asparagus! Sunday, April 26, 2009 |
i am so afraid right now because i still havent got a clue of what i would want to do in the future. i've got a few on my list but i seriously dont know whether any of them could keep me content/satisfied/HAPPY in the long term. and - although i tell myself not to obsess so much over it - money is also a big issue. in fact, it's a HUGE factor. well, job satisfaction is of course #1, but cant i have both?
i did some researching, or more like reading. i read through a list of occupations on wikipedia, and, unsurprisingly, none of them interested me. but of course, that list was short and incomplete. fueled by the fear of uncertainty and of having to live meagrely on instant noodles and stale bread given out by that soup kitchen near my run-down flat since i have no permanent high-paying job (LOL), i went over to the united states department of labour's bureau of labour statistics and had a look at their occupational outlook handbook, 2008-09 edition.
i have yet to even go past the list of occupations starting with A because this list is seriously loaded... though Anaesthetists did catch my eye. actually, their earnings caught my eye. i was like, whoa! they earned the most in the physicians & surgeons category. of course, this only applies to those with more senior responsibilities and years of experience. but still... crazy! *puts this on personal list without further hesitation regarding the implications of seeing some other surgeon cut open a patient's abdomen, only to witness blood spurting out at a high velocity, releasing hordes of zombie insects (details may vary depending on time, location and environment)
i find this, me trying to make myself interested in the field of anesthetics, very hilarious. what am i thinking?! just because they earn bucket loads of money? gawd, i'm better than that. having said that, i still am imagining myself as an anaesthetist. sigh.
honestly, am i to be blamed? i only want financial security... along with collections of classic cars, leather jackets and vintage sunglasses. or maybe i'm just being very very unrealistic, too off the edge. the life of the rich and famous i have always read about and watched on tv has really gone to my head. it really has... but it's so hard not to want something like what they have. it's so difficult to stop wanting that.
i wonder if they have counselling and therapy specially for people like me, because sign me up!
slate grey. Thursday, April 23, 2009 |
you have to know that i am NOT pleased, especially when someone else encroaches on my personal TV space! twitch twitch
i really do not support afternoon school sessions. it practically devours your whole day. blame horrible time management on my part, but when i was studying in form 1 and form 2, i became a night owl. rushing to complete my homework (minus the time for tv) at night would take a few hours and when the time came for sleep, it would be 2 or 3am. and being the pig that i am, i would sleep until it was only an hour and a half before school starts.
but hey, that's not the point. my brother is now studying in the afternoon session, and he is encroaching on my personal tv space which starts around 12am everyday, and I HATE THAT. stupid! i started watching tv at such an absurd time solely because nobody would be annoying the hell outta me with their demands to watch god knows what. now, i have this idiot to deal with. i came rushing back from work just now because i wanted to catch the repeat of american idol, but when i pulled into the driveway, my worst fear was confirmed: someone was watching tv. i asked if i could watch my show but NOOOOOOO... he wanted to watch his CSI. like i care. hello! you can catch the repeat on sunday and i was working, gimme a break, you imbecile. dammit, i didnt want to argue BUT i didnt want to negotiate either. if you dont want to let me watch, FINE. i understand because i wouldnt have let him watch his show if i were the one who was watching first. i didnt want to be the one to fail and have to grudgingly go to bed, although that would be him if he were in my place. lol. seriously, i could have just snatched the remote and switched to my channel but that would be very very tyrannical, wouldnt it? i wouldnt want to be a hypocrite. the only solution is to be the first one to get to the tv, but to do so, i would have to stop working halfway and rush back home, which certainly isn't possible. damn right, it isn't.
so, forget it. i'll watch the repeat at 1pm later today, you insensitive, horrendously thick-faced robotic freak!
burnt orange. Saturday, April 18, 2009 |
boy, do i feel like burning something right now...
i'm cranky because i slept at 5am today. when you know you'd have to wake up at 10am in the morning, it's not really such a good idea to sleep so late (or early... like you care whether i typed 'late' or 'early', urgh). i seriously need someone to force me to bed every night. anyone interested in doing so? ok, shut up 'cause i dont wanna know.
i guess i need more willpower, more self-discipline.
ohyea, did i tell you about the crying i heard about two nights ago? it was sick, man! i was scared shitless. it was 3 in the morning and then i hear horrifying cries of what? sorrow? despair? terror? not funny! gawd, i imagined some blood-soaked figure in white with her eyes clawed out was going to crawl up the stairs on all fours in some creepy and catatonic fashion to slaughter me with a butcher knife, or a lightsaber for all i care. i found out the next day that it was the rottweilers behind howling. some neighbour in the neighbourhood bought the house behind mine and put his dogs there. anyway, it's quite a distance from here to there, so dont go saying how silly or deaf i am for hearing things especially since it was in the middle of the night. stupid dawgs, says randy jackson.
i just accidentally read a spoiler for house. i really want to kill someone now. i hate spoilers.
i said, i hate spoilers.
écru. Friday, April 17, 2009 |
raw and unbleached.
love songs... ahhh, love songs. as it appears, i'm listening to the love album by westlife for no apparent reason. but, do i ever need a reason? before that i was listening to allison iraheta's rendition of i dont want to miss a thing, which isnt bad at all. i spent up to an hour trying to download the song, waste of time if you ask me. on the other hand, i really wanted the song, so i guess nothing's free in this world. this song didnt so much as cost me a penny, on the contrary, it cost me time. hey wait, i have all the time in the world! fine, i'm just impatient. senseless ranting
i find myself comtemplating life nowadays. i dont like comtemplating, but really, i dont have anything else to do other than the usual. i know it's my own fault that i dont seem purposeful, or keen on anything other than sleeping, being depressed etc; i dont seek out stuff to do. ahh, but who gives a fuck, it's my life, not yours. i'll find my way out of this vicious godforsaken cycle.
is this how it ends, with a simple telephone call?
anyway... comtemplating, yes. reflecting, brooding over, meditating on. what? lonely, cold hotel rooms? kids laughing in the background?? adam lambert???
regarding adam lambert: yea well, i kinda knew something was up. so, no surprise really. it's no big deal actually. is it a big deal? no, i dont think so.
dammit sanjaya! stupid idiot ponytail. get outta here!
uh oh. the neurosis is setting in.
i seriously have issues.
yea, big surprise there. SHOCKERS.
*pops down an anti-neurotic pill or two*
hey wait, anti-neurotic pills dont exist.
FINE!
i wish i were more productive.
at times like these, where i just sit in front of the computer, i really wish i had something else better to do. it's just frustrating. and it's doesnt get any better. i get angry when i think about work. i get so angry because it's so mundane, so troublesome, so URGH! i die a hundred thousand deaths every time i'm there.
i get worried every time i have such bouts of loathe and hatred. will that happen when i actually am living independently? will i feel the same about my job, the job i have to carry on doing just so i can get food - good food. and no, i will NOT live on a diet of instant noodles! - on the table? if that happens, i wont want to live anymore. only one thing would comfort me: love. so in the event that should i be so deathly weary of my future job, i pray that at least i'll be in love, with someone who loves me back too obviously. god, that would feel good.
i'm expecting the worse. i always expect the worse, but for a pessimist, i'm pretty optimistic.
*cue the paramore music
right now, i'm only waiting for the moment where i finally get to live independently, whiiiiiich will be in around 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... 8 years, maximum. when i say independent, i mean living by myself in my own house/apartment/condo/whatever preferably in the USA, europe, japan or australia with no financial dependency whatsoever on my parents, also of course with a stable job. details can vary. laughs hysterically
oh look at the time. CSI at 10pm.
you see? reduced to waiting eagerly for every exciting episode of some tv series i'm following. PATHETIC, reads the huge letters stamped on my forehead. i'm not saying it's a horrible thing...
... but i want more.
i reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some.
we were all in love, and we all got hurt.
i tried my hand at making some meringue today. the result? disappointment and a trash can full of sticky meringue. yuck. it still had that distinct taste of egg whites. is it supposed to be like that? if that's the case, i wont be making meringue for a long time. not to say that it was completely a waste though, because ronan and i did down a few. as always, my little brother said it was very nice. sometimes, i dont know whether he's telling the truth or just cant tell the difference because of his nonchalant attitude and/or underdeveloped taste buds.
what a waste of 5 egg whites, 200 grammes of sugar and - this hurts the most - a bar of hershey's dark chocolate! i melted one bar in a vain attempt to cover the taste of egg whites. in the end, i just had the chocolate by itself. groans
anyway, i've just recovered from a fever last night. i havent been sick in a long time and yesterday was the worst i've felt physically since like, forever. urgh. sleeping was hard because i felt like i was actually tossing and turning, stuck somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness. btw, do unconscious people dream?
i woke up at 5am, feeling all better. then i went back to sleep. sorry, i'm a pig. *snort*
i woke up at 11.30am and had the weirdest dreams.
first, i dreamt of seumas telling me that i should come visit him in england. he's actually studying in sydney right now, but i didnt realise the discrepancy until after i woke up. i was dreaming, arseholes. he also said he was living just next to the border to wales. then there's a scene where he's skipping towards wales. without his passport?! i know.
then the next thing i knew i was visiting seumas in wales already. i was in some hotel, which just wasnt what i had expected. i was expecting a nice, cosy cottage, which wouldnt have made sense too. i had to get to get to the 23rd floor, but the stupid elevator only went to the 22nd floor. i dont remember using the stairs, but suddenly i found myself in some buffet. the menu didnt display any food, instead there were movie titles.
the next scene was my favourite. it was a tennis match between maria sharapova and some african-american woman. it was a three-setter but in the end, maria won. no surprise there. i cant wait til maria starts playing again. she's been out for almost half a year due to a shoulder injury. hopefully she'll make a huge comeback and not get injured again, but i'm seriously worried. if she'd had to officially call it quits, i'd just die. I'D DIE.
oh well, i'm thinking of baking a really lovely rich chocolate cake next...
...but first, i have my sore throat to deal with.
when my hair grows to a certain length, which isnt that long actually, it tends to go into a natural state where it parts in the middle. yea... whenever it wants to, wherever it wants to.
not good.
it's creepy, scary and just plain disturbing.
i like my hair. in fact, it's the only thing saving me from being excruaciatingly ugly. hmmm, let me rephrase that. i think i would look uglier than i do now if my hair were in some accident, mishap or lawn mower. thank god i didnt have to attend national sevice. hahaha, because me, bald? you wouldnt be seeing me for months after NS.
but, it's not like i know how to style me hair. what a shame. sigh.
anyway, what better thing than slow internet speeds to ruin my mood, right?
i'm downloading damages season 1 because the season two preview just seemed really really interesting. rose byrne looked amazing. oooh i cant wait. right now, i just have to wait for the remaining 83.9% to finish downloading. *waiting*
oh great. i have 6gb left on my computer. dammit.
time to go shopping for an external hard drive! yay!
fyi, i think i'm going crazy, and i know you think the same too.
keep calm and carry on.
i have to wear bands on my braces again. urrrgh. it hurts and i bet it's going to hurt more tomorrow.
well, i installed GTA4 just now, but as happy as i was when it was installed successfully, my computer just couldnt handle the level of graphics required for the game. annoyed that i kept ramming into walls that had yet to appear, i quit and just got rid of it. dammit. i am really in the mood to run some people over right now. stupid computer... maybe i'll get san andreas. sigh.
i am in a horrible mood right now. ARGH! stupid tooth/headache, stupid game, stupid job, stupid life! GAWD! i seriously need a therapist.
or a hobby.
my teeth hurt. fuck.