thing.

SHOPPING!!!

mmm... 4.50 x 8 x 5 = rm180. of course, that is just a very rough estimate - never count yer chickens before they hatch. ohwell. maybe i can get a few nice tees. i seem to always run outta t-shirts to wear. i am eye-ing that uber-cool belt from espirit though. yeesh...

i went out with joel last night. i think i made a huge fashion faux pas by having my shirt the same pink/purple hue as my shoes laces. sigh. style evades me sometimes, well, not sometimes... ALL THE TIME. i felt so super self-conscious the whole time. we watched g.i. joe and then had dinner at chilli's. we talked and laughed a lot, esp when he thought we were talking about this girl while i thought we were talking about that girl. let me tell you, when realisation hit, we were staring so so so blankly at each other; the laughing quickly followed.

today, after the exams, a few of my classmates and i were planning to take a path up from moon gate to penang hill, catching, collecting and preserving insects on the way. sounded fun, until raindrops started falling on our heads. we were at mcdonald's when the rain started. we all then swiftly decided to change the venue because in the end, we all knew that we werent exactly in the mood for so much work after three days of horrible tests. so... ta-dah! we were going to queensbay mall to catch us some insects, though catching insects there meant watching a movie and loitering around. harhar... as usual, i dont expect much from animated movies but up was so good. it blew me away. i'd totally recommend it if you arent some cold-blooded, bloodthirsty, merciless serial squirrel killer.

getting there, i was their chauffeur, their insane-OMGSLOWDOWN-speed-demon-for-a-chauffer chauffer, as usual. i always am. i dont really mind though if we're all friends, they just have to pay for the parking ticket and sometimes some things i deem necessary. heehee~

btw, the bug-killing excursion will now be on sunday, if the weather permits.

also really looking forward to the birthday dinner next saturday. :)

all the things she does

make it seem like love

if it's just a game

then i like the way that we play

delft.

2009-08-10T21:28:00.008+08:00

i know i should be studying, BUT i'm not.

i watched moulin rouge! yesterday and i la-la-loved it. it has got to be the most brilliant and most romantic movie ever! how could i have not watched it earlier?! i'm glad that i watched it later than earlier though, as i feel i wouldnt have appreciated and adored the film as much at a younger age. i mean, who knows?

flowers bloom in the background and petals rain down from the sky

yeeesh! it just frustrates me so much that such scenarios are almost impossible these days. and for those whose love is like christian and satine's (let's just hope nobody dies of tuberculosis this time), let me just say, I AM JEALOUS. expressing your utmost love for someone by writing songs for him/her, and then all of a sudden breaking into a song when times are rough, etc etc... oh wow. i can think of nothing, NOTHING more romantic than that. moulin rouge! is of course a musical... nonetheless, still very romantic.

ahhh...

's wonderful.

i pondered a lot about my future in school this morning. the more i thought about it, the more scared and worried i became. watching movies like moulin rouge! just gives me a false perception of reality... i want the kind of stuff always portrayed in the movies - excluding parts where good people die, teehee. my main concern is: i know i will love, i just fear i will not be loved in return. i dont want to end up all alone... no.

sigh

"love is, like oxygen."

and stupid boys like girls. i am the total opposite of being love drunk!

it's a horrid song, btw.

can't fall in love? but a life without love, that-that-that's terrible!

beaver grey.

2009-08-01T11:21:00.008+08:00

i am sitting here, mouth foaming, teeth clenched and hands in a death grip...

nope, i'm not having a seizure.

... BECAUSE MARIA SHARAPOVA IS LOSING HER TENNIS MATCH AGAINST VENUS WILLIAMS.

6-2, 4-2, 40-30.

OH MY GAAAAAAAWD!

jumps up and down in a frenzy

now it's 6-2, 5-2.

WHY?!

things are only getting worse and worse! first off, i dont get to watch it on tv because eurosports is not showing it. now, NOW, this is happening?!

match point for venus now.

okay okay okay, DEUCE.

egad.

it's over.

i minimise the browser for one second, and then it's over.

i am trying my very best not to smash my head against the wall now.

sometimes, i wonder why i even bother anymore.

maybe i'm just impatient.

anyway, the main point is, there goes my weekend, the weekend that was supposed to be fantastic.

toot toooooot toooot toot

my mouth is a very potty mouth right now.

you all just cant hear it.

this is NOT doing anything to help my cravings.

mumble curse mumble

----------------------------

for corazon.

pale taupe.

2009-07-30T19:19:00.004+08:00

i am exhausted, and annoyed. not a good combo. combo? COMBO?! now i want a popcorn combo. *unhappy face*

anyhoo, i had just finished my dinner and went on to see what was on tv. turns out that the repeat of the csi finale starts at 7. i was so glad because that meant i didnt have to catch it on sunday, THREE days away (i'm not good at waiting). i missed it yesterday because i went to sleep at 7... WHAT?! I WAS DRAINED! as it started, guess who came over? oh come on, you know who. no idea? my freakin' arse of a brother, DUH.

"my cantonese drama is starting already."

"so?"

"it's starting already la."

"SO???"

"i want to watch it."

flips out

so now here i am, sulking, and blasting fuck you by lily allen loudly so he cant enjoy his cantonese drama. TEEiknowiamchildishHEE.

speaking of cantonese... lei yao mou gao chor?

i've been learning a few phrases from my friends. i thought it would be great, but only hilarity ensued. my favourite has to be sao seng, meaning shut up. the thing is, i just cannot get the intonation correct. in fact, i suck at the intonation of every phrase taught to me. they say i speak like an american trying to speak mandarin, which sadly only serves to reinforce the notion that people might view me as a banana. so whenever i say something in cantonese, people laugh at me, a lot. it's all in good fun though. :p

on a last note, here's something wonderful to listen to.

you have to admit that he sings very very well. i could listen it all day because it sounds way better then the original.

we are not what you think we are.

we are golden.

orange peel.

2009-07-29T17:41:00.004+08:00

if my cravings go unsatisfied any further, i think i might kill someone.

i am yearning for fresh caesar salad, lovely cheddar cheese risotto and dense, chocolate-y brownies topped with crème fraîche and toasted hazelnuts.

oh my god.

i could prepare such food myself, but i need THE INGREDIENTS. although i do have everything i need to bake some brownies... i am just too tired to do so. besides, i want them right away. i dont want to have to lug over the stove melting the chocolate and butter, sweat my life away mixing everything together and wait another 30 minutes more in front of the oven for brownies! in fact, i dont want to be anywhere the damn kitchen! when i want them, i want them NOW!

bloody fuck. why is this happening to me?!

i want food.

FOOOOOOOOOOOD!

jungle green.

2009-07-28T17:31:00.001+08:00

i know i shouldnt be wasting so much time on this, BUT a certain petrol station attendant has me fuming.

he did his si lang bin when i asked for help, even after i smiled in appreciation.

nothing else - well, except rabid siblings, math homework and idiot-as-fuck drivers who dont utilise their indicators - frustrates me more than imbecilic morons like this.

fuckin' retard, FUCK YOU.

that was yesterday. now i'm busy designing the poster for the sixth form library. a waste if you ask me, A BIG FAT WASTE because today's such a cool, rainy day and i'm spending it in front of a glaring computer screen.

it's fun though, when you have beyonce doing a posh london accent.

bloody wicked!

HAHAHA. i cant help but laugh too when she laughs the way she did.

default.

2009-07-25T17:56:00.000+08:00

scarlet.

2009-07-22T19:38:00.004+08:00

it PAINS me so much everytime i hear the bottom, probably the exhaust pipe, of my austin mini scrape the road. it happens each time it goes over a bump too big. dang, this really touches a nerve.

the only way to solve this oh-so-HORRIBLE problem is to jack it up. the wheels are going to be further apart from the body of the car. in other words, U-G-L-Y. i'm okay when some things dont go my way, but i hate it when things like this dont go my way.

my mum and i took it for a run just now. the car arrived on monday, earlier than i thought, much to my delight. it's still without its road tax sticker though, so all i can do is take it around the neighbourbood. i need to practice driving it anyway.

so yea... about just now, my mum had no problem driving it. me, on the other hand, ahem, how should i say this... ALMOST SLAUGHTERED THE GEARBOX. i do not like not being in my comfort zone, and in this case, driving a manual car. stepping on the clutch and changing the gears are my worst enemy. i have no idea if it's just something to do with the mind, but i honestly fear driving manually. when the whole car throttles and rattles, and the engine proceeds to go kaput!, IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY ROAD FOR GOD'S SAKE, i panic and forget how to breathe.

my mum is an expert, 'nuff said. i seriously havent a clue how she does all this so effortlessly. i think it all boils down to experience... and the ability to multitask in crazy situations. HA. i have a hard time thinking of what to do when faced with a bump on the road, a violently seizing metal box, and having to change to the god-knows-which gear, ALL AT ONCE. i also dont know when to release, or not to relaese, the clutch when ac/decelerating. sigh. the sounds the car emits also worry me. i'm not sure how to tell which ones are normal from the ones which mean it's about to explode. i do know the sound of the gearbox dying though... trust me.

never mind! i will practice every moment i can without fail. well, once they jack it up, of course. i dont want to hear the damn metal-against-asphalt screech ever again! GAH

squarepants yellow.

2009-07-17T16:33:00.004+08:00

i cant wait to watch the spongebob squarepants episode marathon later!!! yays

i remember me and my brothers, having been avid fans of the buck-toothed sea creature, reciting the complete script of the episode 'graveyard shift' during those long drives when we were travelling in new zealand back in 2003. it would drive our parents crazy, but it was so schuper-duper fun!

over time, the fanatism faded...

... until today. well, i'm exactly crazy about it, but i'm curious to see what spongebob has to offer this time round, especially on his tenth anniversary.

i hope you're ready, kids!

orchid.

2009-07-16T23:07:00.011+08:00

liar liar liar liar liar,

pants on fire.

the non-existent eye contact.

the furtive glances.

the nonsensical, self-contradicting answers.

the stammers and stutters.

i hate it when people lie straight to my face. if you're thinking of doing just that, at least learn how to lie properly first, without giving yourself away because generally, things get really ugly when i find out. dont take me for some daft, gullible, bumbling idiot. the signs were so obvious i would have been legally blind - or blonde, your choice - not to have seen them! i feel terribly, horribly insulted when you insinuate that i am incapable of noticing a person's lying ways.

some people just dont know how to lie.

it's laughable because they still lie knowing they suck at it.

again, i went down for a cup of water before bedtime. i was annoyed to find that grandma's room light was switched on when she not even inside; she was in the living room watching tv. i dont like electricity going to waste. oh wait - i dont like anything going to waste for that matter. i didnt bother though, because my fear of finding some evil, grotesque monster/ghost in the middle of the night inside overrode my impulse to open the door and turn it off. too many ghost stories being shared in school LOL

as i was going up the stairs, the door suddenly opens and my brother's head pops out. i was surprised. then i became suspicious.

"just what the hell are you doing?!"

he rolls his eyes and says, "i'm on the phone..." in a tone implying it was so obvious he was.

i bump into him again a few minutes later upstairs. funny... because it's like i caught him red-handed doing something he wasnt supposed to do and he rushes to finish and clean up the crime scene.

"just how long were you on the phone?"

"urm, 30 minutes."

now, 30 minutes? 30 MINUTES? i saw him taking the phone at around 10 something. it was already 12am then. fyi, i was just curious and would have let it go had he not lied to my face. since he lied... well, you know i dont like liars.

"are you sure? you do know it's 12am already, right?"

"yea. so?"

"SO? didnt i see you take the phone at 10.30pm?"

"yea... so?"

"SO IT MEANS YOU'VE BEEN ON THE PHONE FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF."

there was minimal eye contact and a few hand gestures. his answers were slow, like he needed time to think. by now, i was already highly suspicious of him. why the fuck would he be lying?

"who were you talking to?"

"emmanuel," he says.

"about?"

"my computer project... software and stuff." he wasnt even looking at me. in fact, he had his back to me and was already going into the bathroom.

i mutter under my breathe and decide to study biology for awhile. but, was it over yet? NOPE. he even wished me a good night, which was odd. how incredulous! being extra nice, in hopes that i would brush aside all that was said and done? yea right.

trust me, i know of such strategies and tactics because...? i've been there and done that. yes, i've lied, but i dont give away immediately discernible signs. you wouldnt even know i was lying. BWAHAHA... ahem, but i lie only when the need arises. in 'emergencies', if that's any consolation.

i still want to know the reason he was lying. exactly what monstrous secret was he trying to hide?

maybe i was being paranoid.

maybe he was really lying.

maybe this is unnecessary.

i have this huge desire to watch harry potter & the half-blood prince.

i didnt know i would react like this, but it's just dawned on me that it is now finally showing in cinemas!

bright cerulean.

2009-07-15T21:04:00.001+08:00

i have had enough of shouting. grandma ALWAYS mistaking me for my brother, also. it's just a tad irritating, if you get what i mean. quite insulting too, i guess.

just last night, as i went down for a cup of water at midnight right before bedtime, she sees me and expresses her, let me emphasise here, utmost shock after realising i might not have had dinner. imagine me standing there under the harsh fluorescent light with a steel mug in my hand and MORE IMPORTANTLY, my mouth agape. maybe this is a result of me always - well, not always - having afternoon naps lasting 6 hours - once again, not all the time - but come on, i swear she saw me having dinner. i tell her i have had my dinner, only then does she recall seeing me at dinner time. SIGH.

oh sweetheart, put the bottle down

oh shit, i'm still having that headache i got as a result of swishing my head around too fast in school. my classmates laughed at me because my fringe swished around too, much like in those shampoo ads. creepy, i know.

i'm thinking of becoming a doctor and joining Médecins Sans Frontières. it'll be difficult though, very difficult. i'd need a scholarship for university, which means i need four freaking As in my stpm, which is frankly kinda impossible. i want it so badly though. i want to help people so badly. i know i can help in other ways, and not just by being a doctor, but... it's complicated. and i dont want to be stuck in an office typing documents or giving presentations! i dont give a shit for that! i want to be in the field, where all the 'action' is.

my mum says i dont look like the type who'd go all out to do these kind of these things. i guess i surprise people... and i like that.

pale silver.

2009-07-13T16:16:00.005+08:00

this day, monday, was supposed to be a happy day.

it all turned really ugly 15 minutes ago.

i was helping my mum bake a cake. halfway through creaming the butter and sugar, i see streaks of shiny gray in the mixture. it was grease from parts of the electric mixer.

it was like someone had just flung a bucket of ice cold water at my head - along with the bucket, of course.

500 grammes of butter and 450 grammes of sugar is A LOT, and all that has gone to waste. and what i cant stand more than anything is good stuff going to waste. the only worse part was probably the fact that we had just sent the GODDAMNED electric mixer for repairs last week. mark my words, i am never trusting kenwood ever again.

anyway, i just lost it then and there; there goes the mood to bake. so, here i am blogging.

GAWD,
I JUST FEEL LIKE STRANGLING A CAT.

it may seem silly to you, getting so worked up over this so-called little issue, but guess what? i'm not you.
it's "my loss, nobody's gain" in this case. so shut that ANNOYING piehole and stick it between your buttcrack, jackass!

...and if you're wondering, YES, i'm telling you to lick your fat arse, moron.

dark champagne.

2009-07-12T23:11:00.000+08:00

my cousin, sara, is here. and when sara is here, only one thing - besides the late night horror movie scream sessions - is for certain.

CUPCAKES!

banana chocolate this time.

btw, i screamed.
A LOT.
just cant help it!

brink pink.

2009-07-09T18:01:00.002+08:00

i'm getting down with the young drunk lovers
i'm getting down with the one way pack
i'm getting down with the city and the pity of it
i'm getting down with it

joel locked himself out of his car today - with the keys inside, obviously - which proved way hilarious. he spent some time roaming around school, trying to think of a way to get himself out of the said predicament. he then realised that i was still in school.

*runs over ~~a few first formers~~ to the sixth form library*

"Hi..." he says. "Hello," i reply, surprised at him for still being in school. surprise turned into suspicion when he did the face. awww you know, the kind of expression when you accidentally crash into your friend's car and are just about to tell him about it? welllll, that's just my own interpretation because naturally, i suspect the worst.

he looks at me, i look at him. how endearing.
"Did you crash into my car?" i asked as matter-of-factly as i could.
"... ..."
"What?!"
"... yes, i crashed into your car."
my eyes dont exactly pop out, but were on the brink of doing so
and then he laughs. "Actually, my keys are locked in my car."
"So?"
"I need to borrow your car."

so i handed him my keys - YOU OWE ME KRISPY KREMES - and sent him on his way.

yes, i am a librarian. isnt that just exciting? *squeals*

green-yellow.

2009-07-08T21:59:00.004+08:00

baked japanese cheesecake again today due to popular demand. i like how it looks in the photo. may be a tad burnt but the ridges formed after it collapsed on itself were beautiful. reminds me of a breed of dog actually.

... a shar pei.
my cake looks like a dog!
or does the dog look like my cake? :/

now, about my little run-in with the prefects yesterday...

i'm late to school almost everyday, even with me driving like a maniac trying my best to overtake fellow drivers - who by the way drive like fucking four-year-olds in a kiddy cart. that wasnt the case on tuesday. simply, dad fetched me to school yesterday. i was late because there were another two brothers to drop off.

normally, being late isnt a problem. it is though, when there is the morning assembly. i arrived and noticed that all the classes were shut, much to my dismay. everyone was in the school hall.

i met a fellow schoolmate who was late too. in the end, he saved my arse when he spotted two prefects in the hallway. they didnt see me yet as i was in the stairwell, so i took off...

...and barricaded myself in the school lavatory.

worst. possible. choice. ever.

it was the safest though. i spent a few minutes inside, pondering life and its idiosyncrasies. i got out, and lingered for awhile outside. i was contemplating whether to get back to class when i saw a prefect and he saw me.

i made an ugly face and ran back inside.

now, people would normally choose to run to a place that has possibly more than one exit. i'm not of of them people. safe to say, i was trapped.

after spending another eternity drawing up escape plans within the confined space named stinkin' toilet, i sneaked outside. everything's cool, everything's cool... EVERYTHING'S NOT COOL as i spot not one but bloody three of 'em waiting for me outside. i hid behind a partition before the toilet entrance and just felt like dying.

one of them suddenly pops up beside me and i stiffen up like a board. the little bastard doesnt notice me though, and goes into that part of the toilet. BIG FAIL

i ran over to the other section of the toilet and waited, occasionally sneaking glances at their position. the third time, they were gone.

i ran out, and never felt so relieved.

HA, i won!

how trivial this looks now that i've typed it out.

isabelline.

2009-07-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

howdy do?

i havent been online for a whole three days, imagine that. i had to do this and that, that and this. BAH.

flag day was excruciating. as i said, i'm not cut out for stuff like this. nonetheless, i managed to pull through. i collected more than half a tin of coins for each day, though i have to give all credit to my friend as she did most of the asking. "would you like to make a donation to st. john's?" HA, you can never get tired of saying that... yea right.

what's the story, morning glory? / notable occurrences;

had a mighty 'scolding' from some uneducated, racist uncle on sunday. he told me to go study hard, saying i should leave all this to the malays and indians. i was utterly dumbfounded.
had another uncle asking me if i would like to have lunch, his treat (though he said he couldnt afford treating a 2nd person upon seeing my friend appear behind him LOL). again, utterly dumbfounded. it caught me off guard as we, meaning us pesky rascals with donation tins whom people avoid on sight, quite rarely get to meet nice, friendly people who treat strangers to lunch like him.
konked out on saturday. passed out from 7pm to 6.15am the next day... meaning i overslept. woke up to my phone ringing and my friend asking me when i would arrive at headquarters. my reply? OH NOOO, upon realising it was 0615.
noticed that most people preferred to give their money to the girls, even when i'm the one closer to them. they'd rather stretch a few more centimetres than put it in my tin. SIGH

after arriving back home on sunday, i made japanese cheesecake. HAHAHA

it was a (kinda) huge success. i would have taken a picture of it had mother not burnt its top off. it was in the oven when i just finished showering. a burning smell greeted me as i came out of the bathroom and i shouted, MUM! IT'S BURNING! she laughed, so i thought it was burnt toast as that was usually the case. who knew! it was still delicious though... once you cut the burnt top off, that is. unless you prefer an extra few carcinogens in yer system~

on monday, two of us biology classes went hiking up to the air itam dam. the aim was to identify different species of plants, but all i heard were scientific names ending with -ceae.

BANANA, musaceae.
DURIAN, malvaceae.
TAPIOCA, euphorbiaceae.
BIRD'S NEST FERN, aspleniaceae.
sound of motorbike approaching
MOTO! MOTO!
*everyone scampers to the side*

...the path was quite narrow, you see. most of them we noticed were riding down with baskets of durio zibethinus (durian la!) which proved quite special to see for us city kids. i didnt like the smell that followed though.

our popular durian, being described by travel and food writer richard sterling;

"...its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions,
garnished with a gym sock.
it can be smelled from yards away."

HAHAHAHA

ohyea, i played a game of cat and mouse with the prefects today. i'm insane!
details to follow~

bye for now, teehee

rust.

2009-07-03T21:53:00.003+08:00

ahhhh!

i have to participte in the st. john's ambulance flag day(s) this weekend.

i have to go around asking people to push their pennies into a donation tin i'll be holding for the whole day. *shudders* frankly, i loathe doing such things. i hate having to go around and approach people, asking them to do stuff. then the worse part is when they dont want to have anything to do with you and just wave you away, muttering 'i'm not interested'. maybe i'm being too pessimistic but, eeeeeek

that's why i can never, never imagine being one of those flyer distributors or credit card promoters who you try to avoid without being too conspicuous, but then who chase you down like maniacs when they notice you trying to avoid them. get what i mean?

i also have to wake up at 4am later. the whole thing starts at 5.30am but i'm planning on having breakfast at mcd with a friend. so yea... FOUR AM. there's something about the early hours of the morning that kinda gets to me. it's nice not having to be caught in a traffic jam, or having to fight for my survival on the notorious streets of penang. there's a certain feeling of serenity and calm as well, especially when i'm eating out with a friend or two; no need to wait in line, no need to listen to the noise of the crowd. one word? AWESOME.

i'm looking forward to breakfast ~~and forcing people to part with their money~~.

sky blue.

2009-06-26T20:36:00.004+08:00

Michael Jackson
August 29, 1958–June 25, 2009

i am so sad!

i got the shock of my life today. on the way to school, i heard news about michael jackson passing away at the age of 50.

some people ask me why i'm even bothered, why i even care. honestly, i was never a huge fan but i know one thing was for sure, he made good music. damn good. oh, and one more thing? he was THE king of pop.

it confuses me when people dont get why everyone else other then themselves are so worked up over his death. the question 'why is everyone getting so worked up over his death?' should have been 'why is everyone NOT getting so worked up over his death?'

so need i say more? he was an icon, a legend, and i'd rather people remember him for his music than for his personal life, however troubled and controversial it may have been. and mind you, his multiple surgeries and ever-changing appearance was never an issue with me, so it's unfortunate that he received so much ridicule for it. like, what was the big deal exactly? the tabloids, and the public, were never kind to him. and i cannot believe how people are still saying bad things (true or untrue) about him, especially since he's passed on! i was on facebook and noticed some people there just havent any respect.

thriller, that's the song - and the music video! - i will always remember him for.

rest in peace, michael.

tragedy.

electric indigo.

2009-06-25T22:49:00.000+08:00

it was match point againt maria sharapova, and my world came crashing down the second i saw her hit that forehand long.

well, my world didnt come crashing down but it did ruin my day.
seriously.

the party's tomorrow.
yea, the party.

i've baked the cheesecake already and i cant say i'm actually satisfied with it. my mum says it's nice so i'm taking her word for it. she also said that i'm never happy with the outcome, be it a simple cheesecake or luxurious brownies.

that's not true... i found the basic vanilla cupcakes i baked before the cheesecake really nice! i also made chocolate mint cupcakes, which were delicious as well.

i dont care what i think though, what i care utmost about are my classmates' reactions to that first mouthful of cheesecake. will it heavenly bliss? or vomit-in-your-face-exorcist-style? pure euphoria? maybe indifference, no? they'd probably give me the face that says 'i wont be having a second slice'. hey bub, you wouldnt be allowed a second serving anyway.

i'm so pathetic.
it's miserable how i waddle in self-doubt and low-esteem.
it's STUPID.

i'll just act like nothing's wrong.

lime.

2009-06-24T18:59:00.001+08:00

my book of cupcake recipes had a bad tumble down the stairs. i dont like it when my books are 'abused', hence, my bad mood. actually, i really havent a clue why i'm in such a mood. is that okay? being moody and irritable without a good reason? i guess NOT, to some people.

i found out that i have receding gums yesterday. i went to the dentist to have my teeth scaled and polished, and upon seeing my gums, she kinda reprimanded me for brushing too hard. i've suspected that i had the condition, but my orthodontist didnt say anything - he would've told me about it, wouldnt he? - so after having it finally verified by the dentist, i can say that it got me very, very worried. sigh, now everytime i brush my teeth, i cant help but look and inspect my lower front teeth (and their almost visible roots). i then proceed to cringe. i'm not brushing my teeth so harshly anymore, but it's only been a day since i was told not to. hopefully, they'll grow back and i wont have to resort to gingival grafting.

we're having a class party tomorrow, and guess what? i have to bake a cheesecake. =.=
gosh, the girls in my class are obssessed with cheesecake.

i'm not saying that i was forced to bake one, but remember my chronic 'i-can-never-say-NO' disease? yea, that. i've bought the ingredients already anyway, and i get to get back my money from the class treasurer. at least i dont have to bear the costs... i'm thinking of baking some simple cupcakes too, (fore)seeing that there wont be enough CAKE! for everybody. they'd better show some appreciation or a cheesecake is gonna find its place on someone's face.

i hate... words slipping from my mind, but now that i smell durian... I HATE DURIAN. oh gawd, the smell of it wafting all the way up here. it knows how much i loathe it, so i guess it loathes me too because it is trying really hard to suffocate me. well, better luck next time, bozo!

imagining a durian trying to kill me, and calling it a bozo, somehow makes me feel like i've gone mental.

when i'm emo, just let me BE emo.
when i'm 'emo', i'm not emotional. i'm in a bad mood, even bipolar if it pleases you. so call it whatever you want but just know that i've never associated me being like this with this condition called 'emo'.
just learn the difference.
emo = depressed, suicidal, self-injury, peoms galore!
me = destructive, strife, angry, explosive, indifferent, snarls and sneers; for no fucking good reason with zero control whatsoever.
i dont expect anyone to understand though.

fuchsia.

2009-06-20T22:17:00.001+08:00

drag me to hell was AWESOME.

it had me on the edge of my seat most of the time. seriously genuinely horrifying, unlike those previous so-called "horror" movies. i would have most likely flung the popcorn box up in the air, making it rain popcorn, during any of those 'out-of-nowhere' scenes had ck and i not finish it before the movie even began. i think i was the only omg-ing, screaming and shouting in the cinema whenever the lamia or old lady came popping up out of nowhere. how embarrassing. there were also some really funny parts, which provided some much-needed comic relief. pure horror + comedy = my type of movie. i am so going to watch it again with beatrice and yi ern when we hang out next week!!! though i have to say i was quite sad when it came to the ending. i guess now i understand why we all prefer happy endings to tragic endings. verdict: definitely recommended.

so yea, ck and i had hung out one last time before he was to go back to singapore next week. i helped him pick out a white shirt for his choir performances. i had to force him to pick the one with black buttons instead of the ones with conventional white or off-white ones because he was worried it wouldnt be allowed in choir. come on, man! be more adventurous, i thought you were the one always breaking the rules. there was also a slight pattern in the fabric, not being just plain and straight to the point if you get what i mean. in the end, he too was happy with his purchase because later on, he took it out of the bag, looked at it again and said, "so nice!". SWEAT

honestly, the shirt was very nice. the buttons were quite special too; black and shiny... i liked it too, and if ck didnt get it, i would have gone and got it for myself another day. it was really worth it, only rm60 because there's now a father's day promo - oh shit, i havent made a card for my dad yet. i'm lazy though! every year, all my brothers write in the card is: dear dad, happy father's day! i love you. from xxxx.

isnt that boring? all we can do vary is the design of the card, and frankly, i am desperately running out of ideas. we cant write anything else because then, it'll sound a bit too much... like, happy father's day! thank you for all the sunglasses, nike shoes, watches, skincare, breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert you have provided for me all these years. you're great! love ya! toodles! from xxxx.

maybe it's just me as i find it a bit hard to show love and affection, exactly just like the person who is my dad. then why do i not just buy those ready-made cards mass manufactured (urgh, this phrase is like a pimple that wont go away) by the likes of hallmark and memory lane? well, because such things are devoid of real love and affection. nothing is more loving and affectionate than a homemade card sometimes.

ironic, i know.

anyway, jocelyn swung by at 8.30pm to pass me some of her form six books. old, new books! (or is it new, old books? i'm confused) yet i'm so excited! i like nice stuff. haha and i saved so much money! thanks a bunch, jo. and you have really nice hair. LOL

okay, people. i have a card to make now.

gawd! i totally hate having my internet cut off at 11pm; an "internet curfew".

blaze orange.

2009-06-17T21:42:00.001+08:00

sigh. the internet is being retarded again, so goddamned retarded.

frustration levels are at an all time high and i have nowhere to let it all out. i feel like i'm going to explode. though now that i'm watching the grunting match between maria sharapova and venus williams, i totally feel better because it is so AWESOME! lol

anyhoo, i've already finished my homework! well, not exactly, but i did all that i knew how to do. i actually took the time to think, cross my heart. i've done all the questions required for maths... for the current chapter, that is. dont even mention the previous chapter because i'm just gonna pretend i didnt hear you! la la la la...

i've grown bored of my music. i need new songs, new artists to listen to. gosh, all the songs i listen to are now practically lullabies. boooooring.

ohyea, the rumours of having to stay back at school til 4? they're most probably true. my form teacher said it hasnt been officially announced at my school, though it already was at other schools like MBS and such. now hear me out for awhile: i am not amused. my god, what the hell?! exactly WHAT would necessitate such shitty adjustments to the form six class schedule? WHAT would we be doing anyway?! we have 5 subjects to study, and we can only take in so much in a single day! i wouldnt know what to do, how to react if they really do this to us. and let me just clarify something; we have a life and we are not going to spend - what, 1600-0730... - 8.5 hours, a third of our days, in school for FIVE days every week! SIX days when we have co-curricular activities! you say it's just an additional 2 hours from the current 6 hours, but 2 hours is a fuck load of time for me. in 2 hours, i can already watch the grunting match between sharapova and willliams 36 times! 36 FUCKING TIMES! well, 36 fucking times if you minus the time taken for the video to load and the time i repeat the extra loud points in the game.

imbeciles.

aqua.

2009-06-15T17:02:00.004+08:00

the holidays have ended and it's the first day of school. gaaah, maths class was pure torture. i had my eyes glazed over like those krispy kreme suger-glazed doughnuts most of the time as the teacher rambled on, scribbling equations and their solutions on the board. i wasnt bored, i was actually angry because i couldnt get myself to understand what was going on. shrugs oh well...

anyway, i'm finally getting my very own austin mini. MWAHAHAHA. it was beautiful! went with my parents (ronan tagged along) to see the car, all the way at balik pulau. i wasnt very happy at first because i still hadnt finish my maths homework, but it was worth it. on that note, i'd rather go out driving my mini anytime than stay at home with a stack of reference books. urm... lol. my main concern though is my incompetence in driving a manual car. haha

i cant wait for all the paperwork to be finished, then the car will be all miiiine. is beige a boring colour? the body is a very light beige while the top, the roof is black. i wish i could give it a nice shiny, glossy coat of red with the ~~malaysian~~ UK flag painted on top. now that'd be a treat.

i kinda regret choosing form 6. i'm just worried it'd be too hard and i'd get horrible results in my stpm. but then "it's too hard" is not really an excuse. now, if only i could overcome my perpetual laziness. i'm also just sad at the prospect of not having any of my closest friends left in penang with me. most of them have and will be leaving penang to go study elsewhere. chun kit, seumas and beatrice have already went off to singapore, sydney and kl respectively. yi ern said she might be going to kl next year after college here. then there's joel. he's changed his mind and is thinking of dropping outta form 6 to go to college - he just needs his family's support.

sigh. they are the only people i can really talk to. after they've gone, what am i suppose to do? people say, go make new friends. you know i'm not the kind of person who can just strike up a conversation with any stranger. i cant make friends just like that. it's not easy for me. most of the time, i seem arrogant and cold when you first meet me, but i'm not! i'm just shy, you idiots. just give me the benefit of doubt, ok? gosh. by the time i'm all warmed up and ready to socialise, the 'party' would already be over.

why me???

milestone: 200th entry.

lemon.

2009-06-13T23:46:00.009+08:00

i went to coffee bean after dinner just so i could return them their fugly uniform. after that, i was reminded how much of a fucking twat hayati is.

i return the apron, cap and name tag to her. then with a scowl on her face, she asks me where the shirts were. fuck! seeing her expression was almost enough for me to punch her jaw in. keep in mind that i paid a deposit of RM60 for them ugly stuff - apron, shirts, cap and name tag. so, of course when you dont say anything about returning me my money, i would automatically assume that i at least get to keep those brand new shits - i mean, shirts, because who the hell would want to wear secondhand shirts when they're gonna have to pay RM60 anyways? i mean, the aprons are ok, the caps borderline ok, but shirts?! if i were one of the new staff and i found out i'm paying RM60 to wear shirts other people have sweat, sneezed, wiped their nose shit on before, well, fuck me because i paid RM60! NO WAY. what kind of sick people run that place?! god! OKAY, so i say i'd return her the shirts tomorrow. was she happy? NO. in actual fact, i heard a hint of skeptism in her voice after that.

like, what the fucking FUCK.

hayati, you are such an arsehole. cant you just fucking brighten up for awhile? jesus! my expression immediately darkened the moment i turned away to escape that god-forsaken hell hole. yes, i may have been a tad late in returning you your precious shit but what was the fucking rush? if you said you needed it ASAP because there wasnt enough for the new staff, fine, i'd had gotten it to you ASAP. newsflash! you didnt. finally, when i return it to you, you give me that fucking evil eye like i was the arsehole instead. the proper reaction would be a nice thank you with a pleasant smile. i honestly cannot fathom how she's survived in the service industry for so long, especially with such an attitude.

pffft... what a fucking joke.

later, i asked bell whether i'd be getting my RM60 back. since she said yes, i have a lingering suspicion that hayati was hoping i'd forgotten that whole RM60 deposit thing and just return the uniform. even though my suspicions have yet to be confirmed, i'm still going to rant like they were. here goes: that BITCH! my god, what does she think i am? some dodo bird? is she trying to fool me? hell! i gave my all when i was working there and you treat me like that? i wasnt some idiot bumbling around the place. in fact, i dare say i was one of the better ones. YEA, fuck yea.

i bet one day she's going to be cursed and dragged to hell.
seriously, i am that pissed off to say that. actually... it's a wonder that hasnt happened yet.

i havent watched the movie yet, though i wish i had so that i could have derived greater pleasure in writing those few sentences.

khaki.

2009-06-11T22:32:00.000+08:00

i think i am on the verge of another mental breakdown.

after careful observation, i can conclude that this cycles repeats itself approximately every fortnight. i'd have two weeks of peace and happiness, then two weeks of binge-ing, mood-swinging insanity. therefore, i would like to ask if there is a male equivalent of PMS because i am seriously so fucked-up right now.

first of all, i have these huge yearnings for comfort food smack right in the middle of the night. it definitely does not help when jamie oliver and nigella lawson are playing masak-masak in their respective kitchens on tv. food pornography... gaaaawd, kill me. okay, so i go around the kitchen scouring for food to binge on. i find nothing but unhealthy, mass-manufactured shit. so what do i do? i eat, DUH. the thing is, after you eat, you're suppose to feel satisfied, right? NOOO! i felt horrible and guilty! disgusted by the fact that high-fat, high-sodium junk was floating in my stomach. i hope i dont sound like a health freak but imagine if this goes on, i'd be all fat and lumpy in no time! my arteries would be clogged and my cholesterol levels would shoot through the roof! urm... dammit, what else did biology teach me?!

the mood swings also drive me crazy. well, they also drive me to binge because I EAT MY FEELINGS, BITCHES. so you see, girls? guys eat their feelings too. now, how about those chocolate brownies...

ooops, i have homework to do. i'm not bothered though, not yet. i still have three days, three glorious days to complete 50 extremely abstract (well, abstract only for a dimwit like me) maths questions. procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate

is there something on your mind?
fuck yea.

camouflage.

2009-06-10T19:13:00.004+08:00

HAHAHAHAHA. oh my god, i love laughing at funny stuff. unfunny stuff too, because sometimes they're so unfunny, they're actually funny. the lies i tell myself

urm... anyway, i was surfing the net when i chanced upon awkwardfamilyphotos. some are just so silly and funny, i had to gag myself just to stop laughing.

never before has a birthday cake photograph been so chilling.

HAHAHAHHA. fuckin' hilarious. everytime i look at the photo, i just burst out laughing. gawd, why this? why now? i have homework to do! HAHAH

ohyea, i did this test.

i dunno what to say... except, what?! i actually thought it would be worse.
lol

cardinal.

2009-06-09T18:09:00.000+08:00

the mercury is at an all-time high these days. the heat is unbearable. i no longer look forward to sleeping because i wake up everytime bathed in sweat - seriously uncomfortable. to aggravate the already volatile situation, i have incredible levels of sound pollution to deal with. nope, i am not talking about the various remixes of i kissed a girl blasting from my speakers. there's construction going on just behind my house, and my bedroom being directly adjacent to the source of discontention, i have the pleasure of absorbing all the noise. my bedroom may be a floor higher than the site of construction, but due to the physics of sound waves, if i'm not mistaken, sound waves tend to travel upwards in high temperatures. so there you have it, the damned chaos theory in all its glory.

and because it's so hot, ~~i'm too lazy~~ i just cannot go around snapping photos that easily. my own little warning: project 365 is not suitable for people living in extremely humid and hot countries as the participants may actually die before they get to finish their project, especially without a survival backpack.

i harbour perpetual hate for my own mood swings, like the one i'm in now. oh my god, it's so hot my butt is perspiring. anyway, i should be doing my homework, but i'm not. i should be creating moments through my camera, but i'm not. urgh.

i NEED comfort food, but all i find in the fridge are beer, fruit, german waffle biscuits, a weird-looking brown substance and a bag of m&m's i do not feel like opening yet, among other non-comfort food. i was thinking of baking some brownies the other day when i had a huge yearning for some good, old non-mass manufactured homebaked comfort food. it didnt work out because i found out i didnt have enough dark chocolate to bake them. so i bought some on sunday. the thing is, i dont have this huge yearning for some good, old non-mass manufactured homebaked comfort food anymore. i emptied my wallet for nothing. and i'm lazy to go to the bank, just to let you know.

she's dangerous.

white.

2009-06-05T00:07:00.005+08:00

i am extremely ashamed of myself. i'm not proud of the fact that i just brushed aside my grandaunt's passing just like that, like how i would brush away an annoying fly with a flick of the hand. i dont understand how i could find something like a relative's death even faintly hilarious. i dont care how distant we were; it doesnt matter that i rarely talked to her. it just does not matter.

how she passed away, nobody really knows. she was about to take her shower when it happened. one possibility is, she had a heart attack. the other, she fell down, hit her head on the floor and just passed on. the discovery was made when my aunt's sister-in-law went in to investigate after having not heard the sound of water 10 minutes after my grandaunt went in.

i shed tears for my late grandaunt an hour ago. the official plan for the whole family to pay their respects to her right after dinner was called off, but my family just dropped by at the funeral parlour to see how my aunt and uncle were doing. my grandaunt was living with them, so when she passed away, they had to prepare and organise the funeral arrangements.

i didnt see them - the tears - coming. i lit a joss stick for her for tradition's sake, and just followed my father to have what could possibly the last look at her face - i had a hard time remembering her face prior to that. the tears started to well up in my eyes soon after. i felt so ashamed, though i felt more sadness. the look of peace and serenity on her pale face could have triggered the tears, or maybe it's just the fact that i cannot fully accept someone's death until i see their lifeless body - i'm not even sure myself. something, or more likely, everything about death pains me extremely.

i would be lying if i didnt say that i felt a bit awkward being the only one crying, but try as i might, i could not stop the tears from flowing. the harder i tried, the faster they came. i pondered, and realised that i dont think i could ever accept anyone's death calmly. it doesnt matter whether they had a good life, a happy life or whatever. it's death, the grim reaper... nobody can ever be consoled by the fact that someone they had just lost lived a happy, long and enjoyable life. blame my own pessimism but unlike some other people, death for me is nothing to rejoice about.

so far, i've lost three people in my life: my great-grandmother, one of my closest family friends and this grandaunt of mine. my great-grandmother passed away when i was probably under 10, and i barely felt anything because quite simply, i must have been too young to understand anything like that.

my friend passed away around the time after my pmr examinations. i cried like i had gone mad at her wake; i sobbed uncontrollably, bawled my eyes blind. at a time when i was possibly bucket loads more optimistic than now, i honestly believed she would have received that liver transplant and recover. the last time i ever saw her alive was when i visited her in selayang hospital in kl. we didnt talk though; she was just too weak, drifting in and out of consciousness. when it was my turn to enter the ICU, alone mind you, the sight of seeing someone i cared so much for in pain and on the brink was too much to handle. the only thing i could do was to give her mother, who had been by her side the whole time, the biggest hug i could muster. it was barely five minutes when i rushed out into the corridor in tears. to add insult to injury, a couple of people i turned to for support commented that she would be going to hell as she wasnt a christian. i dont care whatever your intentions were, because trust me, i will never forget the words you insensitive pricks uttered to me (and fuck me if i'm being harsh, because who in their right mind would ever say that to someone who had just lost a close friend, huh?!). i forgive, but - mark my words - i will NEVER EVER forget. the only thanks i can give you is for letting me realise how stupid and backwards religion can be. so, thank you for that turning point in my life. thank you so much.

as clichéd as i may sound, cherish your loved ones - young or old - while they're still here with you and you with them. never take them for granted. also, smile! and if possible, try within your limits to live like today was your last day on earth.

anyway, i just hope, in my grandaunt's last moments, she passed away knowing everyone loved her and would miss her after she was gone. she was a good woman. i wish the same for my great-grandmother and of course, for my dearest friend, Kar Mun.

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are
for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
- Harriet Beecher Stowe

cosmic latte.

2009-06-04T18:41:00.002+08:00

urm. someone passed away today.

i dont think i ever really talked to my grandaunt. everytime we see her, we just acknowledge her by calling her ee poh, you know, just out of politeness. nothing more. i doubt i would have found anything interesting to talk to her about either. and there's always that invisible barrier, making it just awkward to initiate conversation with someone i rarely meet and barely know.

to make things kinda worse, today we were supposed to celebrate her and my grandma's birthday. some big dinner celebration.

my brother came to me an hour ago to tell me that the celebrations will not be as joyous anymore. i, always expecting the worse, just expected the worse. then he told me that our grandaunt had passed away. i didnt know how to react. i wasnt sad, i was indifferent. in fact, i feel guilty for not grieving. understandably it's hard to do so since we never talked or anything.

worse still, i found it a bit funny that she would choose to die on her birthday. well, not choose, but you get what i mean. she was in the shower when the grim reaper came. COD: myocardial infarction; and for those who do not watch house or csi - shame on you! - a heart attack.

life and death. just another unending cycle.
how unnerving.

azure.

2009-05-31T23:36:00.001+08:00

i joined livejournal a few days ago, and called my journal BANANA/democracy. creative am i not? hahaha! and no, i'm not leaving this site, however wretched it may be. my cousin told me about project 365 and 'coerced' me into taking part. seeing how my raybans are in her hands, how could i ever say no? LOL

project 365 involves a lot of photo-taking. you snap a few every single day, and post one online. it's like a photo diary, only one pic a day though. what?! i guess you choose the one photo that captures the most significant moment of the day... or something like that. it's your own thing anyway, so who cares if you dont follow the some of rules? for me, i just upload photos that i think are nice, because so far, notable moments in my life have somehow managed to evade my camera. i'm working on that though. learning to make it a habit to take my camera everywhere with me, something i dislike because of how heavy - it's heavy for a camera ok? geeez, gimme a break - it is. besides, i have a phobia of taking stuff everywhere unnecessarily as i'm terrified of losing them. i can get very sentimental when it comes to personal possessions. anyway, i said i'll be working on that.

i made dinner last night. fettuccine with german sausages and bell peppers in lemon olive oil was the main course with mashed potatoes as the side. i would have loved to snap a photo of what i prepared, but i was too preoccupied with eating. but the best thing would have to be the fact that it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. the olive oil with lemon and its rind provided a very light, subtle and delicate flavour. the sausages were divine and the peppers provided the slightest bit of fire. YUM. i wasnt a big fan of the potatoes though because some werent cooked thoroughly, resulting in bits of hard and soft potato. my mum loved it though. to make it extra rich, i added milk, double cream and butter in with the mash. mum also suggested that i mash in two hard-boiled eggs. since last night was quite a hit with the family, i can say that i'm looking forward to cooking for them again. hahaha

after dinner, we had coffee, specifically the bali blue moon coffee i bought from coffee bean that time. i have only two words, ABSOLUTELY GLORIOUS. a fragrant toffee aroma with flavours of walnuts and semi-sweet chocolate, with a crisp black cherry finish; gawd, it is as good as it sounds. i had my cup with sugar and double cream. delicious! so glad i bought that damn expensive coffee. no regrets whatsoever!

i started this entry at 7 and only managed to finished it now at 11.30pm. why? well, i had to help a certain someone with their college homework which had to be handed in tomorrow. it was crazy. had to write 1000+ words from the points given. but then, what are best friends for? LOL. that someone still owes me big time though.

BIG TIME. :P

pistachio.

2009-05-30T22:53:00.000+08:00

OMGOMGOMG! THIS, IS EPIC.
almost ROFL-ed to death. HAHAHAHAHAHHA

shocking pink.

2009-05-28T22:46:00.000+08:00

i really like rafael nadal's outfit for this year's french open. it's like a breath of fresh air; something different, something daring. and it complements his skin tone very well too!

GAAAAAAAAAH!

for the women's draw, i'm just glad maria sharapova is back on court after recuperating from that shoulder injury of hers. hopefully, she'll make it at least to the quarterfinals where she'll most probably meet venus williams. call me weird but i just love how she always shrieks when she strikes the ball - you either hate it or you love it. i love it! it makes everything more exciting, ooooh especially when she plays a fellow grunter. take for example, against venus during the semifinals of the 2005 wimbledon championships. thrilling! maria lost, unfortunately.

yea! that's what i call great power tennis. all us maria fans can only hope that she can regain such a level of performance and make a huge comeback without injuring her shoulder again. there's probably gonna be another repeat catfight between maria and venus as they are to meet the quarterfinals if neither loses beforehand. i cant wait!

tennis aside, there's homework... something i'm much less passionate about. urgh, mathematics. the equations, gawd. i'm too lazy to think right now. i hate maths! all i care about right now are tennis, maria sharapova, sleep and the upcoming holidays.

lame.

periwinkle.

2009-05-24T18:02:00.004+08:00

i think i could self-destruct anytime now. i am in a very very foul mood and i hate it. even after making a conscious effort to cheer myself up - smile a bit, laugh a few, using a very soothing and calming blue colour with a sissy name for this blog entry - i got into a worse mood because i ended up feeling like a fraud.

i can get very nasty when i'm moody, doesnt matter if it's just slightly or extremely. every word becomes a snarl, a sneer. every sentence becomes a shout fest. i actually think i'm doing very well right now. i still have a partial sense of control because believe me, i am already doing my best not to smash the crap outta this computer, kick the cat shitless or switch on the air-conditioning to further exacerbate global warming. about kicking cats - i personally think i have, although rarely exhibited, a very sadistic streak, particularly towards animals, particularly cats. the thought of throwing cats down from the top of the opposite apartment brings a rather sinister grin to my face. thinking about how terrified they'd be, their alarmed and high-pitched, practically ultrasonic meows that even mariah carey's infamous high notes cannot beat as i throw them overboard; paws flailing about trying to claw at imaginary walls; the lovely sonic boom as they reach supersonic, break-neck (pun intended) speeds; and their once perpetually arrogant expressions now replaced by horror-struck countenance, forever immortalised as i parachute down, whipping out my camera to snap the apparent suicide... then the glee-inducing thud as they hit ground zero.

JUST HOW COOL IS THAT?

*elevator music*

i'm both disturbingly shocked and pleasantly, oh no, chillingly surprised at myself for such horrendous thoughts. creepy much?

sign of the cross and prays
"In the name of Jesus! I reject that thought and imagination. I send you to Jesus right now."
oh lord almighty, cleanse my mind of thoughts so evil. i beseech thee!

soft light filters through the stained glass windows and hymns play in the background as i wait for divine intervention

evil thoughts still pollute me mind. oh well, i tried.
but hey, who cares because i feel better now! bwahahaha

fallow.

2009-05-23T23:15:00.005+08:00

i'm falling in love with duffy all over again. i just cannot stop listening to warwick avenue, and she definitely sounds better singing live. as how the british would put it, the song's simply smashing!

anyway, i went to school today. orientation day, that's what they said. i didnt feel like going at all, but i really had no choice since extra-curricular activities make up 10 percent of my CGPA and bla bla bla... you get the drift. having said that, i do not regret making that choice because everything was just out-of-this-world hilarious. some of the station games they organised, gawd, were just unfathomable.

first one we had to do was to pass a message but with your mouth full of water. i was the second last one in line so getting to see how everyone in front did just had me rolling on the floor.

garrrr... *gurgle* twaaww... *gurgle burble* kruuu... *choke cough choke*

i couldnt handle it when it was my turn. i just felt like laughing til i died. well, i almost did seeing how i was laughing with water in my mouth. choking hazard! that was probably the funniest of the bunch. there were other funny ones, but then i'm just was too lazy to describe everything else right now. my team didnt win any prizes but i sure had fun, which was not expected at all.

oh, and have you ever had coffee with cream before? instead of milk, you put double cream. mum made me a cup and it was practically the best cup of coffee i've ever had. i mean it. nescafe with cream made with mum's TLC beats coffee bean anytime! seriously!

LOL.

pear.

2009-05-22T23:20:00.003+08:00

apparently, we have a BIG FAT LIAR - not in the literal sense - in the house.

so i bought the biggest bag of m&m's the other day, thinking how i would enjoy them in times when i felt like dying, ie the last few days. well, i decided to pop a few after lunch.

opens fridge

i found that only a fraction of what was originally 636grams of colourful candy-coated pieces of milk chocolate was left for me. sigh.

people have been stealing my chocolate again!

i wasnt angry actually. i was just really frustrated and annoyed. people are not supposed mess with my chocolates! of course, the first suspects were the devil children - ronan, jess and daryl. gawd, how they irritate me. add their unbelievably loud, non-stop blabber mouths to the drilling and hacking and explosions happening behind the house really makes me wish i were deaf.

anyway, i asked them whether they were the ones who ate my m&m's. quite immediately, they told me no. hmmm, didnt i just sense guilt in their voices? and werent their replies just a tad too fast? but i believed them. i asked ken, and he said he didnt. suddenly, i realised it might be my grandpa because he has stolen not only mine, but other people's chocolates before. still... innocent til proven guilty.

it was during dinner time when i asked ronan again. he said no in such a pained way, making me feel like i was the one in the wrong for being so overly suspicious of him. i felt bad... and it was his birthday after all. i complained to mum when she came down to the kitchen and immediately, she gave ronan that piercing stare. that's when he came clean. not only did he steal some for himself, he also shared the stolen goods with his accomplices. boy, are jess and daryl gonna kena come monday. LIARS, ALL OF THEM! but ronan, so young and already such an expert liar. even he had me fooled! gawd, our own future conman. somehow, i dont think i'll be able to trust small children anymore. deceived by my own little brother. tsk. things will never be the same ever again!

i like overreacting. lol

wow, what a boring entry. i guess excitement only comes in the form of stress and unfinished homework for me, well, for the last few days anyway. harharhar.

snort

cream.

2009-05-21T21:46:00.007+08:00

i just dont have the brains!

chemistry + mathematics + lack of understanding = torture to the power of 1000000.
add another variable to the equation, in this case, A SERIOUSLY FUCKED-UP INTERNET CONNECTION, and you've hit the jackpot.

i feel like curling up in bed and hiding. it's literally torture because not understanding something you're required to understand... its not supposed to be like that. what's worse is the fact that i am sitting all alone, all by myself, in the front row, with virtually zero friends in class! i feel like i could die just sitting there, not knowing how to solve certain maths/chem questions especially when i have nobody to turn to! i dunno about you, but this is not how i planned everything to be! and there's the connection going on and off and on and then off again. it is just driving me up the wall. I CANNOT HANDLE ALL THIS RIGHT NOW! MY GOD!

exhales

exactly what have i gotten myself into? and then there's the rumours of how we have to stay back at school until at least 4pm, starting right after the holidays? mother-eff!!! ridiculous. absurd. INSANE! my burning hatred for school has finally been rekindled, i just need somewhere or someone to express it to. ever heard of those places where you pay to enter and smash dishes? yea... why dont they have them here? WHY? i'd be a regular customer. it'd make good business. WHY???

i find that i have frequent but minor panic attacks. sometimes, my heart just starts to beat so fast, so rapidly. i start to sweat. breathing becomes a bit more difficult. all for no apparent or rather silly reasons. why me? egad, how am i suppose to cope? i feel so hopeless. it's only the 2nd week of school and the pressure's already killing me. does everyone feel that way, or am i just putting too much on my shoulders? i am very well aware of how bad my maths and chemistry can be, so isnt it natural to worry? isnt it?

so many questions... gawd. SOMEONE ANSWER ME!

i cant take anymore. I CANT.

magenta.

2009-05-19T21:50:00.003+08:00

i just dont have the patience.

when the phone rings for kazillionth time and nobody picks it up;
when i'm called to the kitchen having just climbed flights and flights of stairs to the top of the house;
when someone asks a question that i find so stupid and so redundant i cant help exploding with vile, seething sarcasm;
when i have to wait for the stupid web browser to load;
when i have to rack my pea-sized brain just to compute some simple goddamned math equation;
and especially when my brother tells me not to use his god's name in vain.

OH MY GOD,

i think i am going nuts.

ahoy captain - foul mood ahead! oh wait, we've already hit it... four hours ago!

my body's teeming with toxic chi. i can feel it. this build-up of negative energy is not good. my life span's probably been shortened by at least 20 years already. why do i feel like i havent a purpose in life? never had, never have and never will?

movie soundtracks - namely the lord of the rings - is the only thing soothing my nerves right now. and now all that effort to calm down has gone to waste because of some sickly sweet, overpowering odour that's just wafted into the vicinity. DEAR GOD, WHY CANT EVERYTHING JUST LEAVE ME ALONE???

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind sounds good right now.
it sounds great.

yale blue.

2009-05-17T23:37:00.005+08:00

OH MY GAAAAAAWD!

STAR TREK!!! IS. SO. COOOOOOOOOOOL.

GEE!
EGAD!
OMFG!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
agh! the science fiction geek within me is just screaming in delight.

ahem.

seriously speaking, the concept is just so absolutely positively nifty! i love science fiction, love LOVE LOVE science fiction and anything within the likes of star wars, star trek and various other movies/novels/whatever set in a technologically advanced/apocalyptic/super-duper futuristic future just gets me high. SO HIGH I'M PRACTICALLY FLOATING.

but after the high, soon comes the low. i get frustrated after watching movies like star trek because sometimes - actually, all the time - i wish i were living in such worlds. being a cadet in starfleet in the star trek universe; training with a silver lightsabre to become a jedi master in the star wars universe; or even running from zombies in the 28 weeks... universe. sounds geeky i know but... sigh.

honestly, i'm just sad life on plain old present earth pales in comparison to what the future could potentially offer. i mean, come one! faster-than-light travel has not been discovered yet, heck, we cant even send a space shuttle into space on a whim. and what happened to artificial intelligence? damn. i wish i lived in the future where we can colonise planets in other systems, fight alien enemies and go exploring space. like buzz lightyear always says: to infinity and beyond!

of course, all that is impossible. i cant live in the future. nope, not in this lifetime. so right now, i'm banking on the possibility of reincarnation as a human being (a tall, good-looking male with greyish-green eyes LOL; not as an ant, dog, cat, cockroach or alien) in the far-flung future, the successful implementation of cryonics before i die or time travel... though i would not rule out the sudden gift of immortality.

it's as simple as that. so simple.

chris pine has got me pine-ing (pun so totally intended) for blue eyes. i am so unbelievably envious...

SERIOUSLY?!

jade.

2009-05-11T23:14:00.000+08:00

phweet... phweeat... feeegt...

that was what i heard when i got out the car and started walking towards the school hall. my shoes were sighing every step i took. i guess they didnt want to step foot on school ground as much as i did but to think i just bought those pair of shoes yesterday, shakes head. anyway, being back in school just brought back some horrible memories. it's not to say i didnt have any great memories, but i'm quite negative about how school will be like for me this year.

i was already late. nervous, i went into the hall, had my name ticked on the register and took a seat. boredom quickly settled my nerves. all they did was talk about what to expect, how the CGPA was calculated, how important co-curriculum is yadda yadda yadda... i thought everything would be ok once the day ended and went home but who knew school had just started... FO' REAL! i have to get to school at 7.30am for the rest of the week, month and year! i thought it was only starting in june! dear lord, i havent resigned from coffee bean yet, and i'm not mentally prepared yet! and and and... my shoes squeak! my shirts and pants are different shades of white! AGH!

i rushed home after they wrapped everything up at 1pm. the fact that co-curriculum is 10% of my CGPA really bothers me because i suck when it comes to extracurricular activities. for me, form 6 is really an ultimatum for me. i must do well under whatever circumstance.. even if it means ~~MURDER~~ bodek-ing. okay wait, i take that back because i dont think bodek-ing works in form 6 anymore. i can never get the nerve to bodek teachers anyway. i just find it so... not genuine.

anyway, i watched Séraphine with my mum in the evening. it's a french movie and is about the life of the artist Séraphine Louis. Séraphine... ahh, what a lovely name. it wasnt bad at all. it had this nice, quaint, eccentric feeling to it and i like it tremendously. having said that, i dont think many people would feel the same because such movies fail to receive the appreciation of the masses. i would not recommend it, not because it wasnt nice, but because you wont be nice to it.

oh well, i'm off to bed. :(

saffron.

2009-05-10T15:39:00.002+08:00

I love you, mum.
Happy Mother's Day.

carolina blue.

2009-05-07T19:19:00.003+08:00

i seriously cannot comprehend what went wrong today.

ALLISON?
ELIMINATED FROM AMERICAN IDOL?
oh my god.

someone should be shot for such monstrosity.

why america? WHY?!?!?!

danny should have went home in my honest, totally unbiased opinion. i thought that deafening note at the end of his rock-song-gone-bad guaranteed that.

and now for my biased opinion: danny gokey is boring, so so SO boring. yes, he can sing but that's probably all. i barely see any personality. gawd, everytime i see his performance i feel like sticking a fork in my eye. and the thing is, when he does try to do something 'special', it turns out all wrong. just like that horror scream i mentioned. BUMMER.

i dont feel like watching american idol anymore.

psychedelic purple.

2009-05-01T12:22:00.006+08:00

sharing is never a high on my agenda when it comes to certain things, specifically BEDROOMS.

as you cannot see, i am up fairly early today. YES, 12pm is early for me since i almost always wake up at 4. i'm practically nocturnal nowadays.

anyway, i didnt sleep that well today. it's hard when you have brothers who are not nocturnal, going about their business in the same bedroom. most of the days, deep sleep usually saves me from having to shout at them to shut up. today wasnt one of those days, i didnt shout though.

light sleep is a bitch.

loud talking, slaming drawers... GAWD. elephants stampeding past me would have been more bearable. the worst annoyance has to be those pesky drawers. they're located just under my bed and they have these little squeaky wheels, but the cherry on top is when my stupid brothers fucking slam them shut. FOR YOUR GOD'S SAKE. IS IT THAT HARD TO PUSH THEM IN SLOWLY AND SOFTLY? then there's the talking. oh my god...

all i'm asking for is respect and consideration. sometimes, i may look like i'm asleep when i'm actually just half-asleep. so, come on! dont go all out banging and slamming, inconsiderate bastards! and i'm not being a hypocrite because i dont do that when you sleep.

i cannot wait to get my own bedroom. i've always longed for one. unfortunately, i dont see that happening anytime soon because right after this infernal disaster are roommates in university. then after that, maybe finally a break when i live alone. yay

hush hush; hush hush.

asparagus!

2009-04-26T23:11:00.006+08:00

i am so afraid right now because i still havent got a clue of what i would want to do in the future. i've got a few on my list but i seriously dont know whether any of them could keep me content/satisfied/HAPPY in the long term. and - although i tell myself not to obsess so much over it - money is also a big issue. in fact, it's a HUGE factor. well, job satisfaction is of course #1, but cant i have both?

i did some researching, or more like reading. i read through a list of occupations on wikipedia, and, unsurprisingly, none of them interested me. but of course, that list was short and incomplete. fueled by the fear of uncertainty and of having to live meagrely on instant noodles and stale bread given out by that soup kitchen near my run-down flat since i have no permanent high-paying job (LOL), i went over to the united states department of labour's bureau of labour statistics and had a look at their occupational outlook handbook, 2008-09 edition.

i have yet to even go past the list of occupations starting with A because this list is seriously loaded... though Anaesthetists did catch my eye. actually, their earnings caught my eye. i was like, whoa! they earned the most in the physicians & surgeons category. of course, this only applies to those with more senior responsibilities and years of experience. but still... crazy! *puts this on personal list without further hesitation regarding the implications of seeing some other surgeon cut open a patient's abdomen, only to witness blood spurting out at a high velocity, releasing hordes of zombie insects (details may vary depending on time, location and environment)

i find this, me trying to make myself interested in the field of anesthetics, very hilarious. what am i thinking?! just because they earn bucket loads of money? gawd, i'm better than that. having said that, i still am imagining myself as an anaesthetist. sigh.

honestly, am i to be blamed? i only want financial security... along with collections of classic cars, leather jackets and vintage sunglasses. or maybe i'm just being very very unrealistic, too off the edge. the life of the rich and famous i have always read about and watched on tv has really gone to my head. it really has... but it's so hard not to want something like what they have. it's so difficult to stop wanting that.

i wonder if they have counselling and therapy specially for people like me, because sign me up!

slate grey.

2009-04-23T02:23:00.000+08:00

you have to know that i am NOT pleased, especially when someone else encroaches on my personal TV space! twitch twitch

i really do not support afternoon school sessions. it practically devours your whole day. blame horrible time management on my part, but when i was studying in form 1 and form 2, i became a night owl. rushing to complete my homework (minus the time for tv) at night would take a few hours and when the time came for sleep, it would be 2 or 3am. and being the pig that i am, i would sleep until it was only an hour and a half before school starts.

but hey, that's not the point. my brother is now studying in the afternoon session, and he is encroaching on my personal tv space which starts around 12am everyday, and I HATE THAT. stupid! i started watching tv at such an absurd time solely because nobody would be annoying the hell outta me with their demands to watch god knows what. now, i have this idiot to deal with. i came rushing back from work just now because i wanted to catch the repeat of american idol, but when i pulled into the driveway, my worst fear was confirmed: someone was watching tv. i asked if i could watch my show but NOOOOOOO... he wanted to watch his CSI. like i care. hello! you can catch the repeat on sunday and i was working, gimme a break, you imbecile. dammit, i didnt want to argue BUT i didnt want to negotiate either. if you dont want to let me watch, FINE. i understand because i wouldnt have let him watch his show if i were the one who was watching first. i didnt want to be the one to fail and have to grudgingly go to bed, although that would be him if he were in my place. lol. seriously, i could have just snatched the remote and switched to my channel but that would be very very tyrannical, wouldnt it? i wouldnt want to be a hypocrite. the only solution is to be the first one to get to the tv, but to do so, i would have to stop working halfway and rush back home, which certainly isn't possible. damn right, it isn't.

so, forget it. i'll watch the repeat at 1pm later today, you insensitive, horrendously thick-faced robotic freak!

burnt orange.

2009-04-18T23:23:00.000+08:00

boy, do i feel like burning something right now...

i'm cranky because i slept at 5am today. when you know you'd have to wake up at 10am in the morning, it's not really such a good idea to sleep so late (or early... like you care whether i typed 'late' or 'early', urgh). i seriously need someone to force me to bed every night. anyone interested in doing so? ok, shut up 'cause i dont wanna know.

i guess i need more willpower, more self-discipline.

ohyea, did i tell you about the crying i heard about two nights ago? it was sick, man! i was scared shitless. it was 3 in the morning and then i hear horrifying cries of what? sorrow? despair? terror? not funny! gawd, i imagined some blood-soaked figure in white with her eyes clawed out was going to crawl up the stairs on all fours in some creepy and catatonic fashion to slaughter me with a butcher knife, or a lightsaber for all i care. i found out the next day that it was the rottweilers behind howling. some neighbour in the neighbourhood bought the house behind mine and put his dogs there. anyway, it's quite a distance from here to there, so dont go saying how silly or deaf i am for hearing things especially since it was in the middle of the night. stupid dawgs, says randy jackson.

i just accidentally read a spoiler for house. i really want to kill someone now. i hate spoilers.

i said, i hate spoilers.

écru.

2009-04-17T02:49:00.001+08:00

raw and unbleached.

love songs... ahhh, love songs. as it appears, i'm listening to the love album by westlife for no apparent reason. but, do i ever need a reason? before that i was listening to allison iraheta's rendition of i dont want to miss a thing, which isnt bad at all. i spent up to an hour trying to download the song, waste of time if you ask me. on the other hand, i really wanted the song, so i guess nothing's free in this world. this song didnt so much as cost me a penny, on the contrary, it cost me time. hey wait, i have all the time in the world! fine, i'm just impatient. senseless ranting

i find myself comtemplating life nowadays. i dont like comtemplating, but really, i dont have anything else to do other than the usual. i know it's my own fault that i dont seem purposeful, or keen on anything other than sleeping, being depressed etc; i dont seek out stuff to do. ahh, but who gives a fuck, it's my life, not yours. i'll find my way out of this vicious godforsaken cycle.

is this how it ends, with a simple telephone call?

anyway... comtemplating, yes. reflecting, brooding over, meditating on. what? lonely, cold hotel rooms? kids laughing in the background?? adam lambert???

regarding adam lambert: yea well, i kinda knew something was up. so, no surprise really. it's no big deal actually. is it a big deal? no, i dont think so.

dammit sanjaya! stupid idiot ponytail. get outta here!

uh oh. the neurosis is setting in.

i seriously have issues.
yea, big surprise there. SHOCKERS.

*pops down an anti-neurotic pill or two*
hey wait, anti-neurotic pills dont exist.

FINE!

fire engine red.

2009-04-15T21:59:00.002+08:00

i wish i were more productive.

at times like these, where i just sit in front of the computer, i really wish i had something else better to do. it's just frustrating. and it's doesnt get any better. i get angry when i think about work. i get so angry because it's so mundane, so troublesome, so URGH! i die a hundred thousand deaths every time i'm there.

i get worried every time i have such bouts of loathe and hatred. will that happen when i actually am living independently? will i feel the same about my job, the job i have to carry on doing just so i can get food - good food. and no, i will NOT live on a diet of instant noodles! - on the table? if that happens, i wont want to live anymore. only one thing would comfort me: love. so in the event that should i be so deathly weary of my future job, i pray that at least i'll be in love, with someone who loves me back too obviously. god, that would feel good.

i'm expecting the worse. i always expect the worse, but for a pessimist, i'm pretty optimistic.
*cue the paramore music

right now, i'm only waiting for the moment where i finally get to live independently, whiiiiiich will be in around 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... 8 years, maximum. when i say independent, i mean living by myself in my own house/apartment/condo/whatever preferably in the USA, europe, japan or australia with no financial dependency whatsoever on my parents, also of course with a stable job. details can vary. laughs hysterically

oh look at the time. CSI at 10pm.

you see? reduced to waiting eagerly for every exciting episode of some tv series i'm following. PATHETIC, reads the huge letters stamped on my forehead. i'm not saying it's a horrible thing...

... but i want more.

i reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some.

rainy season.

2009-04-10T21:40:00.005+08:00

we were all in love, and we all got hurt.

i tried my hand at making some meringue today. the result? disappointment and a trash can full of sticky meringue. yuck. it still had that distinct taste of egg whites. is it supposed to be like that? if that's the case, i wont be making meringue for a long time. not to say that it was completely a waste though, because ronan and i did down a few. as always, my little brother said it was very nice. sometimes, i dont know whether he's telling the truth or just cant tell the difference because of his nonchalant attitude and/or underdeveloped taste buds.

what a waste of 5 egg whites, 200 grammes of sugar and - this hurts the most - a bar of hershey's dark chocolate! i melted one bar in a vain attempt to cover the taste of egg whites. in the end, i just had the chocolate by itself. groans

anyway, i've just recovered from a fever last night. i havent been sick in a long time and yesterday was the worst i've felt physically since like, forever. urgh. sleeping was hard because i felt like i was actually tossing and turning, stuck somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness. btw, do unconscious people dream?

i woke up at 5am, feeling all better. then i went back to sleep. sorry, i'm a pig. *snort*

i woke up at 11.30am and had the weirdest dreams.

first, i dreamt of seumas telling me that i should come visit him in england. he's actually studying in sydney right now, but i didnt realise the discrepancy until after i woke up. i was dreaming, arseholes. he also said he was living just next to the border to wales. then there's a scene where he's skipping towards wales. without his passport?! i know.

then the next thing i knew i was visiting seumas in wales already. i was in some hotel, which just wasnt what i had expected. i was expecting a nice, cosy cottage, which wouldnt have made sense too. i had to get to get to the 23rd floor, but the stupid elevator only went to the 22nd floor. i dont remember using the stairs, but suddenly i found myself in some buffet. the menu didnt display any food, instead there were movie titles.

the next scene was my favourite. it was a tennis match between maria sharapova and some african-american woman. it was a three-setter but in the end, maria won. no surprise there. i cant wait til maria starts playing again. she's been out for almost half a year due to a shoulder injury. hopefully she'll make a huge comeback and not get injured again, but i'm seriously worried. if she'd had to officially call it quits, i'd just die. I'D DIE.

oh well, i'm thinking of baking a really lovely rich chocolate cake next...

...but first, i have my sore throat to deal with.

i twitch, a lot.

2009-04-08T20:33:00.000+08:00

when my hair grows to a certain length, which isnt that long actually, it tends to go into a natural state where it parts in the middle. yea... whenever it wants to, wherever it wants to.

not good.
it's creepy, scary and just plain disturbing.

i like my hair. in fact, it's the only thing saving me from being excruaciatingly ugly. hmmm, let me rephrase that. i think i would look uglier than i do now if my hair were in some accident, mishap or lawn mower. thank god i didnt have to attend national sevice. hahaha, because me, bald? you wouldnt be seeing me for months after NS.

but, it's not like i know how to style me hair. what a shame. sigh.

anyway, what better thing than slow internet speeds to ruin my mood, right?

i'm downloading damages season 1 because the season two preview just seemed really really interesting. rose byrne looked amazing. oooh i cant wait. right now, i just have to wait for the remaining 83.9% to finish downloading. *waiting*

oh great. i have 6gb left on my computer. dammit.
time to go shopping for an external hard drive! yay!

fyi, i think i'm going crazy, and i know you think the same too.

keep calm and carry on.

double whammy.

2009-04-06T21:52:00.001+08:00

i have to wear bands on my braces again. urrrgh. it hurts and i bet it's going to hurt more tomorrow.

well, i installed GTA4 just now, but as happy as i was when it was installed successfully, my computer just couldnt handle the level of graphics required for the game. annoyed that i kept ramming into walls that had yet to appear, i quit and just got rid of it. dammit. i am really in the mood to run some people over right now. stupid computer... maybe i'll get san andreas. sigh.

i am in a horrible mood right now. ARGH! stupid tooth/headache, stupid game, stupid job, stupid life! GAWD! i seriously need a therapist.

or a hobby.

my teeth hurt. fuck.

we're on to a winner.

2009-03-29T22:56:00.001+08:00

i think i've hit the jackpot...

...because i'll be working with hayati and anisha on wednesday night.

me, alone? with them? not good.

shite.

well, it wasnt supposed to be like that. in fact, i shouldnt even be working on wednesday! a certain somebody suddenly had something on, so he called to ask me if i could take his shift. i said yes, and then asked who else i would be working with. upon hearing those names, i think i blacked out momentarily because i would have screamed at him to ask someone else. sigh. okay fine, i did not black out, i guess i was so shocked at what i got myself into and was just speechless. then he said thanks and bye. GAWD.

i am not amused. the anxiety's building up and i am NOT amused.

anyway, went for cheng beng today. did the usual, observed the usual, nothing special. then we went to mcdonald's for breakfast. after reaching home, i sprawled myself on the bed and slept like, what, a dead person? i was dead tired after all - watched reruns of the nanny last night and as one tv programme led to another, i only found myself sleeping at 3.30am - having only gotten a mere 2 hours of sleep. when i awoke, or more likely forced awake, i was soaked through and through. damn weather, i do not like rolling around in my own sweat. i showered hurriedly and went for lunch at sushi king with my family. sigh.

i got some 'japan tracing paper', just because it appealled to the eyes and touch. then we went home. THEN i receive a message from beatrice saying she's already at the popular book clearance fair, and i've just gotten home. then i drove to midlands, which drove me crazy because i could not find any cheap parking places. then, when i finally submitted and decided to park in the midlands parking place, which mind you, cost me 3 FREAKIN' RINGGIT, i again annoyed myself because i did not drive close enough to push the button and get the parking ticket.

i did not get any books. mostly because i had no money and some of the books there were really worn; i like my books with crisp, fresh and untouched pages. the only money i spent was on yummy bread from breadhistory and the stupid parking ticket.

i got home at 7 and was just absolutely in love with the sky on the drive back. the cloud formations were just so beautiful. the light that managed to filter through just gave a really apocalyptic effect. lol. incidentally, the maid and ronan were going to walk the dog so i decided to tag along with my camera.

an hour later, as we were going back, i hit the jackpot and, thus, that unleashed the monster.

things that pissed me off even more later on:

the koay teow my grandma fried was not yummy because it had chilli. i do not like my char koay teow with chilli.

my brother took the entertainment section of the newspaper from me while i was reading the main news section. i hate it when people do that! cant you just let me have the whole thing for a while?! come on, you're not the one with OCD!

knowing i wont get enough sleep again. GO TO SLEEP, IDIOT BODY! stupid teenage body. i'm not even sleepy anymore! why cant you release the sleep hormones now?! NOW!

dammit.

NOTE: i dont think i was in a bad mood prior to hitting the said jackpot, but i just cant help transferring some of the gloom and doom into my words. so yea, i actually had a fun day before 8pm.

i'm in the business of misery
let's take it from the top.

bali blue moon.

2009-03-26T20:50:00.002+08:00

ack, i am so tired.

i do not like not getting enough sleep, but i also do not like not wasting my time sleeping. doesnt mean i dont like sleeping though.

i think i confused myself a bit there.

anyway, i'm just tired.

i got called in to work an hour earlier today, at 8.30am to be exact. my phone started ringing and the first thought that came to my mind was the fact that it wasnt my alarm tone. i still tried to deactivate it anyway by randomly pressing on the keypad, to no avail. i picked it up and saw that it was coffee bean calling.

i rushed and tried to get there as soon as possible because the other morning staff did not show up, leaving bell alone to handle all the orders, well, if there were any. if it was hayati who called, i think, no wait, i KNOW i would have taken my own sweet time. crazy bitch. anyhoo, i was just getting dressed when i saw that i received a message when i was in the shower. it was from bell and she said that the other staff had arrived already and told me that i need not come anymore. gawd. i went in early anyway because my mum was fetching me. i did not want her to think she woke up early for nothing.

it was worth it though because we three had a lot of fun. haha.

i also had a lot of fun yesterday with bell and swang, another part-timer. we kept mimicking anisha in how she shouts orders to nobody in particular.

SERVICE PLEASE!

which means cleaning up after a customer has left. it was hilarious.

i savour these moments because they are not possible with hayati around. crazy bitch! i will be working with her for at least two hours tomorrow, damn it. goodbye, happy days. farewell!

bell's the BOB, Best Of the Best. hahahahaha

------------

sigh. not much inspiration today, so, i'm sorry for the lack of depth and humour. it's just not one of those days.

you're not from the town that i grew up in.

i'm not paying for that, bitch!

2009-03-24T04:11:00.003+08:00

i realise that i do not like working, ESPECIALLY when i'm working for a B-I-T-C-H! UUURGH!

i so cannot wait to be my own boss.

nothing, except for the music selection, has improved. everything has been going downhill. i used to look forward to work everyday. now, i just plain loathe it, ESPECIALLY when i know i'll be working with hayati. stupid bitch, I HATE YOU!

bitch is always unreasonable. it's crazy! today, i used up a newer batch of egg and mayo mix for a sandwich order and she went berserk! she scolded me for not using the older batch. like, bitch! you think i have x-ray vision? it was hidden underneath the condiment counter, you imbecile! oh, and why was it hidden? it's past its expiry date! now the world knows, bitch! BURN IN EGG & MAYO HELL, bride of satan reincarnated!

anyway, she then ordered me to sell the remaining two portions of that older expired batch before closing time today or i would have to pay for it. WHAT DID YOU SAY?! yea, i really wanted to scream at her, but i didnt. i am such a coward, i know. well, i really thought of doing it, but just backed out at the last moment. i'll do it the next time she goes insane, dont worry. because, why not? i have nothing to lose. NOTHING. i shout, she gets angry, then what? she fires me? oh gawd, i hope that happens.

thank goodness i do NOT have to see her face for a few days since she'll be in KL. i hope you crash off the highway into the hutan, lose your way in there and get chased by pontianak when you make your trip down south, hitler wannabe! I HATE YOU!

so, about having to sell the remaining two portions... i did not even bother. HA! anisha, the other manager, told me i'd better sell them off or i'd probably get 'killed'. i just grunted a reply and carried on with my inane kitchen duties. i know she meant well, but i will not do that because it's just fucking idiotic! i mean, hayati can blame me, scold me, whatever if i used up that newer egg and mayo mix knowing where the older batch was. but really, did she tell me anything? NO. she just told anisha. she said i was supposed to be the cashier and in-charge of everything else except for the gourmet-related. but guess what, hayati! you expect me to just stand there, staring into space while there is a sandwich waiting to be made? anisha is busy with another customer, you are busy preparing some lattes, and you expect me to do NOTHING? harhar! so, of course i'd go prepare the sandwich, you fucktard! it's your own fault you did not tell me anything earlier. was the location a secret or something? if not, then why did you only tell anisha? why did you not tell me that too, huh? it's your fault and you decide to blame me? too outlet manager-ey to admit your own bloody mistake, arsehole? FUCK YOU! you say you assigned me to solely be the cashier when the daily position chart clearly stated that i was to be in charge of the gourmet orders? FUCK YOU! you think you're the manager and that allows you to bullshit? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU VERY VERY MUCH!

Fuck You - Lily Allen

i love that song. anyway, let's say i did not go prepare that sandwich and just stood there doing nothing. do you know what would have happened? i would have been scolded too! scolded for just standing there! so yea, whatever i do, whatever the situation, will always get me in trouble. what a joke.

if you dont respect me, i will not respect you. and hayati, i think we've both lost respect for each other. me for you, because you're a crazy evil bitch. you for me, also because you're a crazy evil bitch.

i cant wait to complain to bell tomorrow. she's still the best compared to the other two.

i hit you and you sue me, i shoot you; get locked up, poor me.

yeah yeah yeah yeeeaaahh!

2009-03-18T23:19:00.003+08:00

i really think my vocal cords have been permanently damaged/destroyed/obliterated, buuut then i'm still talking.

i had a really fun day, but right now, the high has worn off. i'm back in the land where small but very potent dark storm clouds float above my head, with the ever so occasional pitter patter of acid rain getting in my eyes, blinding lightning and deafening thunder. i dont know the reason behind this phenomenon honestly. could it be the fact that i'm now officially broke, having spent at least rm600, rm200 of which was my 'keputusan yang kinda cemerlang' monetary reward, which upsets me because i never spend money rewarded, in less than three weeks? or is it because i just FUCKING MISSED today's episode of CSI? or maybe it's because i have to work - i've finally gotten bored of the job - tomorrow? you choose. either way, i'm still moody.

anyway, let me recall happier times.

beatrice, ck and i hung out again. though this time, we were joined by yi ern. we went for karaoke again, and if i were to compare today's with monday's, the one today was a kadzillion times wilder. the featured song in today's session was i dont wanna miss a thing by aerosmith. we went berserk and sang, well, actually, screamed our lungs out, not one time, but three times to that song. i sang so hard, i practically lost control of my voice the 2nd and 3rd time round, therefore also losing my ability to pitch - well, if you would just pretend i had that ability in the first place. we also sang eat it, a hilarious parody of michael jackson's beat it, by weird al yankovich. hot 'n' cold, it's raining men and girlfriend among others were of course must-sings.

i tell you, spending four hours singing as unrestrained and savagely as we did certainly brought the house down. i mean, we even shattered two glasses singing! well, not with our voices, although it wouldnt be surprising were that the case, but with excessive movements and misplaced wires. i'm also quite sure we burnt off massive amounts of fat dancing and bouncing on the seats like headless chickens. what a workout! just imagine the imaginary voices telling us to "work it, boys and girls! work it!".

having only had breakfast at mcdonald's at 10.30am, i was starving. so at 3pm, we bounced over to kim gary for a very late lunch. we ordered what could be considered tonnes of food for three and a half people, that half a person being yi ern having a nibble here and there. still, we devoured everything like the greedy monsters we were. unfortunately, yi ern had to go off halfway through lunch, it being a school day and all, which in a way is ironic considering the fact that she - shhhhhhhh! - skipped class to hang out with us.

the bill finally came up to rm66. sigh. of course, it was only around rm20 each after dividing, but still! my monaaaay! i also forgot to mention that before lunch, we witnessed a very naughty cashier busying herself with pet society - an application on facebook - in tower records. we spied on her for a few moments before knocking on the glass and scrambling for cover. lol

we decided to watch a movie because really, what else was there to do? we watched love matters. the movie incorporated a range of taboo subjects, some that really made me squirm in my seat - or was that because of all the extremely corny moments? i also figured that the movie was made specially to paint us male species in a very very bad light. watch it and you'd know what i'm talking about. not all of us are like that, get that? the movie was nonetheless entertaining.

chun kit had to cabut after the movie, and i'm not sure whether we get to hang out again before he departs for singapore on sunday, though asking for a third time might seem a bit self-indulgent and inconsiderate. sorry we had to steal him from you, mr and mrs ng! haha

beatrice and i went to mph and popular to do a little browsing before beatrice's parents arrived, and damn! we ended up spending more money. hopefully, the books we bought are worth the money. beatrice got herself a vampire novel from mph whereas i myself got a book called the amateur gourmet and another novel called what the dickens? from mph and popular respectively. the books cost me approximately rm80. gawd. i couldnt resist though. i just could not, or if i could rephrase that, dare not subdue that part of me.

anyway, i found out the author of the amateur gourmet first achieved fame when he appeared on CNN in 2004 with some really special cupcakes he baked. special?, you ask. yes, very special. they're special because they were janet jackson breast cupcakes! HAHAHAHAHA.

dont believe me? read and laugh here.

after feeling a bit sad because of the rm160 i spent today, i drove home, but of course without first bidding beatrice farewell as she met up with her parents at around 8pm. according to her blog, she had dinner at kim gary again! i dont think she'd be going back there again in the near future.

ciao!

i wanna dance with somebody.

2009-03-16T23:56:00.011+08:00

today was probably the craziest and funnest day i had in months, but of course at the expense of my throat.

today, beatrice and i met up with chun kit for the first time since he left for singapore in january. we missed him loads, and after exchanging big hugs, we scolded him for being late. LOL. fine, we were not that mean and petty. of course, we felt like kicking and screaming at him for making us wait so long, but let's not talk about that.

this is why. him late = no coke = withdrawal.
lol

after a small binge which included ice cream, more ice cream, mcd, some cocaine (see picture above) and a pretzel, we popped ourselves over to popular. after viewing a few books having their plastic wrappers torn off by chun kit, we rushed off to the cinema. seeing a huge crowd, i suggested to chun kit to ask the usherers whether they could let us in earlier as i needed to use the toilet badly. i'm guessing it was only five minutes till the time they would have allowed everyone else in. as every cinema-goer in penang would know, the toilets located outside the multiplex in gurney plaza just suck to the maximum. if presented with a choice, who the fuck would choose those toilets? so, of course i wanted to use the toilets inside if possible. then fuck me if i failed to keep my voice down, because this girl right in front of me flung her arm up, so suddenly i was actually kinda surprised chun kit did not duck to avoid that fat-riddled thing, pointed in the direction of those pathetic toilets and said in the bitchiest tone: "the toilet is over there." then she turned back to bitch to her friend whilst at the same time staring at me from the corner of her eye. chun kit and i glared at her.

excuse my sudden poetic nature, but here's a haiku i composed specially for her:

fattest kiasu bitch
thinks i want to snatch her place
to weight loss machine

i totally understood her concerns. she thought we wanted to find an excuse to get into the cinema hall first. but here are the facts, you cow! nobody wants to fucking steal your first place in line. and - ooooh, i'm so scared - what if we did?

were we going to steal your seat - i assume the bestest seat for your fat arse - for ourselves?
fact #1: for all i know, cinemas are not free-seating. bitch!

are you that desperate to be the first one in? it wasn't even some huge movie premiere that everyone struggled to get a ticket in.
fact#2: the movie is called race to witch mountain, NOT transformers: revenge of the fallen or harry potter and the half-blood prince. let me repeat that, raaace toooo wiiitch mooouuuntaaaiiin. you also do not get a reward - in your case, a free weight loss programme - for being the first one to sit down. i also do not care if you are a big fan of dwayne johnson, which i highly doubt! bitch!

(althought kinda irrelevant; i just wanted to make it a 3) you do not know us, we do not know you, so do not judge.
fact #3: but since you did, it's only fair that we return the courtesy. our conclusion? you're daft and you're a bitch!

we then went on to enjoy the movie. my rating: 6.5/10

once again, i almost crie... ahem, had something in my eyes when it reached the part where they had to say their goodbyes. i seriously do not know what is wrong with me nowadays. i had tears in my eyes when i also said my imaginary goodbyes to marley the labrador, which is of course understandable. but then i sobbed too, alone at home duh, when i watched the curious case of benjamin button. and since we're talking about brad pitt, i watched burn after reading with joel the other day, which is also the day he got two parking saman. the movie was funny but was not hilarious - the officers who gave out those two separate summonses were the hilarious ones - and the humour it had was very subtle. you have to understand what's really really going on to actually laugh. black comedies are as such and are not for those who want an instant dose of no-brainer laughter.

anyway, i just cry at anything nowadays; the last time i cried before today, well, today isnt exactly counted, was when i laughed my arse off as my mum told me about her unforgettable childhood experience in singapore's ck tang, as it was known at the time. it was insane and if you ask me if someone could have made that up, i would have said no. HELL NO.

after the movie, we rushed to toilet on the fourth level as my bladder was bursting once again. after that, as we were browsing cds in the music store, beatrice said she saw the bitch! and her friend in the toilet. they were whispering about how she was the girl that was with those rude, pathetic boys just now at the cinema. i told her she should have whacked them across the back of their feather-light heads and as they recoiled, take out her tiny portable water pistol conveniently filled with holy water and shoot their godforsaken faces with it, then laugh as they buuurned. well, okay, i only told her to do that first thing. the latter three were swirling in my mind.

our karaoke session was only 20 minutes away so we hobbled over to the place. while waiting, we accessed the internet and watched the woman who went poppycock over not being able to get some sharksfin soup in hong kong, and laughed ourselves silly. saw it on seumas' blog, so thanks! fyi, my last bowl of almost-extinct animal soup was probably in '04 or '05. i know i sound retarded if you imagined me saying this, but you have london tipton to thank for this: yay me! *claps hands incessantly*

singing was the highlight of the day. notable songs we sang along to include hot 'n' cold, girlfriend and listen. and out of the bunch, i wanna dance with somebody and it's raining men were definitely the bombs. why hardly any guy songs? i guess they were less fun to sing. we didnt just spend rm10 and 180 minutes to sing slow, sappy love songs. we wanted loud and powerful songs. girl power! you go, girlfriend! LOL.

for 3 hours, we sang, we danced but unfortunately we did not steal things, and i'm talking to you, jason mraz.

our last song was it's raining men. so yes, i guess it ended on a high note. the lyrics were a riot.

god bless mother nature
she's a single woman too
she took over heaven
and she did what she had to do

ingenius, although half the time we did not know what we were singing - there were no lyrics! there also wasnt love story and the fear. how can you call that karaoke, people? my rm10 for such crap?! well, maybe crap is a strong word...

...but rm10 for such SHIT?!

lol. i'm might be pushing it a bit too far, rm10 is quite reasonable after all, but they still have quite a bit to improve on.

after dinner at nando's, we then departed and made our own way back home, looking forward to hopefully our next outing together on wednesday.

dont even talk about the consequence.

scary b*tch; scary vodka.

2009-03-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

you can kiss my asterisk, b*tch!
you're smart, i know; pretty? i dont think so.
your attitude is so crass, i'd rather go to the flower fest'.
you may seem all kind and lovely in front of others, when actually you use them as a personal rudder.
pathetic fanatic, you're b*tch fantastic!
you're just like satan's little lost fragment; even my friend believed you were pregnant!
you're just really fat, too bad!

scary b*tch, i think you may actually be a witch.

--------------------------------

that little poem i miraculously conjured after a brief period of drunken stupor, of which i will explain later, up there is dedicated to a fakest faker i know. i thought it was all over when i left primary school and didnt have to see her face again. who knew she'd pop up in my life just like how a pimple appears on my left butt cheek - hey, i'm sure you'd have at least one before - fast, sudden and painfully excruciating.

but it's not like we talk. it's just having to see her again after all those years of bliss (yes, i'd rather go through 2004-2008 a million... no, maybe ten times more than to be in the same room with her even if it were for a minute) kinda made me snap like a twig. now she's worse than ever. if you were never a friend/classmate of hers, you wouldnt know what hit you until after at least you were 'utilised' in her grand plan for world domination. honestly, i wouldnt even give a damn about her right now, it's just having to see a close friend suffer that makes my blood boil. my friend didnt choose to be a part of any of this, she just kinda got sucked into the b*tch's barbie-dolls-that-torture-and-kill-with-ever-smiling-faces hell.

it's also sad to see how many people are unaware of her true intentions. it's even more frustrating to hear how people cannot stand up for themselves because of [some certain factors], just like my friend.

the worst thing is that maybe, just maybe, even she doesnt realise how b*tchy she actually can be.

now, let's talk about vodka.

i went to a friend's house for one of those gatherings we always have, and i was especially looking forward to this one because we havent had one for so so long.

those under 18 had laksa whereas the adults had laksa and orange juice - well, it seemed like orange juice. my mum's friend offered me her glass because she didnt want anymore after two sips, and i happily took it out of her hands. i did not expect myself to do this, especially after what happened that last time where i vomited like linda blair in the exorcist, the only difference was that my vomit was a palette of oranges and browns, not green. i knew there was vodka in the orange juice but what was i thinking? i thought i promised myself not to touch alcohol anymore! maybe i thought what harm could one little bit of vodka make, compared to that bottle of sparkling i had.

wrong move #1. i took a sip, but i didnt taste anything, not even a hint of orangey vitamin C goodness. so i took bigger and bigger sips, until i could at least taste something - vodka, orange, anything. soon, not even after half a glass, i was already flushed. my heart started to beat so fast i thought i would go into cardiac arrest. my head throbbed like mad. my face and neck felt so hot.

it wasnt exactly comfortable.

i thought i would get it over with and chucked down the remaining half glass within 5 minutes.

wrong move #2. soon i felt so dizzy, and that familiar rising feeling from my stomach was becoming very apparent. gawd, i was so nauseous. i had to lie down or else i would have emptied the contents of my stomach - an acidic mixture of laska, coke, sprite, spring roll and water - onto the household's west highland white terrier.

but it got better. soon the effects of the spins wore off. and okay fine, i wasnt exactly in a drunken stupor. and to celebrate that, my friends and i had a good laugh at videos of falling women on youtube.

moral of the story, stop drinking alcohol so damn fast! me drinking too fast was the cause of today's and last year's horrible experiences. you think i should have learnt that lesson last time, but egad!

i realise that alcohol doesnt have to be an enemy. i just have to take it slower next time.
i was told it is an acquired skill after all. it is?
now all i need to do is practice. more 42 BELOW please!

*drunken laughter*

look me in the eyes with the sad, sad look that you wear so well.

tony.

2009-03-14T16:30:00.001+08:00

i dont like it. it should be called brown sugar - what a mouthful - or maybe just brownie. brownie, as in a baked square of chocolate cake smothered in chocolated fudge and a dollop of fresh cream? okay, that kinda turned me on.
just make sure you dont pronounce it in that typical cantonese/hokkien tune.

oh, you have no idea what i'm blabbing about? my grandma just got a 2-week-old poodle.

she had one, but that one died a few years back. sigh. it was black and i remember always playing with it when i was a kid, but as i grew up, and as everyone else grew up too, i slowly just fell out of love with it. then it died and i felt horrible.

i'm such a jerk.

i take their love and loyalty for granted. but dont worry, it's not the same with people. well, i hope it isnt...

i'll take better photos with my canon camera next time because this camera phone sucks!

the only thing i'm worried about, besides the name, is how it'll be treated. it's not a question about whether it'll be abused or whatever, i'm just scared it wont get the proper care it needs.

its coat looks like it requires a brush everyday.
and it requires training! poodles are the most intelligent dogs in the world, i dont want that to go to waste...

what about me?

...someone bash me right now. BASH ME for saying all this.

anyway, my grandpa said he wants to breed poodles.
i'm frustrated by that.

you baboon!

2009-03-12T23:55:00.005+08:00

i have not been connected to the world wide web for over a week, thanks to some stupid connection problem. being isolated from the net for a whole week means missing out on a HUGE number of blog/facebook updates, emails and downloads. generally, there was boredom and AAHHHH!-i'm-a-headless-chicken-running-around kind of weirdness.

god, it feels good to be back although it could be likened to a sugar rush: i'm totally high on reading new entries on the blogs i follow now.

anyway, got my SPM results today. was shaking like mad right before leaving the house. could (MUST) have been the nerves, though i suspect that it was just my body's natural reaction to being blasted by some cold draft (that came with a vengeance, i also suspect) after a warm shower - GAWD i hate that. i was so nervous on the way there i kinda hoped i would crash into some nasi lemak stall because i was so not prepared at all for today; i just did not want to know! i ended up calming myself down by singing along, very loudly i dare add, to - dont laugh! - taylor swift's love story.

we were both young when i first saw you~

A*awesomesongbtw*HEM.

cutting to the chase, i managed to get myself 9A1s, 10 if you would include that other 1119 paper or whatever.

disappointingly, i got a B3 for my EST.
unsurprisingly, i received a mere C5 for chinese.

chun kit's mother 'accompanied' me when i was there to get my results. i didnt dare look at the results slip so i let her see it first. i kinda died and became a zombie when she said: it's ok la... in the way i would say: urm, okay... to some baboon who offered me a banana.

also, what should have been the climax of the day became very anti-climatic when those giving out the result slips for my class said i could not get mine as i was wearing knee-length shorts. i really wanted to pounce on them when they told me that. frankly, it felt like being on a train that suddenly crashes into some invisible barrier while travelling at 300km per hour. i actually had to go meet with the vice principal and come back a 2nd time.

by the way, a big thanks to adam for helping me avoid that stalker boy who ATE MY COOKIES (yes, he just wont stop). adam actually heard his ever-so-recognisable voice, so shrill it would have made those chinese opera singers proud, from about 2 metres away. i was talking to adam when his spidey senses kinda tingled, where from there i took swift action. i activated my holy powers and parted the sea of red-faced students (red-faced from the hot weather, obviously). i then proceeded to take him out with my flamethrower. and to make sure not a single bakwa of him survived, i finished him off with my bazooka. lastly, even though i did not fire a single bullet, i blew the imaginary smoke off the tip of my trusty pistol.

totally awesome, right?

i actually just tried my best to avoid him, to which i succeeded in doing, which is already good enough for me.

and believe or not, those who got 9As and above got to have their photo taken! well, there was one exception: hobart got interviewed. pssst, he got straight A1s. not surprising at all. in fact, it was just so expected i would have vomited shit if he was not. well, i do believe he was interviewed or something - there were video cameras. i say i think because i did not actually witness him being interviewed. and why did not i witness that? like knock-knock, i was busy blasting the guts out of that stalker boy who ATE MY COOKIES!!!

and for the photos... harhar. i dont think you would even be able to see me when they get published in the newspapers. as you know, and if you dont, i'm not very enthusiastic about group photos where the number of people being photographed amount to about, let's say, A MILLION - oh wait, i forgot! i'm never enthusiastic about being photographed. to me, i dont see the point anymore as i'm typically overshadowed by the others. but if you do spot me, i'd probably be seen oblivious to my surroundings with some glum expression, just like how someone who got gruesomely murdered would appear as some creepy, blurred ghost face in supposedly cheerful photos in those typical ghost stories/movies.

cheers!

reactions from friends and family about results:
mum - giggled like a little girl
dad - "congratulations." that sounded so impartial only family members would be able to sense that hint of happiness, lol
grandma #1/#2 - big hug/"wahhh, 9As ar?!" in hokkien
grandpa #1/#2 - handshake/"very good." in chinese
ck's mum - read above
yi ern - "shit you!" or something like that, followed by a virtual slap
beatrice - "you are scary!"
sms from unknown sender - "whoa whoa whoa! you rock man! congrats!" (thanks btw)

myself - "oh."

ceylon and complexities.

2009-03-03T23:39:00.003+08:00

coffee bean has a new bunch of stuff.
i'm excited by new stuff.

they've released a couple of rare teas: ceylon green tea and mango green tea. i got them for my mum and i have to tell you, they are NOT cheap - still cheaper though with my 20% staff discount. the mango green tea smells deliciously just like mango, and you know why the ceylon green tea is so rare? it's because the tea plantations in sri lanka usually only produce black tea, and i bought it because i like rare stuff. part of me says it's just a marketing ploy, another part of me just wants to get it. oh well.

there's also banana cream pie. with all due frankness, i find banana disgusting. the texture of the flesh just puts me off.
surprisingly, i tried the pie anyway.
it's weird because i found it yummy. i still find myself eating it, even when i know how much i dislike banana. i am creepy.
so, besides having to deal with me being creepy, you also have to deal with banana breath. *gag* and dont remind me, banana burps are likeOMGgetawayfromme.

the new mango matcha green tea ice blended is to die for, ok? i've gotta stop thinking about it because right now, i cant stop twitching.
*twitch twitch*

this concludes my write-up/online blog promotion for coffee bean. they did not blackmail into doing this, but you're welcome to think so. hahaha.
JOKING LA! these are real, genuine thoughts slash opinions.

------------------------

Psychology Assessment March 2009

Outlet manager and Gerald do not get on very well.
They drive each other nuts every few days.
Gerald thinks it's because the OM is moody, psychotic and unpredictable.
The OM thinks it's because Gerald panics and messes everything up when it gets busy.
On a side note, both have just had a haircut.

Based on the above personal blog extract, comment.

i cant think of something good to tell you. but i realise that there's some sort of complex going on here. it's complicated. i want people to like me, to acknowledge me. i also want to like people, even after whatever that's been done in the past. to elaborate on the latter point, i always find myself an excuse to kinda 'forgive' people and to tell myself that they're not so bad, even when they might be. it's a constant battle. one day, they'd be nice and i tell myself that i really like them, and that we could be friends. the next day, they'd be arseholes and i'd be there in the corner cussing my mouth off, honestly - it's like i want to kill those fuckers. the next week, they'd be nice again. then even though i know that they're first-class retards, i tell myself AGAIN that maybe they're not so bad. and so, the cycles continues, never-ending.

i care for people and i care about what they think of me. i always do a mental backtrack after what seems to be a weird pause in the conversation. was it something i did? something i said? or is it me overthinking everything again, making something out of nothing?

it's killing me, and so, i die a little bit everyday.

Grade: D
The report was, even though irrelevant to what was required, intriguing and unique. Your thoughts about what seems to be a self-examination of possibly your own past and experiences worries me, thus, I am sending you to the counselor's office. Also, please utilise proper punctuation, a black/blue pen and if possible, no profanity in your next report.

temper.

2009-02-28T16:24:00.002+08:00

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

i'm just so sick. so tired.
and i'm angry.
i just feel so fed up.

you know that feeling where you just want to smash up everything in your sight?
where you just want to scream and/or shout for nothing that went right and for everything that went wrong?
i want to do just that.

i dont want to go to work anymore.
i dont want to face anybody.
i dont want to have to put a happy face, when i'm boiling underneath.
i dont want to have anything to do with the world in general.

i want to stop and get away.

the only thing i'm living for right now is mika nakashima's new song, GAME.
fab song.

i just wished i was somewhere else.

my god.

2009-02-23T20:27:00.003+08:00

i need to say this or else I WILL EXPLODE.

miley cyrus has the ugliest lips ever.
maybe it's not that, but something about the porportions of her face just makes looking at her unappealing.
or maybe it's because i'm annoyed and worried at the fact that millions of pre-teen children have been ensnared into her trap. she cant sing, you toothless morons!
i still think her lips are ugly though.

ok, i feel better now.

keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew.

omelettes and pancakes.

2009-02-22T14:48:00.003+08:00

that's what i made for breakfast today. weird combination, i know. but certain ingredients were not available, or else i would have made omelettes with a side of steamed asparagus/ mushroom soup accompanied by toasted bread topped with freshly grilled homemade cheese/ pancakes drizzled with maple syrup and a bunch of raspberries, strawberries and blueberries.

frankly, the ingredients i need are either too expensive, too damn hard to find or both. stupid. for example, double cream, vanilla pods and fresh raspberries.

i use double cream when i want to whip it for desserts. strawberries and cream etc. yum~
vanilla pods are the real thing. unlike vanilla essense, this is vanilla flavour in its truest and most natural form. one pod would probably cost 10 bucks here, that's if i can even find a place that sells it.
raspberries are so fucking goddamn expensive. if i could get my hands on some, i'd like to make a sorbet, or maybe even a raspberry souffle.

ingredients like these are so darn cheap elsewhere, esp in the US, the UK, canada and france.

as of now, i'm thinking of pursuing a career in the culinary industry, just because i'm hot and i'm cold. seriously, who knows what i would want to be next! a farmer? a firefighter? or maybe a nurse even! who fucking knows?!

serious seriously, i think i would be quite content with all things food. i'm just worried about... oh wait, i'm always worried no matter the situation. forget it.

i just wish you would make up your mind, you indecisive imbecile!

am i the ONLY guy who PMS-es like a bitch only katy perry would know? answer me, because i honestly dont know.

don't speak.

2009-02-18T01:39:00.004+08:00

i am so unhappy right now.

so goddamn unhappy.

i wish someone would save me.

experimental.

2009-02-17T03:27:00.004+08:00

i wonder how some of those singer-songwriters make it happen, because they really know how to.

the songs they write and sing, it's just crazy because to me, how do you even think of such stuff? maybe i'm shallower than i thought, but whatever. some songs just have really, really insane/ inspirational/ out-of-the-blue/ nonsensical/ influential/ unique lyrics.

i dont think this applies exclusively to singer-songwriters. songwriters themselves too are just... urgh, impossible. it takes a lot of talent, imagination and creativity to write real songs that may or may not be mainstream, catchy or even popular. come to think of it, the songs you see at the top of some of those music charts? yea, the lyrics that go with them sometimes, when broken down, are seriously nothing you would like to shout about.

yes, they're crazily catchy.

Womanizer, Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer,
Oh womanizer, Oh you're a womanizer, baby
You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer

yes, they're just songs that you would love to sing along to.

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm
Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance
Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance

but do they evoke an emotion or strike a chord? what sort of feeling that is, is difficult to describe because only you would know if you've felt it. does that make sense?

i dont want to write anymore because it's hard to write down what i'm thinking. right now, i dont see where this is going, so what's the point in continuing when i know what i'm writing will not be what i'm thinking? frankly, i just dont have a way with words, and that really gets me down. but the reason to why i even started, it's because of a few songs written by a real talented singer-songwriter. and off-topic: i dont want to judge, but people who listen to songs just because they're fast, catchy and whatever need to get a life. "what's wrong with that song?" "oh, it was boring." let's say the song in question was a slow one with the most meaningful lyrics ever. sure, you can listen to those catchy tunes, but people should listen to songs more for their lyrics then for their degree of catchy-ness.
(i think i just typed out what i really wanted to say after all this while, just in a way i didnt want to. *slaps forehead*)

but then, maybe i'm just being pushy.

anyway, in the end, i think i just expect so much of myself. in other words, i'm not happy with who i am and wished i was something more.

and btw? all those words you read at the end of each entry, 75% of the time they're part of a song that i've listened to, that i think really stands out or just relates to me in their own way. i didnt write any of them myself...

...but i really wish i did.

i'm bored of cheap and cheerful
i want expensive sadness

silly me.

2009-02-14T12:41:00.003+08:00

well, i called the restaurant and they said they found my glasses. yipee~

why didnt i think of that? stupid.

i was up the whole night wondering how much a new pair would cost when i suddenly told myself to stop acting so irrationally and to call the restaurant tomorrow. the most obvious thing to do, wasnt it? urgh.

sometimes i wonder how i'll survive on my own with a brain like this.

and now, since they found my glasses, i wholly recommend you visiting the restaurant. LOL. well, seriously? it wasnt that bad. maybe it was because i was in an almost-foul mood yesterday. whatever. if you want to go, then go. if you dont want to go, mai suak.

capiche?

oh, it's valentine's day? i didnt notice.

i've lost it.

2009-02-13T22:30:00.002+08:00

no, i havent lost my mind - i lost that earlier this year - i've lost my fucking glasses!

without them, i could be likened to a stumbling, rambling imbecile in the dark.
well, maybe not but it's still a bad thing!
GAAAWD.

today is my father's, hmm... what's 2009 minus 1963? oh. it's his 46th birthday. we celebrated at this irish pub slash restaurant, shenanigans. (you should read the following in an irish accent) it was crazy. everything and everyone was all over the place. the waiters were a wee bit dimwitted, the food was slow and the atmosphere was... oh wait, there wasnt any. and the menus! have you ever heard of a restaurant with insufficient menus?! oh my leprechaun! very inefficient indeed! the food wasnt anything to shout about too. nothing memorable. conclusion: not recommended because i wouldnt go back there. (stop accent NOW)

about my glasses: DAMMIT! my only pair, gone! if my parents found out, i'd be dead.

... but then, i dont think they have to find out. since i've got some money now, i'll buy another pair myself. i still dont like what's happening though. what a stupid, unnecessary waste of money on something that could have been prevented! and i'll have to buy my specs ASAP because i cannot watch tv without them. a world without tv would be the last straw...

*twitching violently*

... but it's my money!!!

i dont know how i'm meant to feel anymore.

i live a sad life.

2009-02-07T16:09:00.001+08:00

i have this sudden urge to dye my hair. i was thinking of ~~platinum blonde, EWWWWW NO!~~ a dark ashy brown.

i'm also wondering whether i should cut my hair or just let it grow.

if i cut it, i wouldnt know what kind of style i'd want.
if i dont, i'm just worried i'd look like an untidy little punk. plus my hair is losing support. and i suck at styling.

maybe i should just go for a trim. but then i'd waste rm15 just for a trim.

stupid. this is what happens when i have to depend on myself and utilise my hard-earned money. i'm the type that pores over every little detail before spending my money, MY OWN HARD-EARNED MONEY, on something. i just hope this notion's temporary because living like this is crazy and i just plain hate it.

well, i have to learn to become independent, dont i?

*mumble, grumble*

if i was a rich boy,
na na na na na...