light blue. Thursday, November 26, 2009 |
i honestly didnt think i had too bad a night, but i guess i was wrong.
i have just come back from the SAM prom night and i feel like shit. if i have to admit one thing, it's this: i was on the verge of tears as i drove back home alone.
as usual, i was the one who kept quiet and to myself in a corner as everyone else socialised, i was THE ONLY ONE with a perpetual frown on my face and i was the one who sat by the table as everyone went up and danced around. i dont want to make up any fucking excuses, but i just could not help it. i barely know anyone else there. so, why go? that's exactly the question i want to ask myself. i guess it was because yi ern invited me, saying she needed someone to accompany her. so i told myself, sure, i can do that. but then, who knew so much more was expected of me.
now, i'm not complaining or blaming anyone. i just need to VENT, or the oven will explode having to churn out cakes i'm going to bake every hour.
it didnt really hit me until we got to the lobby, but i was surrounded by strangers. the only person i honestly knew was yi ern. e-maine, who i had to pick up along with yi ern, was also a new acquaintance. other people i recognised were either too busy with their respective tasks or just people i was never really close to. so, besides both of them, i really had nobody to talk to.
it got really uncomfortable as more and more people arrived. yi ern and e-maine went off to talk to their friends, and i was left there alone with nothing to do. what i hate the most is when i am left standing there, looking lost, with nothing to do and having to pretend that i'm not all that by fiddling with my handphone or whatever i had in my hands. it's just a chore, you know? a fucking chore not to look vulnerable and lonely in a place where you know nobody and nobody knows you or the people who actually know you do not bother. i did initiate small talk with a friend or two, but that was all, lasting less than a minute each. after that, i was left with my bestest best friend again, my handphone.
when we were allowed into the function room, yi ern actually walked in without me. i guess i was just there to be the chauffeur and the pseudo-boyfriend who carries everything the girl is carrying; just imagine a guy carrying a silver clutch, a camera case, two wilted roses and BLA BLA BLA. i felt so goddamned stupid and pathetic. oh but no, the worse had yet to come.
when the buffet line was open, i didnt go straight for it. instead, i went to the washroom to get my retainer out. the line was long when i came back out, so i decided to go in and have a seat to wait for the crowd to dissipate. yi ern and her friends came in, and she asked me why i havent got anything to eat yet. i told her why but after 5 minutes, yi ern asked me to go get something to eat. i said the line was still long. she insisted and, when i did not budge, went blabbing to her friends about how i would go back home and complain to my mum about how i didnt get to eat anything and be a baby about it or some other bullshit. safe to say, i wasnt too pleased hearing her say that. i felt humiliated.
and guess what? i won a prize in the lucky draw. i didnt want to go up and told yi ern to get the prize in my place, but nope. so i went up and got it. the only thing? there was zero applause. the silence was deafening. you could hear a pin drop, even the faintest of farts. i was the outsider; everyone was puzzled. just who was this person? i sat back down with my face red from the embarrassment.
soon came the time for dancing. WOOOOO!!! NOT.
everyone got up to dance and mingle and camwhore etc. me, i just sat by the table, observing their antics. a few of yi ern's friends asked her to get me to dance too, but of course, i didnt want to. i looked silly just sitting there, but at least i had someone to accompany me through sms. sigh.
we left before the night officially ended. after dropping e-maine off, yi ern told me what people thought of me, what my impression was on them.
first, i was not what they expected. she said, they were like, i cant wait to meet gerald! they didnt expect me to be so anti-social. they were confused as to why i did not join in the festivities. they were disappointed.
second, i was once again seen as the arrogant, pigheaded, stubborn person.
third, she regretted inviting me. her mum even asked her if inviting me was a good idea since they know i do not exactly like parties or big events like these.
it's disheartening hearing all that, but what hurt the most was the third comment. i agreed that maybe it wasnt such a good idea having me there, but did i want to hear it for real? no.
i dont know what else to say. i'm just so sick and tired of all this twisted, untrue and unproven perceptions people have of me. i'm done with all that, and as much as i would like to amend all i've done or not done, as much as i would like them to know the real me, i dont think i could be bothered.
i'm too bruised and battered to care anymore.
just pull the trigger.